Crossing the Finish Line!

I did it!
The final week was tough with the busy busy of the holiday and having company extend their stay by a few days. I'm not planning on keeping up with the posting everyday but I do plan on posting more often than I did before.

Snap a photo while stopping to smell the flowers.

My mom has a friend that lost her daughter a few years ago. I spent today scanning in all of the photos that her mom has of her and trying to touch up the damaged and dark ones. 225 photos for 23 years of life. It seems crazy to me that there are so little. My family are photo freaks and I've taken over 200 photos on an average day.

The scanning project has meant that my holiday company will be spending another night. Love them but I'm so ready to have my space to myself!

TGIF

I still have holiday company so computer time is pretty limited. I spent most of the day out shopping with my mom. I only picked up a few things and had a great time just being out and about. I love looking for bargains so today is always fun for me.

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm so stuffed and only half way through the mountain of dishes in my sink.

Food prep continues

Cornbread stuffing just came out of the oven and it smells so good!
Cheesy potatoes are not looking so good so I hope they taste alright. I'm about to clean out the turkey so I can get it in the oven. Thanksgiving is exhausting!

The baking has begun

I braved the grocery store today and I think I only forgot one thing. Tonight I've made 5 pounds of fudge and I'm almost half finished with the whoopie pies. I'm using my gram's recipe for the whoopie pies and they will be a surprise for my mom and her sister who were talking about how long it's been since they have had them. Tomorrow morning I'll finish the cinnamon bread because I'm too tired to make it tonight. Ah, holidays.

# 24

I'm impressed with myself that I've managed to keep up this posting every day thing. I have enjoyed the challenge.

I was a fairly infrequent poster before and this has certainly shown me that it is possible. In order to get something submitted each day I've had to break some of my rules. Rules about talking only about baby and baby making pursuits. Rules about taking my time to proof and edit until I was happy with the words. I think I'll continue to expand my topics to sometimes include non baby thoughts but I haven't liked not having enough time to really think about how I want to say something.


and now more about books!

Jo - very cool that you've got the same name as every one's favorite March sister.
Austen is my absolute favorite. I reread all of her books 2 years ago and I went looking for my copies over the weekend so I could visit with Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy again. I've decided to bump them down on the list for Scarlett since you mentioned Gone with the Wind. I haven't read it yet but I have been meaning to. I think I'll pick up a copy this week!

Fat Chick - (it just seems wrong to call you that!) I prefer the older editions too. I don't need it to be falling apart but I'm not so much a fan of the updated fancy covers and language tweaking. When I went looking for Little Women I found the 1983 hard cover that I had as a girl. If I can't find mine I'm going to have to go back and buy that one.

Sharing the book love

I have a 10 year old cousin that loves to read about as much as I did when I was her age. How much is that? A lot! My birthday gift to her the last few years have been books that I loved when I was younger.

I started with The Secret Garden and I didn't hear much about what she thought after she finished. I'm thinking she didn't love it. Last year it was the Little House on the Prairie books and those were a big hit. She did some research on her own and found another book that wasn't included with the original series and had her mom order it from the library. She was also inspired enough by the detailed accounts of life on the frontier that she insisted on making lemonade and biscuits the way Ma Ingalls must have. It was such a thrill to see her as excited about half pint as I was.

This year it's going to be the three books in the Little Women collection. I can't wait to see if she falls in love with feisty Jo and her sisters.

I look forward to her being old enough to appreciate Jane Austen, the Bronte's and oh so many others. I also hope that I'm blessed with a little reader of my own some day soon.

Brrrr

Good golly, it's freezing out! I haven't been able to get warm all day.
I spent some time at the mall today looking for some gift ideas and I came home empty handed. Empty handed and a little smelly. I spritzed myself with a few different scents to see if I liked them so each of my wrists and my turtleneck are competing for my noses attention. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now it's just a bit stinky.

The stores are already too busy for my liking and the guy in the red suit already had a long line waiting to see him. I thought about giving the big elf's lap a whirl so I could tell him what I wanted for xmas. I decided that asking for man in a can would make me creepier than his fake bearded self and skipped out on that idea.

Drive by posting

I'm working on getting some photos edited and uploaded so I can finish some photobooks before the free offer expires.

If anyone is looking for a deal on photocards you can get 20 for 20 cents at snapfish. The code is CARD2008

I'm getting sea sick

Life is too ... fluid for me at the moment.
I'm dealing with unknowns in all major areas of my life and it's making me extremely unsettled.

Letting some steam out yesterday helped a bit. I'm still feeling crabby but I can feel my brain trying to sort through what needs to be done and put everything back on the proper shelves.

Trying to get pregnant while I'm also looking for a job isn't ideal but I don't see any other option. Time is not really on my side and I don't want to wait myself right out of my chance at being a mother. I may have already hit snooze one too many times.

