Spark's blanket

I gave up looking for a positive OPK last week and decided to just wait until next cycle.

I'm hoping that CD1 is just around the corner because I'm anxious to get back in the game.

I'm also a little bit glad for the extra not trying time because I'm hoping to finish the blanket I'm working on before my cycle starts. I started knitting a baby blanket during IUI #1 and lost a bunch of stitches a few inches in just as I got confirmation that I wasn't pregnant. I started the blanket over at the beginning of cycle #2 and it was while I was knitting it that I got my first hint that I was pregnant. I could actually feel the yarn brushing past my nipples through the sweatshirt that I was wearing as I knit each stitch. I would also lay my work in progress across my belly and ask the baby how she liked her blanket. This blanket belongs to my first spark of hope and someday her brother or sister will use it too. I have a few more rows to go before it's finished but here is a sneak peek

I'm buying OPK stock

60 bucks worth of OPKs and I think the compare the line test is positive. The reason I'm not sure is that the control line ink is pretty light. The first digital said no and the second said error.

I'm off to the store to buy yet another test kit and will try again in a few hours.

I think I might be cranky

I just can't decide what I want to talk about. I wanted to post something but I just can't decide what I want to talk about.

I thought I was doing ok dealing with the miscarriage but there have been a few tough moments. Last week I found myself choking back tears when I thought my younger cousin was pregnant again (nope, just put on some weight). I was also all annoyed last night when an old high school friend was all excited to announce to everyone at a little mini reunion that her and the husband were going to start trying. I just know she's going to be one of those people who gets pregnant on the first try.

This cycle is doing it's best to test my patience. I hate odd cycles. It's CD 16 and I'm still waiting for a positive OPK. Lots of CM going on and sort of crampish. I'm worried that my OPKs are duds or that I missed/going to miss ovulation. It's the cramping that concerns me the most because I usually feel them for a few hours the night before ovulation but I think they are more intense than what I have now. It's after midnight and I'm considering testing again. I think I've officially lost my mind!

34 hours

I started bleeding today. The cramping is more intense than usual and a few of them have had me doubling over in pain. I'm sad but mostly ok. I knew that this was the most likely outcome. I still need to go for another beta on Monday to make sure that my hCG level has returned to 0.
I hated the untelling. I struggled to find the right words because once I said it out loud it would be true. Not this time was enough for one of them the other needed to hear miscarriage. Is that how I now have to answer the "have you ever been pregnant" question from doctors? Will filling in a new patient medical history form be the only weight that my spark will have? I'm thinking that I might want something else to give those 34 hours of hope some weight. Something small that I can see or touch. What that will be hasn't come to me yet but it will.

Spark

I am for the moment pregnant. Unfortunately, that has to be quickly followed by the fact that the number was very low for 14dpo and the odds really aren't on my side. I know the likely outcome. I was napping when the nurse called to tell me the results and even though her words weren't very positive all my heart heard was hope. I've decided to embrace this little spark of hope because at this moment I'm pregnant. This spark of life exists. This is as close as I have ever gotten and it very well may be as close as I ever get. This little spark is my little spark.

Thank you for all the comments yesterday. They do help. Fat Chick- thank you for that link to the beta site. I spent some time reading their message boards and not all low betas end in disaster.

I went back and forth on whether or not I should tell anyone and in the end I decided that I did want someone else to know that my sparky existed. I wanted to be able to talk about it. I called my cousin first and she was so sweet. My sisters were next and that was comical. I live with one of them and the other is out of state. I had my sister come in my room as I called the other one on the phone so I could tell them at the same time. I explained my news and the sister on the phone said "I thought you weren't still doing that" "at least now you know you can get pregnant" the sister in front of me didn't believe me and kept saying I was a day late for jokes. I'm glad I called my cousin first. Once they got over their shock they managed to be more supportive.

So, um... results are in

I guess I'm sort of but maybe not pregnant.
Beta came back as an 11 which is pretty low. The nurse thinks that it is either a chemical or very late implantation. Second beta is scheduled for Monday.

I'm not sure how I feel right now because I think I'm still shocked that it sort of but didn't work.

Just waiting for the fat lady to finish warming up and start singing

BFN today and my beta is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I was hoping that I would see some blood today so I wouldn't have to waste my time getting blood drawn but no such luck. I'm going to be extra aggravated if I get up before the sun in order to be at the lab by 7am only to then get home and have AF arrive.