Wednesday, May 28, 2008

More candles but the wish stayed the same

My birthday was a few days ago and my blowing out the candles wish was the same as it's been every year. A baby. I think I need bigger candles. 37 feels miles closer to 40 than 36 did. Not sure how I feel about that.

I got another shot of Lu*pron the other day and it could be just in my head but I think the flashes have gotten hotter. 4 months is long enough and I'll be glad when this junk is out of my system. I think it's made my skin clearer so I suppose that's something positive to say about fake menopause. I wonder if it has made a drastic difference in the size of the fibroid.

My surgery is fast approaching and I'm finding it tougher to pretend it's not happening. The idea of a catheter is what is freaking me out the most at the moment. Oh and then there is the whole my guts have spent all of my life safely tucked inside my skin for a good reason thing. I am looking forward to the time off and hope that I'm able to get up and around quickly so I can enjoy the break. I should start thinking about what I'll need to pack for my hospital stay. Hmmm, I have no idea since the last time I spent the night in a hospital was when I was born. Any suggestions out there?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Moving past the doubt

I've been lurking on message boards for years but never felt like I had anything to add to the conversation. I was there to learn and I pretty much stayed on the outskirts reading about everyone else and their journey to a family. I was in awe at how they just knew this was the path for them. I was still struggling and hoping that I would find myself with a partner. Everyone says that you will just know when you're ready to make the leap from just thinking to actually doing. Well, now I'm there and it feels good. The last few months I've been so much more comfortable with my decision to pursue single motherhood. It's become "The Plan" and not just the back-up plan. I never doubted that I could parent as a single mother it was the how I got to the parenting part that I had been dragging my feet about. The light bulb moment for me was hearing the results of my HSG. In those first few moments of panic I only heard that pregnancy wouldn't be possible and I just knew I would do whatever it took. The method didn't matter. The reasons I had for waiting no longer seemed important.

I've accepted that this is my path and I'm excited to see what is around the next bend in the road.