I don't think I've mentioned before that I took in my sister and her son last year and have been pretty much supporting them. My sister works a low paying retail job and before I took her in she was living with my mother. She pays me not quite half of the rent and I cover all other expenses. I had hoped that by now she would have been closer to supporting herself but it hasn't happened yet. I have always assumed that the trade off for taking on the additional financial burden would be that she would be available to help me with child care. Day care has become a cheaper option and big changes are on the way for her because I can't let supporting her be at the expense of being able to afford to start my own family.

Ok, enough of the heavy stuff. Tomorrow I'm choosing to talk about something more fun and positive. Maybe I'll share my secret stash of hope.

I need a break. Or a winning lottery ticket

This whole getting laid off thing is seriously stressing me out this week. I think getting the first severance check and all the this and that have been cancelled notices from my various former employee benefits has really hit me hard. I haven't done much to actively seek new employment the last few weeks since I was by plan taking a break and not thinking about it. I have been considering what types of work I would want to do if I had a real choice. I haven't come up with anything other than I want to make the same salary and the what I would be doing has so far escaped me. Everyday there are more lays off announced and I've been getting asked by well meaning friends and relatives how the job search is going and how worried they are and what my plans are for when my money runs out. Those questions are really freaking me out because I'm feeling so overwhelmed already. I told my mother all of that today and she seemed to understand. Well, I thought she did. We stopped at a store and when I tried to pay for her purchase she wouldn't let me and told the sales lady that I had to save my money because I just got laid off. I could tell that as soon as my mother said it she wished she hadn't. Lucky me that it was a chatty clerk who then offered all kinds of advice about how I better get moving and that I should consider a head hunter and blah blah blah. I think if my mother could have made a hole open in the ground to swallow her up she would have.

I don't do mornings

I'm really a night owl. I love staying up all night and in the last few weeks I haven't been to bed before 4 or 5 am. I've always loved the quiet after everyone has gone to sleep. When I had a job to get up in the morning for my bedtime was never earlier than 1 am. I loved it when grocery stores used to be open 24 hours because late late at night was the best time to go shopping. No crowds to get in my way or make lots of noise.

I'm not a morning person at all. I would have to be at work before 9 (you know, when I had a job) and my brain just wouldn't kick in until after 11. It didn't matter how much coffee or sugar or even sleep the mornings were always a struggle.

I made the call

so now I can check off two things from yesterday's list.

The midwife seemed really nice and just had a baby a few months ago using a known donor. I was expecting more answers and experience about how the whole process works and what to expect. I was hoping that she would be someone who knew the ropes and could provide direction on how to navigate the process. Not so much. The impression I got after 20 minutes on the phone was that this would be the complete opposite of using the big fancy by the book clinic. I was hoping for something more in the middle. She didn't seem to have too much knowledge around using sperm banks and isn't sure if her signature would be good enough to release the goods from the bank since she doesn't work under a doctor. She also isn't sure if her documenting tries will be good enough for an insurance company if I need to get more aggressive after 6 attempts. She just hasn't had to do it for anyone yet.

So, my next steps are to decide on a bank and a donor then find out if the midwife's signature is good enough to release the swimmers.

Make an appt with fancy clinic since they are booking a few months out and if I have to get more aggressive then I have a head start at getting in the door. If I don't end up needing them I can always cancel.

Almost Monday

Things to do this week:

Call midwife
laundry
update resume
finish online profile at professional networking site
stop avoiding and call midwife
finish cleaning out closets
finalize turkey day menu

How many t-shirts does one person need

I spent most of the day cleaning out my closet and facing facts. The fact that those pants are just never going to fit again. The fact that I will never sew the button back on that shirt. The fact that the sweater is really ugly and not quirky. I have a pile of clothes to get rid of and another pile that I'm not sure that I'm ready to part with just yet. The more I purge the easier it gets to let things go.

Did you use soap?

Potential midwife did call me first but since I had the ringer off I didn't know until I checked my messages later in the day. I'm going to call her first thing Monday. I like starting things off on Mondays.

I took a few days off from the donor search because I just wasn't finding the one. I really wish I had a known donor option. I'm a bit of a germ-a-phobe and the idea of the whole fluid thing seriously icks me out. If I knew the person it might not be so icky because ...um, I don't know maybe because I could make sure that they washed their hands or something first. I don't know! I never really seriously considered asking someone because it seemed like too much to ask of a friend. I also thought that it could get too complicated. If someone were to offer I might reconsider the complications but it's not a topic that just comes up out of the blue.

