Finding my voice

The summer flew by and I'm not sure how it got to be almost November already.
I've let other things take up space in my brain the last few months and Operation Baby was unofficially on hiatus. I eased up a bit on the temperature taking and mostly charted just around when I expected to ovulate. I spent the time coming to terms with the fact that I had to get moving on the making a definitive decision on making it happen with a donor.

I did more than just stick my toe in the water this week and actually waded in up to my knees... I finally had my MRI follow up to discuss the fibroid (that is large enough that I think it should be paying me rent). The last time I saw my doctor in April/May I wasn't impressed and left her office close to tears because I didn't feel like she was listening to me and was trying to hurry me out the door. This time it was so much different. She wasn't as dismissive and I felt heard. She was going to suggest a wait and see approach for the fibroid but once I told her that I'm ready to move forward and get pregnant as soon as possible and that I have been charting and trying for more than 18 months she kicked it up a notch. I let her know that I have been seriously considering my donor options and was ready to move forward on my own. She scheduled me for a hysteroscopy and HSG to see if the fibroid is squishing or pinching anything. Hooray for forward movement! 2008 is going to be the year my dreams come true... I just feel it.

Just Some Light Reading

3/2006 New York Times article about women doing it on their own :
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/19/magazine/319dad.html

12/2005 Newsobserver article:
http://www.newsobserver.com/105/story/382781.html

3/2006wbur.org On Point
http://www.onpointradio.org/shows/2006/03/20060317_b_main.asp

An Economist Examines the Business of Fertility
A Conversation With Debora Spar
New York TimesTuesday, February 28, 2006
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/02/28/health/28conv.html


Multiple Single Moms, One Nameless Donor
By Lois RomanoWashington Post Staff Writer
Monday, February 27, 2006; Page A02
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/02/26/AR2006022601095.html

Internet Connects Sperm Donors With OffspringWeb Raises Privacy Questions
WCVB-TV Boston, Channel 5
POSTED: 11:42 am EST February 15, 2006
UPDATED: 12:53 pm EST February 15, 2006
http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/7081466/detail.html


Today Show talks about Choice Moms
http://video.msn.com/v/us/fv/msnbc/fv.htm??g=efbb983e-56c6-4b95-b752-

An Apple A Day

Well I think I like my new doctor. She was easy enough to talk to even if she didn't laugh at all my jokes. The new patient questionnaire was a bit annoying especially when it got to the section that created an opening for you to talk about potential domestic abuse 'who do you live with, do you feel safe...' I tried to skip most of them but they gave it back to me to complete. I told her that my reason for scheduling the appt was that I had been trying to get pregnant for most of this past year and had some fertility concerns. I was going to go with 12 months since that's the magic referral number but wanted to leave some wiggle room for making up my mind. Easy enough, I said it out loud and just left out the on my own part.

Once we got to talking about the details of trying like how long, how often and who my partner was and what our relationship was it got weird. She asked for specifics like his name and then wanted the correct spelling. I was caught off guard and said "X" and now I'm uncomfortable that his name is in my chart and wish that I said something like H*enry R*ollins. If I'm going to make something up I should have aimed higher, right. I suppose we can pretend break up by my next appt. The lying was mostly about not cluing in my insurance just yet but I was glad for that excuse. Turns out I do have some issues and got a referral to a fertility specialist anyway. Apparently I have a large fibroid that is the equivalent of being 5 months pregnant. I knew cookies weren't the only reason that my pants are too tight. Funny thing - once she pointed out where my uterus was and that you could feel the fibroid I was a little disappointed because I thought that the hardness I had felt was muscle tone!

We reviewed my months of charting and she also confirmed that I may have a Luteal Phase defect which I had suspected. This is concerning because the time between ovulation and the beginning of my period wouldn't be long enough for an embryo to implant if fertilization were to occur. I have to go back for an ultrasound to take a look at the fibroid and then potentially surgery to remove it. Once that's taken care of we'll move on to tackling the Luteal Phase defect.

Two Steps Forward

I've been giving this serious thought for 6 months now and my preference is still to get pregnant with adoption as plan b. Even after my last outburst about how selfish it would be I'm still leaning towards getting pregnant. I'm secretly hoping that it won't have to involve a donor but I haven't gotten lucky with the timing on that front yet.

