Tomorrow is going to be a long day

Beta #2 is tomorrow morning and I'm really worried. I wish I could go back to the good old days when I thought a positive hpt = baby. My first # of 69 seems lowish to me and I'm hoping so hard that the number tomorrow is high enough to ease some of this worry.

I'll know either way in 12ish hours.

Roller Coaster Day

My beta was this morning and I was cramping up with all the crossing of everything over the last few days. Since Saturday I have peed on 4 hpts and I gotta say the digital was my absolute favorite. Seeing the word 'Pregnant' is really much more exciting than staring at lines and trying to determine how dark or light they are. I was so nervous about the beta results because I really didn't want a repeat of last time.

Once the blood was drawn I was determined to spend the day as a happy hopeful pregnant lady. I didn't want to waste a moment just in case they were the only moments that I would get. As a SMC I don't have a partner to surprise with my news in a cutesy way and there is no one else who is as invested in the outcome as me. No one that is except my mother. I wanted to tell her while it was happy news and not later when I might be a sobbing with sadness mess. I stopped by the hospital gift shop and purchased a proud grandma button and drove to my mother's house. I called ahead to let her know that I was on my way and that I wanted to go out for breakfast. I wanted to make sure that she was up and dressed because my plan was to take her photo at the moment she realized that her third grandbaby was on the way. Mom didn't exactly co-operate because as soon as I arrived she was in a rush to get out the door and I had to call her back from the driveway. I handed her the pin and at first she wasn't too impressed with my lame offering. I'm thrilled to say that watching her face register what I was telling her was the wonderfully perfect moment that I was hoping for.

She'll kill me if she ever finds out I posted these here but I just have to!

I love the one in the middle because it's the moment that my news sunk in. A few minutes later we were in the car and my mother had to pull over because she was crying. Crying because she was so happy. The day was spent talking about happy baby plans and every moment was beautiful. My mother knew without me having to tell her that I needed to focus on the dream and put aside the fears of another miscarriage and worries over beta numbers. The results call was going to come soon enough. She makes me crazy most of the time but when it matters most she gets it right.

My beta is 69 and I go for the next one Friday morning. I was hoping for at least 100 but 69 will have to do. Stick around little one because your Gram has big plans for you.

100th post

I've been aware of the post count ticking up towards 100 for a few weeks and was trying to come up with something 100 worthy to post about. Last week I thought it would be great if 100 was all about announcing a pregnancy but that isn't what I want to say now. This first 100 has been about my journey to discover my true path and finding a community of friends along the way.

I started blogging about my SMC journey 3 years ago in June of 2006. I had just turned 35 and really thought that my journey to a baby would be a short one. When I wrote those first words "Journey Begins" I was trying to come to terms with not having the dream. I was struggling with the idea that my life hadn't followed the expected traditional path of meeting a great guy, falling in love, getting married and having lots of cute babies. I didn't update all the often in the beginning because even though I was taking baby steps towards becoming a SMC I was still holding out hope that Plan B wouldn't be my path to motherhood.
2007 was about leaving things to chance and secretly hoping that those times that I was less than careful would make the decision for me. It was also about coming to terms with my fertility and beginning to accept that being a SMC wasn't settling but that instead trying to turn a casual relationship in to something more would have been settling for something less than I deserved. 2008 is when I finally started to feel truly comfortable with my decision and the fact that it is simply how I was meant to create my family. It was also the year that I started making connections with other folks out in Blogland and I'm so grateful to all of my bloggy friends! All of you are such an unexpected gift.

I can't wait to see where I've landed after the next 100 posts!

Am I seeing things?

11 dpiui and I've been moping around all day because I've been convinced that this cycle was a bust. I haven't felt one teeny tiny thing that could be mistaken for a symptom. My boobs are only sore because I keep poking them to see if they are sore. I was planning on maybe testing tomorrow, Monday or even skipping it all together and save the tests for next time. I don't know why but I caved as soon as I had the house to myself tonight and O.M.G!



I think I see a line...
Does anyone else see it?

Not the lines I was looking for

8 days down. This wait is just as frustrating as all the others. I spend lots of time straining every cell in my brain listening to my body and trying to detect even a hint of a clue. Last night I was convinced that I was pregnant. Today? Today I'm leaning towards no. A few more days until it starts all over again.

While staring in the mirror last night trying to decide if my boobs had more pronounced veins than usual I also noticed that I have more laugh lines around my eyes. I think I also might be losing the gray hair battle. I have very dark hair so the white hair SCREAMS look at me! look at me! I've been hunting them down and plucking them out but lately my arm gets tired before I can get to them all. I love the color of my hair and I'm sad that it's almost time to start coloring it and worrying about roots every few weeks. I'm going to straight out faint when I find a white hair somewhere other than on my head! I so wish I had starting this family building years ago. I want my kid to remember my real hair color and not the box color.

I recognized your socks

My IUIs are usually on weekends so it's not too often that I see anyone else in the waiting room. When I arrived on Tuesday there was another woman waiting and I knew right away that she was one of us. I recognized her by her socks. Funky purple stripes could only be one thing... Lucky Socks. She was called back first and got the room I've had for my other tries. I was happy about the change in scenery and hope that it turns out to be lucky. The nurse told me that Lucky Socks was also on IUI #4 and she hoped that 4 turned out to be the magic number. I had always thought it was 3 but I guess the song was wrong.

The nurse didn't give me the numbers but she said that my swimmers were only fair this time but I'm not going to worry about it because I only need one to find it's way. They were also only fair the cycle that I had the chemical.

Let's hope the early bird catches something other than a worm

Busy, busy weekend around here! My sister flew up for the weekend with my little nephew because of the older nephew's birthday. I got my fill of little nephew hugs and kisses. I wish they lived closer!

CD12 and I got a surprise early smiley on the OPK. I think it's time to stop expecting the usual because it seems like every month something goofy is going on with my cycles. I almost didn't test today but the buckets full of CM prompted me to pee on a stick. Good thing or I would have missed the surge. The nurse at the clinic was a little annoyed with me because I called right before they closed and the finance folks will have to process my payment tomorrow. I got a bit of a lecture about their cut off times but luckily for me she's willing to do the IUI before the payment is officially posted. Fingers crossed that the 4th time is a charm!