Jumping in the deep end

I've done lots of thinking the last few weeks and I've decided to keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking things one step forward at a time. I have an appointment with an RE on 2/7 to discuss next steps and review financing. I also checked my insurance coverage and luckily I live in a state with coverage so I should be all set once I'm authorized to move forward.

I don't really talk about my plans to have a child with too many people. My sister knows the basics but we don't have long conversations about it. She's never been one for big conversations. I have another sister who I told a year or so ago that this was something I was considering but she hasn't brought it up except one comment about me adopting. That says to me that she's not comfortable with the idea of me using a donor to get pregnant so I don't bring it up. Just this past weekend I was having dinner with my favorite cousin and I told her about my recent news and plans to move forward on having children. She has never met her father in spite of numerous attempts to contact him and I thought she would have some valuable insight to share. My wonderful cousin was so supportive and excited that I was going to do this. She asked lots of questions that gave me a chance to really talk about my plans and how I felt about moving forward.

I can't remember when it was exactly that I became aware that women had the option to buy sperm and get pregnant on their own. I'm sure it must have been television or perhaps a mention in one of my Women's Studies classes. I do remember that show in the late 90's 'Oh Baby' that started out with the main character deciding it was time to have a baby, picking a donor, getting pregnant first try and then meeting a cute guy to date pretty much in the same day. I remember the giving birth episode and the comical portrayal of the tape recording she had of the donor. The hard stuff was all brushed aside in favor of a laugh track but it still got my attention.

I think it was as I was approaching 30 I started to think that I might have to be one of those women who do it on their own. Of course I never thought it would come to that but it was something I tucked away in my back pocket. I had options and that was just one of them. Surely I would meet someone and we would decide to be parents together- I had options. There was always a chance for a happy accident- I had options. Well, turns out not so much- I don't have as many options as I thought. My tubes don't work so having a child will be a deliberate choice involving incredible effort, expense, uncomfortable conversations and decisions with far reaching impacts. My tubes suck and I don't get to take the easy way out. I don't know why I was surprised because nothing worth having ever comes easy and perhaps that is how it should be.

During my long career as a 'thinker' I've been ok with the parenting alone part. What always trips me up is the idea of using a donor and what that really means to me and to any potential children. The least of these concerns was when I thought this road would involve AI - I was seriously icked out by the idea of strange swimmers crashing my pool party. Useless tubes means that this is no longer an issue because the pool will now be a petri dish. Yeah, that pretty much is the only pro I could come up with.

What I still struggle with is using a donor. I am making a deliberate choice to deny my child half of their identity. I can't say that genetics and biology isn't important because it's important enough to me that I am taking this path to motherhood instead of adopting. We all have struggles in our lives and no one has a perfect family or childhood. I can offer my child half of their heritage which is better than what I would be able to provide if I had chosen international adoption. I have spent a lot of time lurking on message boards and reading everything I can about how DC people feel and it's not all good. I move forward with this choice knowing that no matter how wanted and loved my child is and no matter how honest I am about how they were conceived it is very likely that they will struggle with their identity. Using an anonymous donor isn't an option for me because it's not fair to lock the door to potential contact if my child decides they want it. I also think that choosing someone with a similar blend of nationalities will be beneficial because even if my child doesn't know the other half of their genetic family they might find some comfort in knowing that our ethnic heritage and traditions are most likely similar. I don't see too much discussion on this next one but I see half siblings as a positive thing. I would be more inclined to use a donor knowing that there are already families with half siblings willing to be in contact. I would want my child to have the option of knowing these other kids because seeing how they are alike and different will help them to figure out their other half.

I find it all so overwhelming. How to choose.... ugh.

Details and cement filled tubes

I was really anxious about the hyster*oscopy and HSG that I didn't get much sleep the night before. I took 800 mg of ad*vil an hour before my appointment and I'm glad I did!

