Who wouldn't want a pumpkin hat

I typically limit my topics on this blog to baby and the pursuit of a baby related ramblings. That is going to be tough when trying to come up with something to say everyday. I have a few ideas for those days that I get really stuck but day 4 seems too early to pull those out.

I have more free time now that I'm no longer employed but I'm finding it just as difficult as when I was doing the whole work thing to find time to do things like dishes or laundry or making appts at fertility clinics. I think I'm currently on CD 33 and suspect that the lupr.on and surgery are still messing with me since I was a 28 day gal before all that messing around with my insides occurred. I admit that I'm dragging my feet a bit on putting the plan in action because I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed with the whole needing a new job and trying to get knocked up the not fun way thing. I'm currently on CD 33 and I suspect that the lupr.on and surgery are still messing with me since I was a 28 day gal before all that messing around with my insides occurred. The extra days are like a bonus since it's not putting me as far behind on the TTC plans I had for this month. I've gotten a few extra ready, sets, ready, sets before I have to GO! I think tomorrow I have to at least make a list of places to call and start dialing by Friday. Goals are important.

I did however teach myself to knit over the last few days and I'm very impressed with myself. I'm making a rocking scarf with dreams of moving on to baby sweaters and cute fruit looking or animal ear hats for baby.

Election Day

Don't forget to vote today!

#3 with 3 minutes to spare

Over the years there have been a few times that I thought I might be pregnant. Those moments created dream babies that from time to time I do the math and realize if things had turned out differently I could have had a high schooler or a child a few months older than my youngest nephew. I'll be at the grocery store and a little one that would be just about the right age might catch my eye and for few moments I can see my dream baby looking up at me from the cart. It's just a flash and it doesn't happen often but when it does it sure is bitter sweet. Those dream babies are also all tied up with the two most significant relationships that I have had in my life. Would a child have made a difference in how those turned out? In one case it would have dragged out a situation that had already gone on too long and ended very messy. Keeping the relationship issues to the side those dream babies were very real to me for the time I thought they might exist. The first one spent almost 2 weeks as a possibility. The second was just really wishful thinking since the timing was so perfect and my always on time period was 2 days late. The first was 16 years ago and we were actually disappointed that it was a false alarm. I thought I had plenty of time to get my life in order and be ready for parenting. The second was just about 5 years ago and I was already a little panicky about running out of time. When it turned out to be another negative was when I started to get really serious about making it happen even if that meant going it alone.

That first relationship went on to marry someone else and have 2 children. He was certainly no prize but when I stumble across the wife online (darn you fa.cebook and mutual friends of friends) I sometimes think that she got my life - or rather what my life could have been if things had happened just a little differently. Mostly I think thank goodness I dodged that bullet!

Pumpkin seed hangover

Why do Star.burst candies make my face feel warm when I eat them?
Seriously, they do. g.oogle wasn't any help. Odd.

Halloween is my almost favorite holiday. Christmas barely beats it by pulling out all that good will towards others and flying reindeer. It's close though. I love the spooky stuff, pumpkins, pretty foliage, kids in costumes, candy and more candy. My nephew is past the age that he wants me to go trick or treating with him and I miss it. Me and my sisters would dress up with my nephew and take him out. One year we went as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and another year he was Buzz and we went as some of Andy's other toys. I was an etch-a-sketch.

Every year I look ahead to the next and think next year I'll have a little one of my own to introduce to Halloween. I really hope that next year is the year.

29 to go

It's National Blog Posting Month or NaBloPoMo and I'm going to give it a shot.
OMG, who said that!

I have my doubts that I'll be able to post something everyday but maybe I'll surprise myself.

I started this blog on Livej.ournal as a way to work out my decision to persue becoming a mother on my own. It helped to write what I was thinking because putting the sentences together forced me to focus and be clear about how I was feeling. All of the entries were viewable by only me. I moved to this more public space because I was seeking out like minded gals with blogs and I wanted to be able to connect with the community as more than a lurker or anonymous commenter. I also realized that I was getting so much hope, encouragement, belonging, etc. out of reading the words of others in the same situation that just maybe adding my voice could be just as helpful to someone else.

Ok, so 1 down and 29 more to go

Open for business

The HSG went well. It took a few minutes for the dye to spill but in the end both sides are clear.
Honestly, I'm actually disappointed. If they were still blocked then my insurance would kick in immediately and the plan for what needed to happen next was clearly laid out. I know that IVF is not anyone's idea of a good time but it was the path my brain was already half way down. Now I feel like I'm back where I started 2 years ago and I'm unsure what the next step is. I want to start trying this next cycle in order to take advantage of the fertility boost that an HSG can give but I'm not sure if I'll have all the details in place in time. I have maybe 3 weeks before I ovulate again but I haven't decided on a donor or where to go for the IUI's. Paying for everything? Yeah, that's another detail made more difficult by the fact that I just got laid off. I was at my now former job for over 10 years so I got a pretty decent severance package but now isn't the best time to be taking on the additional expense of trying to get pregnant. Postponing really isn't an option for me. I'm really feeling like I've already waited too long and the fibroid detour has already taken up too much precious time.

and how did it go with my mother? She came with me and asked if I wanted her to be in the room for the test. The first time I shouted 'Absolutely Not!' wasn't enough to keep her from asking 2 more times. She was just so pleased with herself for being there.

Next step: find a place to do IUI's that won't cost me a fortune.

Now She Knows

I decided to just rip the bandage off and get it over with - I told my mother. I told her the day before I left the country for a week so I wouldn't have to deal with any of the immediate fall out. It went well but my concern was never that she wouldn't support me because I knew that she wasn't going to be upset. Well, I knew she wasn't going to be upset with my choice just upset that I hadn't told her sooner. My mother has a way of making most things all about her and to her credit she did pull back on the wounded act when she started to go down that path. She reminded me that there was nothing that I could tell her that she wouldn't support completely. She only wants me to be happy.

She was surprised that I had been working towards having a child for as long as I have and asked a few way too personal questions - she actually referenced 'experimenting' with an old boyfriend. Ick. I let her know that those kinds of details were off limits and she was also not going to be involved in donor shopping. I told her that I absolutely did not want her discussing my business with anyone that she didn't first ask me if it was ok to do so with. I tried to explain that this information belong to her future grandchildren and was not a topic for her gossipy friends. She's done better with it than I expected but she has blabbed to one or two people that weren't on the approved list.

I realize that I'm lucky to have the support of my family but sometimes it can be a little smothering. My mother is now in action mode and is insisting on being present for all of my Dr. appointments. I find it annoying because I'm the type of person who likes to take care of things myself and process any information for myself before sharing with others. I was able to reschedule my HSG for tomorrow and my mother is just not listening when I tell her that I prefer to go by myself. The last time I was seriously rocked by the news that my tubes were blocked and I didn't for a minute regret going by myself because I needed some time to cry alone and crumble. I don't know what the results are going to be but either way I want to be able to have my reaction in private before dealing with anyone else's reaction, assistance, comfort, etc. She's not willing to let me do this my way because she's super supportive mom out to prove that she's there for me (and that she should have been involved from the beginning). It's too late to do anything about it for tomorrow's test but lesson learned. I won't be telling her about future appointments unless I don't mind her being there.