I have taken some action to get the process started - I called my insurance company a few weeks ago and asked them to send me information on infertility coverage. Looks like I'm out of luck since donor insemination will not be covered. I have to be unsuccesful for 12 months before coverage kicks in. I also finally chose a primary care doctor and an ob/gyn. I have appts later this month and will be asking for a pre conception fertility work up. I do have some concerns because my cycles have been all messed up for months. My temps are all over the place and I'm completely irregular.

The best choice is not always what you really want it to be

Over the past few weeks I've done a lot of thinking about using a donor. I want a child. I want to get pregnant, rub my belly and talk to the little flutters and kicks. I want to breathe in the scent of my newborn and witness every moment from their first breath onward. This is my dream and this is my pain because so far my life has not provided me with the opportunity to do so in the traditional way.

As I weighed my options I wanted to know how donor conceived children felt about how they were created and sadly it wasn't all good news. I joined the donormisconception yahoo group and I was saddened by all the pain these folks were feeling. They didn't think of the man who helped create them as "just a donor" who did a nice thing but rather as their true father. A man that they wanted to know and have a relationship with just as every other child does. Those who did track down their father's felt hurt when they were told by these men that they didn't consider them to be their children. This group of donor conceived people are the voices you never hear from.

The focus is on the infertile couple and SMC's who desperately want a child. The argument is that love and being so very wanted is enough to cancel out what these children are missing - half of their identity. This makes the choice so much harder because to move forward on this path would be putting my need to have a child ahead of my child's right to know their whole self. By alleviating my pain over not having a child I would simply be passing that pain on to the child.

Spoken Out Loud

I told my youngest sister that I plan to have a child on my own. Her reaction... "Awesome, can I have your kid if something happens to you!" Nice. I told her first because she's the brutally honest one and I expected a wrinkled nose and an ew, gross from her but she was excited for me. I've helped her raise her 9 year old son and it was wonderful to hear that she's appreciated my efforts and believes that I will be a great mom. I plan on telling my other sister and a cousin of my plan but not anyone else until it's done.

I've just finished charting my temp for one full cycle and I'm on to the second one. I'll need at least 3 months of keeping track to start the process. I'm a bit alarmed because my cycle was only 24 days. I've had very regular 28 day cycles all my life until the last few months. I hope that it's not anything to be concerned about and that I haven't already waited too long. I've been looking for discussion groups online and was surprised that there weren't more than a handful. I'm also searching around for journals, blogs and articles by and about donor conceived children. I love having two parents and learning all I can about family history, where we came from, how my grandparents met, how my great grandparents got to this country, etc. Will my child feel cheated out being able to do the same? I've been thinking of using a donor as a partial adoption but is it really comparable?

Journey begins

I've always known that I wanted to have children. I was sure that it would follow a tradional chain of events - fall in love, get married, start a family.

I was also sure that it would happen sooner. I turned 25 - no need for panic I still had lots of time. 26, 27, 28... I'm starting to get a little concerned. Still, no need to worry - I'll worry at 30. 30? Already?! 31...32...

A few years ago my period was late and while I was peeing on sticks and obsessing over every twinge I came across a Single Mothers By Choice message board. I was surprised that women were actually buying sperm from a catalog and becoming mothers. False alarm for me but that message board gave me a lot to think about. Could I do that? What would I tell people? Would it be fair to the child? I wasn't ready yet to give up on Plan A and the idea that I was going to meet a wonderful man and settle down. 35 was the new deadline. Well, 35 arrived last month along with an extra kick in the pants. My cycle had been 2 days shorter for 2 or 3 months and I was shocked to learn that it could be a sign of perimenopause! WTF! As if the gray hair isn't enough. My clock is ticking and I can't afford to keep hitting snooze. I have the rest of my life to find my soul mate or Mr. ok, you'll do but I'm running out of time to be a mother.

I imagine myself at the end of my life and it breaks my heart to think of 80 year old me without children and grandchildren. How lame am I because right now I'm all choked up and crying. I was unsure about putting these thoughts in a journal but after that emotional outburst I think it will do me some good.

My options: Adoption or a donor
Adoption is the more socially acceptable and some would say the less selfish path. It could take years, it's expensive and there will be lots of hoops to jump through. It is also unlikely that I would be able to get an infant.
Going with a donor will allow me to share a genetic link and experience all the joys (and horrors) of pregnancy and birth. Having a biological child is what I really want.