The hyste*roscopy was up first-
I got to the exam room and everything was already set up which just made me want to bolt out of there! The instruments on a cart and disposable pads on the chair and on the floor. The nurse was really nice and walked me through the procedure and showed me the thin tube thing that would soon be piercing my cervix. I said it didn't look all that thin to me and she said that it was nothing compared to how huge they used to be... yeah that didn't make me think it was any thinner. The doctor was going to be using saline instead of gas so those pads were to catch the water. I appreciated the nurse telling that it was going to happen and that it was perfectly normal for it be messy. I only had to undress from the waist down which was a bonus because it's been pretty chilly lately. Hopped on the table and had to 'scooch' and then 'scooch' again. The doctor put some type of gel on my cervix to numb it (applied with a finger) and then something else to freeze it. I'm not sure what she used but I did feel a tiny pinch. I'll spare you the speculum details since we all know that horror. I didn't really feel the camera or the tube that was used to deliver the saline. Mostly I felt pressure and a little crampy. It was kind of cool to see the inside of my uterus but I declined the offer to take a photo home. I was in the stirrups for about 15 - 20 minutes all together. Once the test was finished and all the tools were removed they had me lay back for a few minutes before getting up. When I did get up I was surprised to see all the blood. I was glad that the 'scooching' had hiked up my sweater or it would have gotten bloody and wet. I brought my own pad from home and some baby wipes to help with the clean up. I only had minimal spotting and if I wasn't having another open wide type test I wouldn't have needed it for longer than an hour.

I had an hour until the HSG so I took more ad*vil.

The HSG was done in radiology and again I only had to undress from the waist down. The tools were all laid out again on a cart and they looked a little more evil in that setting. The table was an Xray table with no stirrups so it was extra fun to 'scooch' and keep my heels at the edge of the table. The doctor uses a cloth to wash you inside and out with some antibacterial... yes I said inside. I was still pretty numb from the earlier procedure so I didn't feel the instruments too much just pressure and slightly crampy. An Xray doctor joined the fun and he was blocking my view so I didn't get to see too much of the show. I had to lay on my back, then roll on to my right side then roll to my left side. It was all over in maybe 10 minutes. This time not much blood but lots of Orange iodine to wipe off. I was glad that they gave me a towel to clean up with since the baby wipes weren't going to cut it.

My results -
Unfortunately the HSG showed quite clearly that my tubes are blocked. My doctor was very matter-of-fact when she said that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant without the aid of IVF. I was crushed and shocked. I was not expecting that. All those months wasting my time charting, what an idiot I was for ever thinking that I might have been pregnant, wasted birth control when I wasn't trying to get pregnant, I can't give myself needles, how will ever afford IVF? hundreds of thoughts swirling around my head but the loudest of all was WHY ME, WHY AM I BROKEN? ISN'T ENOUGH THAT I HAVEN'T MANAGED TO FIND A PARTNER TO SHARE THIS JOURNEY WITH? I was sobbing in the bathroom and barely managed to collect myself long enough to make it my car. I think I might still be in shock or denial because I haven't really let myself think too much about what comes next and how I feel about it. I do have a little voice in my brain trying to get my attention. When I'm talking to someone about the weather it's whispering "yes it's very cold outside and I can't have children" or "blah blah blah work stuff oh and I can't have children with out a chemistry set and lots and lots of cash".

My first comment!

Thanks for stopping by Pepper!

another needle

I had to go for a pregnancy test today because of the upcoming tests. I thought it was silly since I was on CD3 but whatever. I did get a little teared up and pouty that there was no way in hell I was pregnant when I was walking out. So not looking forward to the hysteroscopy and HSG on the 2nd. I hope it doesn't hurt and I can get out of there quickly. I wonder how long it takes and if I will be feeling up to going in to the office after it's done. Every time I get anxious about these procedures and run the loop in my head "it will all be worth it. it is necessary to get you a baby. it will all be worth it..."

