Friday, June 30, 2006

Journey begins

I've always known that I wanted to have children. I was sure that it would follow a tradional chain of events - fall in love, get married, start a family.

I was also sure that it would happen sooner. I turned 25 - no need for panic I still had lots of time. 26, 27, 28... I'm starting to get a little concerned. Still, no need to worry - I'll worry at 30. 30? Already?! 31...32...

A few years ago my period was late and while I was peeing on sticks and obsessing over every twinge I came across a Single Mothers By Choice message board. I was surprised that women were actually buying sperm from a catalog and becoming mothers. False alarm for me but that message board gave me a lot to think about. Could I do that? What would I tell people? Would it be fair to the child? I wasn't ready yet to give up on Plan A and the idea that I was going to meet a wonderful man and settle down. 35 was the new deadline. Well, 35 arrived last month along with an extra kick in the pants. My cycle had been 2 days shorter for 2 or 3 months and I was shocked to learn that it could be a sign of perimenopause! WTF! As if the gray hair isn't enough. My clock is ticking and I can't afford to keep hitting snooze. I have the rest of my life to find my soul mate or Mr. ok, you'll do but I'm running out of time to be a mother.

I imagine myself at the end of my life and it breaks my heart to think of 80 year old me without children and grandchildren. How lame am I because right now I'm all choked up and crying. I was unsure about putting these thoughts in a journal but after that emotional outburst I think it will do me some good.

My options: Adoption or a donor
Adoption is the more socially acceptable and some would say the less selfish path. It could take years, it's expensive and there will be lots of hoops to jump through. It is also unlikely that I would be able to get an infant.
Going with a donor will allow me to share a genetic link and experience all the joys (and horrors) of pregnancy and birth. Having a biological child is what I really want.