Friday, January 4, 2008

Details and cement filled tubes

I was really anxious about the hyster*oscopy and HSG that I didn't get much sleep the night before. I took 800 mg of ad*vil an hour before my appointment and I'm glad I did!

The hyste*roscopy was up first-
I got to the exam room and everything was already set up which just made me want to bolt out of there! The instruments on a cart and disposable pads on the chair and on the floor. The nurse was really nice and walked me through the procedure and showed me the thin tube thing that would soon be piercing my cervix. I said it didn't look all that thin to me and she said that it was nothing compared to how huge they used to be... yeah that didn't make me think it was any thinner. The doctor was going to be using saline instead of gas so those pads were to catch the water. I appreciated the nurse telling that it was going to happen and that it was perfectly normal for it be messy. I only had to undress from the waist down which was a bonus because it's been pretty chilly lately. Hopped on the table and had to 'scooch' and then 'scooch' again. The doctor put some type of gel on my cervix to numb it (applied with a finger) and then something else to freeze it. I'm not sure what she used but I did feel a tiny pinch. I'll spare you the speculum details since we all know that horror. I didn't really feel the camera or the tube that was used to deliver the saline. Mostly I felt pressure and a little crampy. It was kind of cool to see the inside of my uterus but I declined the offer to take a photo home. I was in the stirrups for about 15 - 20 minutes all together. Once the test was finished and all the tools were removed they had me lay back for a few minutes before getting up. When I did get up I was surprised to see all the blood. I was glad that the 'scooching' had hiked up my sweater or it would have gotten bloody and wet. I brought my own pad from home and some baby wipes to help with the clean up. I only had minimal spotting and if I wasn't having another open wide type test I wouldn't have needed it for longer than an hour.

I had an hour until the HSG so I took more ad*vil.

The HSG was done in radiology and again I only had to undress from the waist down. The tools were all laid out again on a cart and they looked a little more evil in that setting. The table was an Xray table with no stirrups so it was extra fun to 'scooch' and keep my heels at the edge of the table. The doctor uses a cloth to wash you inside and out with some antibacterial... yes I said inside. I was still pretty numb from the earlier procedure so I didn't feel the instruments too much just pressure and slightly crampy. An Xray doctor joined the fun and he was blocking my view so I didn't get to see too much of the show. I had to lay on my back, then roll on to my right side then roll to my left side. It was all over in maybe 10 minutes. This time not much blood but lots of Orange iodine to wipe off. I was glad that they gave me a towel to clean up with since the baby wipes weren't going to cut it.

My results -
Unfortunately the HSG showed quite clearly that my tubes are blocked. My doctor was very matter-of-fact when she said that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant without the aid of IVF. I was crushed and shocked. I was not expecting that. All those months wasting my time charting, what an idiot I was for ever thinking that I might have been pregnant, wasted birth control when I wasn't trying to get pregnant, I can't give myself needles, how will ever afford IVF? hundreds of thoughts swirling around my head but the loudest of all was WHY ME, WHY AM I BROKEN? ISN'T ENOUGH THAT I HAVEN'T MANAGED TO FIND A PARTNER TO SHARE THIS JOURNEY WITH? I was sobbing in the bathroom and barely managed to collect myself long enough to make it my car. I think I might still be in shock or denial because I haven't really let myself think too much about what comes next and how I feel about it. I do have a little voice in my brain trying to get my attention. When I'm talking to someone about the weather it's whispering "yes it's very cold outside and I can't have children" or "blah blah blah work stuff oh and I can't have children with out a chemistry set and lots and lots of cash".


Pepper said...

Oh, Meg. I'm so sorry! It must be incredibly hard to hear that kind of news when you weren't expecting it.

After over a year of TTC without success, it likely would've been more cost effective for me to go straight to IV*F. I hear there's a IV*F financing program through Cap!tol 1. And if you're lucky enough to get embryos to freeze, it'll make T42 easier b/c FETs are much cheaper than IV*F.

I'm sure you don't really care about any of that stuff right now. I just wanted you to know that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, even though the tunnel seems long and dark right now. Big hugs.

Pepper said...

Thinking of you today and hoping that you're hanging in there.