Finding my voice

The summer flew by and I'm not sure how it got to be almost November already.
I've let other things take up space in my brain the last few months and Operation Baby was unofficially on hiatus. I eased up a bit on the temperature taking and mostly charted just around when I expected to ovulate. I spent the time coming to terms with the fact that I had to get moving on the making a definitive decision on making it happen with a donor.

I did more than just stick my toe in the water this week and actually waded in up to my knees... I finally had my MRI follow up to discuss the fibroid (that is large enough that I think it should be paying me rent). The last time I saw my doctor in April/May I wasn't impressed and left her office close to tears because I didn't feel like she was listening to me and was trying to hurry me out the door. This time it was so much different. She wasn't as dismissive and I felt heard. She was going to suggest a wait and see approach for the fibroid but once I told her that I'm ready to move forward and get pregnant as soon as possible and that I have been charting and trying for more than 18 months she kicked it up a notch. I let her know that I have been seriously considering my donor options and was ready to move forward on my own. She scheduled me for a hysteroscopy and HSG to see if the fibroid is squishing or pinching anything. Hooray for forward movement! 2008 is going to be the year my dreams come true... I just feel it.

Just Some Light Reading

3/2006 New York Times article about women doing it on their own :
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/19/magazine/319dad.html

12/2005 Newsobserver article:
http://www.newsobserver.com/105/story/382781.html

3/2006wbur.org On Point
http://www.onpointradio.org/shows/2006/03/20060317_b_main.asp

An Economist Examines the Business of Fertility
A Conversation With Debora Spar
New York TimesTuesday, February 28, 2006
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/02/28/health/28conv.html


Multiple Single Moms, One Nameless Donor
By Lois RomanoWashington Post Staff Writer
Monday, February 27, 2006; Page A02
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/02/26/AR2006022601095.html

Internet Connects Sperm Donors With OffspringWeb Raises Privacy Questions
WCVB-TV Boston, Channel 5
POSTED: 11:42 am EST February 15, 2006
UPDATED: 12:53 pm EST February 15, 2006
http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/7081466/detail.html


Today Show talks about Choice Moms
http://video.msn.com/v/us/fv/msnbc/fv.htm??g=efbb983e-56c6-4b95-b752-

An Apple A Day

Well I think I like my new doctor. She was easy enough to talk to even if she didn't laugh at all my jokes. The new patient questionnaire was a bit annoying especially when it got to the section that created an opening for you to talk about potential domestic abuse 'who do you live with, do you feel safe...' I tried to skip most of them but they gave it back to me to complete. I told her that my reason for scheduling the appt was that I had been trying to get pregnant for most of this past year and had some fertility concerns. I was going to go with 12 months since that's the magic referral number but wanted to leave some wiggle room for making up my mind. Easy enough, I said it out loud and just left out the on my own part.

Once we got to talking about the details of trying like how long, how often and who my partner was and what our relationship was it got weird. She asked for specifics like his name and then wanted the correct spelling. I was caught off guard and said "X" and now I'm uncomfortable that his name is in my chart and wish that I said something like H*enry R*ollins. If I'm going to make something up I should have aimed higher, right. I suppose we can pretend break up by my next appt. The lying was mostly about not cluing in my insurance just yet but I was glad for that excuse. Turns out I do have some issues and got a referral to a fertility specialist anyway. Apparently I have a large fibroid that is the equivalent of being 5 months pregnant. I knew cookies weren't the only reason that my pants are too tight. Funny thing - once she pointed out where my uterus was and that you could feel the fibroid I was a little disappointed because I thought that the hardness I had felt was muscle tone!

We reviewed my months of charting and she also confirmed that I may have a Luteal Phase defect which I had suspected. This is concerning because the time between ovulation and the beginning of my period wouldn't be long enough for an embryo to implant if fertilization were to occur. I have to go back for an ultrasound to take a look at the fibroid and then potentially surgery to remove it. Once that's taken care of we'll move on to tackling the Luteal Phase defect.