Sunday, July 23, 2006

The best choice is not always what you really want it to be

Over the past few weeks I've done a lot of thinking about using a donor. I want a child. I want to get pregnant, rub my belly and talk to the little flutters and kicks. I want to breathe in the scent of my newborn and witness every moment from their first breath onward. This is my dream and this is my pain because so far my life has not provided me with the opportunity to do so in the traditional way.

As I weighed my options I wanted to know how donor conceived children felt about how they were created and sadly it wasn't all good news. I joined the donormisconception yahoo group and I was saddened by all the pain these folks were feeling. They didn't think of the man who helped create them as "just a donor" who did a nice thing but rather as their true father. A man that they wanted to know and have a relationship with just as every other child does. Those who did track down their father's felt hurt when they were told by these men that they didn't consider them to be their children. This group of donor conceived people are the voices you never hear from.

The focus is on the infertile couple and SMC's who desperately want a child. The argument is that love and being so very wanted is enough to cancel out what these children are missing - half of their identity. This makes the choice so much harder because to move forward on this path would be putting my need to have a child ahead of my child's right to know their whole self. By alleviating my pain over not having a child I would simply be passing that pain on to the child.

Thursday, July 6, 2006

Spoken Out Loud

I told my youngest sister that I plan to have a child on my own. Her reaction... "Awesome, can I have your kid if something happens to you!" Nice. I told her first because she's the brutally honest one and I expected a wrinkled nose and an ew, gross from her but she was excited for me. I've helped her raise her 9 year old son and it was wonderful to hear that she's appreciated my efforts and believes that I will be a great mom. I plan on telling my other sister and a cousin of my plan but not anyone else until it's done.

I've just finished charting my temp for one full cycle and I'm on to the second one. I'll need at least 3 months of keeping track to start the process. I'm a bit alarmed because my cycle was only 24 days. I've had very regular 28 day cycles all my life until the last few months. I hope that it's not anything to be concerned about and that I haven't already waited too long. I've been looking for discussion groups online and was surprised that there weren't more than a handful. I'm also searching around for journals, blogs and articles by and about donor conceived children. I love having two parents and learning all I can about family history, where we came from, how my grandparents met, how my great grandparents got to this country, etc. Will my child feel cheated out being able to do the same? I've been thinking of using a donor as a partial adoption but is it really comparable?