Now that my body has hopefully scared off the last of the evil lupr.on my girly parts seem to be gearing up for a return to predictable cycles. I'm back to charting and hope that this month isn't as wonky as the last two. I'm going to start using OPK's to see if they agree with my temps. Anyone have a favorite cheap OPK source? I'm starting to think that November might not work out for a try since I'm still trying to work out some of the details of the how. I started 2008 hoping to end the year with a baby or at least pregnant. If I'm very very lucky in December I just might make it.

Fertility

That was the subject line that screamed at me from my cluttered inbox. My heart started pounding and it was as if someone had discovered my secret and was exposing it to the world.

I opened it and it was a midwife getting back to me about my inquiry for more information on her services. Now what do I do? I have her phone number but will I be able to dial it tomorrow? I replied to her with my number and asked for the best time to reach her. I hope she calls me first. Ripping the bandage off quickly is always best.

I have set things in motion and I can't stop now if I want to realize my dream of having a baby. I didn't like the big fancy fertility clinic that I went to earlier this year because it seemed so impersonal and the RE spent more time talking about insurance codes and coverage than she did listening to what I had to say. I expect that by using a midwife I'm signing myself up for a much more personal experience. I'm really doing this. I'm finally moving forward after all those obstacles. Yikes.

Is proper spelling too much to ask

...and should it matter

I've been looking at donor profiles this week and I just can't bring myself to consider someone who comes across as a chucklehead. I don't like the ones who answer the why are you donating question with the brutally honest because I want some extra cash. I'm reading them and trying to consider how my child might react to the information. Every kid is different and I have no way of knowing how interested my child will be in their donor. I prefer that their story include a kind person who wanted to help people create families and not someone who was looking for beer money without any consideration or thought to potential offspring. I want them to realize what their donations really mean. I'm also finding it difficult to consider anyone who can't spell.

Ooops my bad

So it turns it that the not getting paid was my fault. I failed to return some documents so they are holding my money hostage until I do.

I've had some pretty intense conversations with my mother over the last few days that have been emotionally exhausting. It's really gotten me thinking about how each generation impacts the ones that come after. Heavy stuff for another day when my brain isn't so overloaded.

grrrr

I hate discovering a payroll error long after customer service has closed for the day.

I have been meaning to verify that everything deposited correctly all day and just now finally looked. Surprise, nothing went as it should have. I almost feel bad for whoever answers my call tomorrow. Almost.

Let's do lunch

How is it possible that I'm finding it more difficult to get things done lately? I no longer have to spend most of my waking hours at a job yet at the end of each day I'm wishing there was more than 24 hours to get everything done. I suspect that a big part of the problem is that my day is lacking structure and hard deadlines. I am a champion multi tasking procrastinator and I work best when I'm rushing around to get things done before time runs out. I just can't seem to get anything done when I can get it done any old time.

Another reason I have less time during the day is that I've really made an effort to be more social with all this bonus free time and have re-connected with some dear old friends. I have had lunch dates 3 or 4 days every week. It's been wonderful catching up and not having to rush off and get buried and too busy with work to follow through on the promise to do it again soon.

Everything must go

I was up way too early this morning to meet my mother for some hard core shopping. There was a local gift store closing up shop and everything has to go this weekend. There are only a handful of things that will get me out of bed before the lunch side of brunch on a Saturday morning and finding a good bargain is one of them. I got a few gifts for folks but nothing for anyone in particular just stuff that would make a good gift. I will add them to the pile of things that would make a good gifts I have stashed in the basement and various closets.

When it comes to power shopping my mom is a good companion. She always manages to find a seat somewhere in the store and chats up the sales people and other shoppers. This works well for me because I can do a quick sweep to get the layout and drop off any items for safe keeping with mom. I overheard her oohing and ahhing over some little dolls that someone else was purchasing while telling them that she hopes to get a granddaughter to buy things like that for someday. I hope she does too.

Now I know where babies come from

Jo, thank you for that link! I contacted them today and now I'm just waiting to hear back. The location isn't too far from me so I think it could work. I spent some time poking around their website and I got to say some of the extreme birth photos caught me by surprise! How amazing.

It also made me a bit sad because I won't get to choose that kind of birth experience for myself. The surgery I had over the summer guarantees that a c-section is the only option I will have. So, no extreme close-ups of baby's very first head shot will be coming from me.

A whole new kind of online shopping

I did some donor and clinic shopping tonight and it is all just so exhausting. I was looking at one clinic in particular that seemed all friendly and Pro-everyone but good grief the hoops that I would have to jump through just seemed ridiculous. First you would need to attend a 2 1/2 hour orientation session that appears to go over the basics of TTC and charting (this seems like a waste of time and it doesn't look like free passes are given if you can quote Taking Charge of you Fertility line by line), then you have to attend a counseling session to talk about safe behaviors while pregnant, a check up where they review your last 3 months of charts, standard fertility tests... and on and on. No thanks on that one.

