I was feeling hopeful yesterday but today I'm convinced that this cycle wasn't the one.
Today I realized that this is my 36th cycle of charting and hoping for a baby. 36 cycles of waiting. I had first considered becoming a SMC in my early 30's but I still had lots of hope that I had plenty of time to do this the old fashion way. I told myself that if I hadn't found Mr. Right by the time I was 35 I would revisit the idea of becoming a SMC. Three years ago I turned 35 and it was time to face the fact that the casual relationship I was involved in was never going to go anywhere. I spent that summer temping, charting, thinking and reading what little information there was available online about becoming a SMC. Unfortunately, 36 cycles ago there weren't too many women sharing in online forums or blogging about this choice. If there were I certainly couldn't find them and I looked high and low. Those first 12 cycles I was still holding on to the dream and hoping like hell that becoming a SMC wasn't going to be a choice I would have to make. I would have been thrilled if one of those less than careful cycles had saved me from having to make that choice.
I had no idea during those first 12 cycles that I had a fertility busting fib.roid and looking back now I'm grateful to that fib.roid because it saved me from the disaster that could have resulted from one of those less than careful cycles. That fertility busting fib.roid is also responsible for the kick in the pants I needed to make the decision to become a SMC and to be comfortable that it is the right choice for me. Nothing like being faced with the possibility of never being able to have children to put your heart's true desire in crystal clear focus. 36 cycles later and other than wishing it wasn't taking so long I wish I had started this journey sooner.
The celebration of me started the same way it does every year - My Mom calls at my exact time of birth to wish me a happy birthday. When I was in school she would either call the school, have something delivered or stop by at that time. It used to annoy me since it's earlier than I like to be awake (especially during the college years) until I thought she had forgot one year and I realized how much I look forward to it. I called her in tears but she hadn't forgotten she had just decided to be nice that one time and let me sleep in. She won't do that again! The day continued when I met up with Mom and we made the drive to Maine for lunch, shopping and visiting my great aunt. We had a really nice day. That chocolate chip cookie dough pie I was looking forward to... OMG, YUM!
See for yourself:
Trust me it was every bit as delicious as it looks! I had one piece at the diner and brought this one home with me.
The rest of the weekend was spent cleaning out my closets and putting some clothes I have never worn on e.b.ay.
The TWW is almost over and I have resisted testing so far (not so much resisted as didn't have any tests in the house and the dollar store was all out so I would have to pay 4X as much). I hate mentioning potential symptoms because if I get a BFN the obsessing just makes me feel like a chucklehead. Ok, who am I kidding! The whole reason I have a blog is so that I can obsess over these things! Today I'm 9dpiui and I have felt a few things that make me feel a little bit hopeful. Starting last night I've felt a little nauseous a few times and there has also been some boob twinges and little darts of pain on and off today. I also got a bit weepy this afternoon over something very lame. Could be nothing could be something.
90ish degrees today and I'm not really loving it. I still have to drag the summer clothes out of storage and hope that they still fit. I'm not too hopeful. I miss snow and sweaters and cozy blankets.
5 days checked off in this TWW and I'm already getting anxious to just KNOW either way. I want to move on from the trying and finally get to the other side of the pee stick. I'm so ready and it's so frustrating to be spinning my wheels.
My birthday is this weekend and I'm planning on going to Maine for the day. There is a diner there that has a chocolate chip cookie dough pie that is soooo good I'm willing to drive 2 hours for it. My Mom is coming along too so it should be a nice day. I feel kind of bad for not telling her about the miscarriage. She doesn't know that I've been trying and she was out of town when it happened. It seemed kind of mean to tell her once she got back and I really didn't want to talk about it anyway. I would rather her not find that I didn't put my TTC plans on hold until I have good news to tell her. She's going to be very upset with me for not telling her when/if she ever finds out. I hope baby plans don't come up this weekend.
I was updating my fer.tilityfri.end chart and realized that today is only CD 14. I got my positive opk a day or two earlier than usual. IUI.3 is done and beta is scheduled for 5/29. The nurse said that my swimmers looked good and there was lots of fertile CM. Holy Cow do I have lots of CM! I wore the same shamrock socks as last time since they did manage to do their job. I just need to find lucky implantation socks since that's where things went wrong last time.
Knitting project for this TWW is a little pumpkin hat. I finally got the hang of purl so I'm rocking the stockinette stitch and will be taking decreasing for a spin. My local chain craft store is putting in a new yarn department so they had clearanced a bunch of product to make room. I couldn't' resist .99 cashmere blends, orange wool, baby blue mohair blend and some fuzzy pink skeins. I went a little crazy since the stuff is usually $7 each. I just can't resist a bargain! Now I just have to figure out what to do with the it all!
I gave up looking for a positive OPK last week and decided to just wait until next cycle.
I'm hoping that CD1 is just around the corner because I'm anxious to get back in the game.
I'm also a little bit glad for the extra not trying time because I'm hoping to finish the blanket I'm working on before my cycle starts. I started knitting a baby blanket during IUI #1 and lost a bunch of stitches a few inches in just as I got confirmation that I wasn't pregnant. I started the blanket over at the beginning of cycle #2 and it was while I was knitting it that I got my first hint that I was pregnant. I could actually feel the yarn brushing past my nipples through the sweatshirt that I was wearing as I knit each stitch. I would also lay my work in progress across my belly and ask the baby how she liked her blanket. This blanket belongs to my first spark of hope and someday her brother or sister will use it too. I have a few more rows to go before it's finished but here is a sneak peek