I was feeling hopeful yesterday but today I'm convinced that this cycle wasn't the one.
Today I realized that this is my 36th cycle of charting and hoping for a baby. 36 cycles of waiting. I had first considered becoming a SMC in my early 30's but I still had lots of hope that I had plenty of time to do this the old fashion way. I told myself that if I hadn't found Mr. Right by the time I was 35 I would revisit the idea of becoming a SMC. Three years ago I turned 35 and it was time to face the fact that the casual relationship I was involved in was never going to go anywhere. I spent that summer temping, charting, thinking and reading what little information there was available online about becoming a SMC. Unfortunately, 36 cycles ago there weren't too many women sharing in online forums or blogging about this choice. If there were I certainly couldn't find them and I looked high and low. Those first 12 cycles I was still holding on to the dream and hoping like hell that becoming a SMC wasn't going to be a choice I would have to make. I would have been thrilled if one of those less than careful cycles had saved me from having to make that choice.
I had no idea during those first 12 cycles that I had a fertility busting fib.roid and looking back now I'm grateful to that fib.roid because it saved me from the disaster that could have resulted from one of those less than careful cycles. That fertility busting fib.roid is also responsible for the kick in the pants I needed to make the decision to become a SMC and to be comfortable that it is the right choice for me. Nothing like being faced with the possibility of never being able to have children to put your heart's true desire in crystal clear focus. 36 cycles later and other than wishing it wasn't taking so long I wish I had started this journey sooner.
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