The donor picking is slow going as well. I wish the banks would magically jump ahead 10 years in how they do things because I really do think that the changes that have to be on the way will make this process much more transparent. Isn't it crazy that they can't manage to keep track of the donors and get updated health information. Or that they do such a poor job of tracking offspring and being proactive with health updates. The open id or willing to be known policies vary from bank to bank and are just not good enough. I feel so much responsibility to make a good choice. I need to make sure that I minimize the down side of using a donor as much as I possibly can for my child. To me that means having as much information as possible on the donor and choosing someone who is id release.

Who wouldn't want a pumpkin hat

I typically limit my topics on this blog to baby and the pursuit of a baby related ramblings. That is going to be tough when trying to come up with something to say everyday. I have a few ideas for those days that I get really stuck but day 4 seems too early to pull those out.

I have more free time now that I'm no longer employed but I'm finding it just as difficult as when I was doing the whole work thing to find time to do things like dishes or laundry or making appts at fertility clinics. I think I'm currently on CD 33 and suspect that the lupr.on and surgery are still messing with me since I was a 28 day gal before all that messing around with my insides occurred. I admit that I'm dragging my feet a bit on putting the plan in action because I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed with the whole needing a new job and trying to get knocked up the not fun way thing. I'm currently on CD 33 and I suspect that the lupr.on and surgery are still messing with me since I was a 28 day gal before all that messing around with my insides occurred. The extra days are like a bonus since it's not putting me as far behind on the TTC plans I had for this month. I've gotten a few extra ready, sets, ready, sets before I have to GO! I think tomorrow I have to at least make a list of places to call and start dialing by Friday. Goals are important.

I did however teach myself to knit over the last few days and I'm very impressed with myself. I'm making a rocking scarf with dreams of moving on to baby sweaters and cute fruit looking or animal ear hats for baby.

Election Day

Don't forget to vote today!

#3 with 3 minutes to spare

Over the years there have been a few times that I thought I might be pregnant. Those moments created dream babies that from time to time I do the math and realize if things had turned out differently I could have had a high schooler or a child a few months older than my youngest nephew. I'll be at the grocery store and a little one that would be just about the right age might catch my eye and for few moments I can see my dream baby looking up at me from the cart. It's just a flash and it doesn't happen often but when it does it sure is bitter sweet. Those dream babies are also all tied up with the two most significant relationships that I have had in my life. Would a child have made a difference in how those turned out? In one case it would have dragged out a situation that had already gone on too long and ended very messy. Keeping the relationship issues to the side those dream babies were very real to me for the time I thought they might exist. The first one spent almost 2 weeks as a possibility. The second was just really wishful thinking since the timing was so perfect and my always on time period was 2 days late. The first was 16 years ago and we were actually disappointed that it was a false alarm. I thought I had plenty of time to get my life in order and be ready for parenting. The second was just about 5 years ago and I was already a little panicky about running out of time. When it turned out to be another negative was when I started to get really serious about making it happen even if that meant going it alone.

That first relationship went on to marry someone else and have 2 children. He was certainly no prize but when I stumble across the wife online (darn you fa.cebook and mutual friends of friends) I sometimes think that she got my life - or rather what my life could have been if things had happened just a little differently. Mostly I think thank goodness I dodged that bullet!

Pumpkin seed hangover

Why do Star.burst candies make my face feel warm when I eat them?
Seriously, they do. g.oogle wasn't any help. Odd.

Halloween is my almost favorite holiday. Christmas barely beats it by pulling out all that good will towards others and flying reindeer. It's close though. I love the spooky stuff, pumpkins, pretty foliage, kids in costumes, candy and more candy. My nephew is past the age that he wants me to go trick or treating with him and I miss it. Me and my sisters would dress up with my nephew and take him out. One year we went as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and another year he was Buzz and we went as some of Andy's other toys. I was an etch-a-sketch.

Every year I look ahead to the next and think next year I'll have a little one of my own to introduce to Halloween. I really hope that next year is the year.

29 to go

It's National Blog Posting Month or NaBloPoMo and I'm going to give it a shot.
OMG, who said that!

I have my doubts that I'll be able to post something everyday but maybe I'll surprise myself.

I started this blog on Livej.ournal as a way to work out my decision to persue becoming a mother on my own. It helped to write what I was thinking because putting the sentences together forced me to focus and be clear about how I was feeling. All of the entries were viewable by only me. I moved to this more public space because I was seeking out like minded gals with blogs and I wanted to be able to connect with the community as more than a lurker or anonymous commenter. I also realized that I was getting so much hope, encouragement, belonging, etc. out of reading the words of others in the same situation that just maybe adding my voice could be just as helpful to someone else.

Ok, so 1 down and 29 more to go