Sunday, September 21, 2008

The test and the telling

The test:
I finally have a date for the follow up HSG. In November.
I'm so frustrated that I have to wait that long. I can't move forward with TTC until I have the test since I don't know if the surgery unblocked my tubes or not.

The telling:
In general I don't think it's appropriate to announce to everyone I meet on the street that I'm trying to get pregnant. I spend quite a bit of time thinking about it and it absolutely colors any short and long term decisions that I have to make but it's not something anyone else needs to know. If I was doing this in a relationship I wouldn't feel the need to announce 'Hey, we're having a lot of unprotected sex' and I certainly don't need to know that about others.

I have told my two sisters and a cousin (and of course the Internet!). My cousin has been wonderfully supportive and excited for me. When we talk about events like Christmas plans or next summer she always mentions that by then we might have an extra little guest. She checks in my progress and will out of the blue smile and say things like 'you're going to be a mom' or 'I can't wait until you're a mom'. She doesn't avoid it or talk around it which is nice. My sisters are a different kind of supportive. One doesn't ever mention it but will listen if I bring it up. I'm not sure if she realizes how serious I am about making it happens or if she's just not sure what to say.

Then there is my mother. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my mother raised me and my two sisters by herself with very little help from my dad. It's always been the four of us sticking together and taking on the world. My mom raised her girls knowing that there was nothing you couldn't do on your own if you tried hard enough. You didn't need a man to survive. Don't get me wrong it's not that she hated men it was more about believing in yourself and not expecting someone to ride in and rescue you. Girls can do the rescuing too.

The hesitation on whether I should tell my mother now or wait until it's a done deal isn't because I think that she'll be upset and disown me because I'm quite sure she will be thrilled at the idea of another grandbaby (especially a shot at a granddaughter). I can't quite put my finger on why I haven't told her yet. We're very close and yet we're not. It's complicated but what mother/daughter relationship isn't complicated. Years ago she used to make comments about me getting married and having children and how she wanted grandchildren. I remember getting so upset because I was going through a horrible break up and I was terrified that I had missed my chance. I told her that it hurt my feelings when she said those things and that I wished she would stop. She's never mentioned it again. Hmmm, perhaps that is a point in her favor.

My mother can be a bit gossipy and if I tell her I know that she will discuss it with her even bigger gossip of a friend. I'm just not comfortable giving up control of who knows my business at this stage. After my surgery my doctor checked in with my mom to tell her that things went well and that I'll be able to give her grandchild in no time. My mother didn't tell me what was said but I did overhear her telling my aunt and talking about how that would never happen. My mother has no idea that I want to have a child.

I think part of me enjoys having a secret. My mother can be a bit intrusive and gets upset when she finds out that one of us didn't tell her something minor like what I had for dinner three weeks ago. Did I mention that our relationship is complicated? I'll admit that I'm looking forward to shocking her a little bit when I finally do tell her.

Once she knows she will be all over me with questions and wanting to know every detail. Am I ready for that? Maybe.

I think I might see what she is up to today.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Mikki Morissette on Lifetime's "The Balancing Act"

Mikki Morrissette, book author, writer & editor for TIME Inc. is a "Choice Mother" and discusses her book on Choosing Single Motherhood. This book includes the essential tools needed to make that decision & tips on how to best follow through, based on research & her own experiences.

Lifetime's "The Balancing Act" (4 minutes)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Just give me the dye already

I had my follow up appt 2 weeks ago and the healing continues to go well. My ute is back to normal size (but not my gut!). I'm still waiting for the office to schedule the HSG and the delay is really annoying me. I called the office scheduler last week to see if the test had been booked yet and I got lots of attitude because she has lots of things to schedule and she's doing her best blah blah blah. I stayed nice and sweet even though at the moment this lady is standing in the way of baby making but it hasn't paid off because I still haven't been scheduled. I'll give her a call again tomorrow and see if she's managed to do her job. I only have 3 weeks of the 3 months after surgery to go and I want to get going on the getting knocked up. I'm still waiting for the longest cycle ever to end. I bet AF gets here just as I leave for my European vacation at the end of the month. That would be just perfect. Not.

I want this test over with so I know for sure what my next steps will be.
Blocked - insurance kicks in and it's straight to IVF.
Clear - I have six months of paying out of my pocket until insurance kicks in. I'm pissed that my prior 18 months of trying doesn't count with this RE. Big deal that the problem might have been the fibroid - it still took 4 different doctors over the past year to decide to try removing it.

I've also been thinking about how open I want to be with what I'm doing. My sisters and a cousin know so far but should I talk about it with other people that I'm close to? Do I want to tell my mother? Good topic to tackle next.