Saturday, April 4, 2009

34 hours

I started bleeding today. The cramping is more intense than usual and a few of them have had me doubling over in pain. I'm sad but mostly ok. I knew that this was the most likely outcome. I still need to go for another beta on Monday to make sure that my hCG level has returned to 0.
I hated the untelling. I struggled to find the right words because once I said it out loud it would be true. Not this time was enough for one of them the other needed to hear miscarriage. Is that how I now have to answer the "have you ever been pregnant" question from doctors? Will filling in a new patient medical history form be the only weight that my spark will have? I'm thinking that I might want something else to give those 34 hours of hope some weight. Something small that I can see or touch. What that will be hasn't come to me yet but it will.

16 comments:

Billy said...

So sorry.
~hugs~

Jude said...

I'm so sorry, Meg.

Fat Chick said...

I am so very sorry! (((HUGS)))

meandbaby said...

I'm so, so sorry Meg.

Dora said...

Oh, damn. Really sucks. So so sorry.

Jo said...

Oh, god, I'm very sorry.

Jess said...

So sorry Meg. Thinking of you.

Pepper said...

Sending big hugs your way.

Joni said...

Lots of hugs to you!

S said...

I'm so sorry Meg, it never gets any easier :(

Lots of hugs... cause there are no words...

Frau said...

I didn't think about filling in the forms. How sad that would be to have to remind yourself about it for the rest of our life.

I'm so sorry.

nishkanu said...

I am really sorry about what you are going through. It is tough to get some hope and then to lose it again so quickly.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Here from L&F.

I'm so sorry.
~~HUGS~~

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog today and read it from beginning to end. I didn't even get up to answer the phone -- that's how engrossed I was/am in your words, your life, your hope.

I feel like I've been on this journey with you and my heart aches for what you going thru now.

From Here To Maternity said...

I'm so sorry Meg ((hugs)).

S said...

I'm so sorry Meg. I know only too well how that feels, that spark of hope followed by the crushing weight of inevitability. I know I've already posted but wanted to drop by and thank you for your comment on my blog and for cheering me on. I hope you're in a better place right now, physically at least, the bleeding and cramping have ceased and the levels back to ground zero. Mentally...well, that will take some getting used to. I hear you on the telling. How do I answer the question, have I ever been pregnant? I hang my head, swallow my tears and say, yes, sadly, shamefully, 6 times, para 0 - gravida 6. And then the details. The devil truly is, in giving the details.

I'm hoping you're feeling better. Lots of hugs. xx