The test and the telling

The test:
I finally have a date for the follow up HSG. In November.
I'm so frustrated that I have to wait that long. I can't move forward with TTC until I have the test since I don't know if the surgery unblocked my tubes or not.

The telling:
In general I don't think it's appropriate to announce to everyone I meet on the street that I'm trying to get pregnant. I spend quite a bit of time thinking about it and it absolutely colors any short and long term decisions that I have to make but it's not something anyone else needs to know. If I was doing this in a relationship I wouldn't feel the need to announce 'Hey, we're having a lot of unprotected sex' and I certainly don't need to know that about others.

I have told my two sisters and a cousin (and of course the Internet!). My cousin has been wonderfully supportive and excited for me. When we talk about events like Christmas plans or next summer she always mentions that by then we might have an extra little guest. She checks in my progress and will out of the blue smile and say things like 'you're going to be a mom' or 'I can't wait until you're a mom'. She doesn't avoid it or talk around it which is nice. My sisters are a different kind of supportive. One doesn't ever mention it but will listen if I bring it up. I'm not sure if she realizes how serious I am about making it happens or if she's just not sure what to say.

Then there is my mother. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my mother raised me and my two sisters by herself with very little help from my dad. It's always been the four of us sticking together and taking on the world. My mom raised her girls knowing that there was nothing you couldn't do on your own if you tried hard enough. You didn't need a man to survive. Don't get me wrong it's not that she hated men it was more about believing in yourself and not expecting someone to ride in and rescue you. Girls can do the rescuing too.

The hesitation on whether I should tell my mother now or wait until it's a done deal isn't because I think that she'll be upset and disown me because I'm quite sure she will be thrilled at the idea of another grandbaby (especially a shot at a granddaughter). I can't quite put my finger on why I haven't told her yet. We're very close and yet we're not. It's complicated but what mother/daughter relationship isn't complicated. Years ago she used to make comments about me getting married and having children and how she wanted grandchildren. I remember getting so upset because I was going through a horrible break up and I was terrified that I had missed my chance. I told her that it hurt my feelings when she said those things and that I wished she would stop. She's never mentioned it again. Hmmm, perhaps that is a point in her favor.

My mother can be a bit gossipy and if I tell her I know that she will discuss it with her even bigger gossip of a friend. I'm just not comfortable giving up control of who knows my business at this stage. After my surgery my doctor checked in with my mom to tell her that things went well and that I'll be able to give her grandchild in no time. My mother didn't tell me what was said but I did overhear her telling my aunt and talking about how that would never happen. My mother has no idea that I want to have a child.

I think part of me enjoys having a secret. My mother can be a bit intrusive and gets upset when she finds out that one of us didn't tell her something minor like what I had for dinner three weeks ago. Did I mention that our relationship is complicated? I'll admit that I'm looking forward to shocking her a little bit when I finally do tell her.

Once she knows she will be all over me with questions and wanting to know every detail. Am I ready for that? Maybe.

I think I might see what she is up to today.