Is it hot in here?

I've been meaning to update for weeks but something shiny always distracts me. Heck it doesn't even have to be shiny to distract me lately.

The earliest I could get the surgery scheduled was June. I was hoping to get it done sooner so I can get back on the TTC train sooner but it looks like I'm benched until the fall. 12/31/07 at 11:59 pm I told myself that 2008 wasn't going to end without me holding my baby (or at least be days away from doing so). I guess I'll have to adjust that to entering 2009 with a BFP. I got a shot of Lu_pron 4 weeks ago to shrink Freddy Fibroid and I gotta say I am so not a fan. I went in to the appt with my dr thinking that I was going to refuse the shot but in the end changed my mind because if it does shrink Freddy then there will be less slicing and dicing. So far the side effects have been manageable and that's only because I know people have had it worse. Headaches, hot flashes, longer than usual period and so weepy - I'm tearing up at the lamest things. The hot flashes are um, interesting but in a creepy way. This little preview of the menopause has me feeling pretty old because it's really hit home that in 15ish years it's going to be for real.

I've been so focused on the getting pregnant and having a child part that I didn't think I felt strongly about how I delivered. This surgery guarantees that I'll have to have a c-section and I'm finding that I feel like it's another loss. One more thing that I don't get to do just like everyone else. I've been thinking about it a lot and what was really bothering me was that having a c-section means that I might not be able to hold my baby right away, that pain killers will make me loopy and I don't want to be too out of it to miss any second of those first few hours. I've been reading all the c-section birth stories that I can find on the internets and the experience ranges from no separation to not seeing your baby for hours. It just seems so unfair that they whisk the baby off so quickly.