baby, baby, baby, baby...

My surgery is rescheduled for tomorrow morning. Early tomorrow morning.
The first time around it was really easy to pretend it wasn't happening and I was pretty calm and not worried. I didn't really feel like jumping out of bed and running out of there until they wheeled me in to pre-op. This time I'm much more anxious and nervous. I keep repeating baby, baby, baby, baby... to remind myself why I'm going to let someone poke around in my guts. I'll be so glad when I'm on the other side of this and at home making my family miserable with my cranky recovering self.


baby, baby, baby...

called due to sniffles

I arrived at the hospital and got all the way to pre op before they cancelled my surgery. I've had a cold since last week and since there was still some nasal congestion they thought it best to cancel and reschedule. I'm pretty frustrated about the delay but it's better to be safe than sorry. I hate that I now have to go back to work for a week or two until the next attempt. I had everything neatly taken care for my absence so it will be quite the chore to take work back but not too much since I'm leaving again. argh!

almost time

Thanks for the well wishes and reassurances about surgery and catheters. I'm loving NCLM and discovering all these new blogs!

The past two weeks have been a blur! My sister and littlest nephew were visiting from out of state last weekend. I got back home from dropping them at airport and went to bed for 3 days with a fever. Blech! Friday was my last day at work before surgery so there was lots of putting things in order going on. It will be so nice to not be there for the next 6 weeks or so.

My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday and I'm in a bit of a panic/freak out/denial spiral. It will be interesting to see how much of the cleaning and organizing I manage to get done in the next 24 hours. My mom is going to stay with me for a few days after I get home so I have to make sure the place is snoop proof.

Tag I'm it!

I can't refuse a tag by the Amazing Pepper!

1. What was I doing 10 years ago? 10 years ago my favorite jeans still fit. I was finally feeling like I was over the worst break up ever and ready to move on. I loved the apartment that I was living in and had an adorable tabby cat named Henry.

2. Five things on my to do list for today - I'm going to skip the work stuff since that is never interesting or amusing. Order a birthday cake for my nephew, scan some photos in for dvd slideshow I've been asked to do for an anniversary party, make a pasta salad for nephew's birthday party, buy pretty smelling shampoo and last but never least - laundry.

3. Snacks I enjoy - I'm kind of a snack slut - I love them all! Chocolate anything, chips and salsa, popcorn, Swedish fish, pretzels...

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire - I would take care of my immediate family so they wouldn't have to worry about silly things like mortgages and daycare. I would have a groovy vacation compound where I could hang out with my family and friends. I would buy back the family homestead (shack!) in Ireland and fix it up. I would travel for a few months each year and volunteer at some pet causes the remainder of the year. I would also adopt and foster as many kids as I could take care of.

5. Places I have lived - I've lived my in the central MA or a Boston suburb for my whole life.

Places I’d love to live - MA is the place to be since I can't imagine being happy too far from Fenway.


I'm going to tag anyone who wants to be tagged.


Next up: An actual post

More candles but the wish stayed the same

My birthday was a few days ago and my blowing out the candles wish was the same as it's been every year. A baby. I think I need bigger candles. 37 feels miles closer to 40 than 36 did. Not sure how I feel about that.

I got another shot of Lu*pron the other day and it could be just in my head but I think the flashes have gotten hotter. 4 months is long enough and I'll be glad when this junk is out of my system. I think it's made my skin clearer so I suppose that's something positive to say about fake menopause. I wonder if it has made a drastic difference in the size of the fibroid.


My surgery is fast approaching and I'm finding it tougher to pretend it's not happening. The idea of a catheter is what is freaking me out the most at the moment. Oh and then there is the whole my guts have spent all of my life safely tucked inside my skin for a good reason thing. I am looking forward to the time off and hope that I'm able to get up and around quickly so I can enjoy the break. I should start thinking about what I'll need to pack for my hospital stay. Hmmm, I have no idea since the last time I spent the night in a hospital was when I was born. Any suggestions out there?

Moving past the doubt

I've been lurking on message boards for years but never felt like I had anything to add to the conversation. I was there to learn and I pretty much stayed on the outskirts reading about everyone else and their journey to a family. I was in awe at how they just knew this was the path for them. I was still struggling and hoping that I would find myself with a partner. Everyone says that you will just know when you're ready to make the leap from just thinking to actually doing. Well, now I'm there and it feels good. The last few months I've been so much more comfortable with my decision to pursue single motherhood. It's become "The Plan" and not just the back-up plan. I never doubted that I could parent as a single mother it was the how I got to the parenting part that I had been dragging my feet about. The light bulb moment for me was hearing the results of my HSG. In those first few moments of panic I only heard that pregnancy wouldn't be possible and I just knew I would do whatever it took. The method didn't matter. The reasons I had for waiting no longer seemed important.

I've accepted that this is my path and I'm excited to see what is around the next bend in the road.

Is it hot in here?

I've been meaning to update for weeks but something shiny always distracts me. Heck it doesn't even have to be shiny to distract me lately.

The earliest I could get the surgery scheduled was June. I was hoping to get it done sooner so I can get back on the TTC train sooner but it looks like I'm benched until the fall. 12/31/07 at 11:59 pm I told myself that 2008 wasn't going to end without me holding my baby (or at least be days away from doing so). I guess I'll have to adjust that to entering 2009 with a BFP. I got a shot of Lu_pron 4 weeks ago to shrink Freddy Fibroid and I gotta say I am so not a fan. I went in to the appt with my dr thinking that I was going to refuse the shot but in the end changed my mind because if it does shrink Freddy then there will be less slicing and dicing. So far the side effects have been manageable and that's only because I know people have had it worse. Headaches, hot flashes, longer than usual period and so weepy - I'm tearing up at the lamest things. The hot flashes are um, interesting but in a creepy way. This little preview of the menopause has me feeling pretty old because it's really hit home that in 15ish years it's going to be for real.

I've been so focused on the getting pregnant and having a child part that I didn't think I felt strongly about how I delivered. This surgery guarantees that I'll have to have a c-section and I'm finding that I feel like it's another loss. One more thing that I don't get to do just like everyone else. I've been thinking about it a lot and what was really bothering me was that having a c-section means that I might not be able to hold my baby right away, that pain killers will make me loopy and I don't want to be too out of it to miss any second of those first few hours. I've been reading all the c-section birth stories that I can find on the internets and the experience ranges from no separation to not seeing your baby for hours. It just seems so unfair that they whisk the baby off so quickly.