Over the years there have been a few times that I thought I might be pregnant. Those moments created dream babies that from time to time I do the math and realize if things had turned out differently I could have had a high schooler or a child a few months older than my youngest nephew. I'll be at the grocery store and a little one that would be just about the right age might catch my eye and for few moments I can see my dream baby looking up at me from the cart. It's just a flash and it doesn't happen often but when it does it sure is bitter sweet. Those dream babies are also all tied up with the two most significant relationships that I have had in my life. Would a child have made a difference in how those turned out? In one case it would have dragged out a situation that had already gone on too long and ended very messy. Keeping the relationship issues to the side those dream babies were very real to me for the time I thought they might exist. The first one spent almost 2 weeks as a possibility. The second was just really wishful thinking since the timing was so perfect and my always on time period was 2 days late. The first was 16 years ago and we were actually disappointed that it was a false alarm. I thought I had plenty of time to get my life in order and be ready for parenting. The second was just about 5 years ago and I was already a little panicky about running out of time. When it turned out to be another negative was when I started to get really serious about making it happen even if that meant going it alone.
That first relationship went on to marry someone else and have 2 children. He was certainly no prize but when I stumble across the wife online (darn you fa.cebook and mutual friends of friends) I sometimes think that she got my life - or rather what my life could have been if things had happened just a little differently. Mostly I think thank goodness I dodged that bullet!