Sunday, September 21, 2008

The test and the telling

The test:
I finally have a date for the follow up HSG. In November.
I'm so frustrated that I have to wait that long. I can't move forward with TTC until I have the test since I don't know if the surgery unblocked my tubes or not.

The telling:
In general I don't think it's appropriate to announce to everyone I meet on the street that I'm trying to get pregnant. I spend quite a bit of time thinking about it and it absolutely colors any short and long term decisions that I have to make but it's not something anyone else needs to know. If I was doing this in a relationship I wouldn't feel the need to announce 'Hey, we're having a lot of unprotected sex' and I certainly don't need to know that about others.

I have told my two sisters and a cousin (and of course the Internet!). My cousin has been wonderfully supportive and excited for me. When we talk about events like Christmas plans or next summer she always mentions that by then we might have an extra little guest. She checks in my progress and will out of the blue smile and say things like 'you're going to be a mom' or 'I can't wait until you're a mom'. She doesn't avoid it or talk around it which is nice. My sisters are a different kind of supportive. One doesn't ever mention it but will listen if I bring it up. I'm not sure if she realizes how serious I am about making it happens or if she's just not sure what to say.

Then there is my mother. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my mother raised me and my two sisters by herself with very little help from my dad. It's always been the four of us sticking together and taking on the world. My mom raised her girls knowing that there was nothing you couldn't do on your own if you tried hard enough. You didn't need a man to survive. Don't get me wrong it's not that she hated men it was more about believing in yourself and not expecting someone to ride in and rescue you. Girls can do the rescuing too.

The hesitation on whether I should tell my mother now or wait until it's a done deal isn't because I think that she'll be upset and disown me because I'm quite sure she will be thrilled at the idea of another grandbaby (especially a shot at a granddaughter). I can't quite put my finger on why I haven't told her yet. We're very close and yet we're not. It's complicated but what mother/daughter relationship isn't complicated. Years ago she used to make comments about me getting married and having children and how she wanted grandchildren. I remember getting so upset because I was going through a horrible break up and I was terrified that I had missed my chance. I told her that it hurt my feelings when she said those things and that I wished she would stop. She's never mentioned it again. Hmmm, perhaps that is a point in her favor.

My mother can be a bit gossipy and if I tell her I know that she will discuss it with her even bigger gossip of a friend. I'm just not comfortable giving up control of who knows my business at this stage. After my surgery my doctor checked in with my mom to tell her that things went well and that I'll be able to give her grandchild in no time. My mother didn't tell me what was said but I did overhear her telling my aunt and talking about how that would never happen. My mother has no idea that I want to have a child.

I think part of me enjoys having a secret. My mother can be a bit intrusive and gets upset when she finds out that one of us didn't tell her something minor like what I had for dinner three weeks ago. Did I mention that our relationship is complicated? I'll admit that I'm looking forward to shocking her a little bit when I finally do tell her.

Once she knows she will be all over me with questions and wanting to know every detail. Am I ready for that? Maybe.

I think I might see what she is up to today.


Tanya said...

It really sucks that you have to wait for a HSG. Telling mom? Well, I'm not sure how I feel about that either. The first time around I did tell my parents. Since then I've gotten the impression that I'm "allowed" to have ONE. Will I tell them next time or not? I'm not sure.

Pepper said...

November does seem far away, doesn't it? But remember when September seemed far away? And now it's almost October!

Okay, I feel like I just restated all the months of the year in that paragraph ... ;-)

I'm a big believer in keeping my business to myself because I don't like the idea of people talking about me when I'm not around. Besides, your mom may be so excited about the prospect of a new grandbaby that it overshadows the fact that you didn't tell her about TTC.

Jess said...

The test: it does feel far away but really it's not. Just be confident you will get wonderful, "all clear" news some day soon!

The telling: I was petrified to tell my family, partly because I didn't know what I would do if they were not supportive. And I relate to what you said about liking a secret a little bit. But once I told them, I was so had been weighing on me more then I knew. I say, wait until you are ready. You will know.

And as for your mom being overly involved in your details, you can choose how much to tell her and when. Even after I told my family, it still took my time to tell them everything. Baby steps, they say.

p.s. it's so cool that your cousin is behind you. It's really nice to have people who look at you and smile because of what you are trying to do!! :)

Jo said...

Obviously there is a reason that you are hesitating to tell your mom (just like me with my dad...I was afraid he would say something that would be painful, and that would play again and again in my head). I still felt better after he knew (my mom told him)...It's a tough call but in general, I agree with Jess: maybe the information can be selectively and slowly revealed, so that you are really owning and controlling the situation...?

JuliaS said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I really like your header - very sweet.

Sorry about having to wait. I had 2 hsgs, so I feel ya. Hoping that the time passes very quickly and you have the hsg with pics of nicely swirly dye out both tubes very soon to share with us!

Good wishes.