almost time

Thanks for the well wishes and reassurances about surgery and catheters. I'm loving NCLM and discovering all these new blogs!

The past two weeks have been a blur! My sister and littlest nephew were visiting from out of state last weekend. I got back home from dropping them at airport and went to bed for 3 days with a fever. Blech! Friday was my last day at work before surgery so there was lots of putting things in order going on. It will be so nice to not be there for the next 6 weeks or so.

My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday and I'm in a bit of a panic/freak out/denial spiral. It will be interesting to see how much of the cleaning and organizing I manage to get done in the next 24 hours. My mom is going to stay with me for a few days after I get home so I have to make sure the place is snoop proof.

Tag I'm it!

I can't refuse a tag by the Amazing Pepper!

1. What was I doing 10 years ago? 10 years ago my favorite jeans still fit. I was finally feeling like I was over the worst break up ever and ready to move on. I loved the apartment that I was living in and had an adorable tabby cat named Henry.

2. Five things on my to do list for today - I'm going to skip the work stuff since that is never interesting or amusing. Order a birthday cake for my nephew, scan some photos in for dvd slideshow I've been asked to do for an anniversary party, make a pasta salad for nephew's birthday party, buy pretty smelling shampoo and last but never least - laundry.

3. Snacks I enjoy - I'm kind of a snack slut - I love them all! Chocolate anything, chips and salsa, popcorn, Swedish fish, pretzels...

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire - I would take care of my immediate family so they wouldn't have to worry about silly things like mortgages and daycare. I would have a groovy vacation compound where I could hang out with my family and friends. I would buy back the family homestead (shack!) in Ireland and fix it up. I would travel for a few months each year and volunteer at some pet causes the remainder of the year. I would also adopt and foster as many kids as I could take care of.

5. Places I have lived - I've lived my in the central MA or a Boston suburb for my whole life.

Places I’d love to live - MA is the place to be since I can't imagine being happy too far from Fenway.


I'm going to tag anyone who wants to be tagged.


Next up: An actual post

More candles but the wish stayed the same

My birthday was a few days ago and my blowing out the candles wish was the same as it's been every year. A baby. I think I need bigger candles. 37 feels miles closer to 40 than 36 did. Not sure how I feel about that.

I got another shot of Lu*pron the other day and it could be just in my head but I think the flashes have gotten hotter. 4 months is long enough and I'll be glad when this junk is out of my system. I think it's made my skin clearer so I suppose that's something positive to say about fake menopause. I wonder if it has made a drastic difference in the size of the fibroid.


My surgery is fast approaching and I'm finding it tougher to pretend it's not happening. The idea of a catheter is what is freaking me out the most at the moment. Oh and then there is the whole my guts have spent all of my life safely tucked inside my skin for a good reason thing. I am looking forward to the time off and hope that I'm able to get up and around quickly so I can enjoy the break. I should start thinking about what I'll need to pack for my hospital stay. Hmmm, I have no idea since the last time I spent the night in a hospital was when I was born. Any suggestions out there?

Moving past the doubt

I've been lurking on message boards for years but never felt like I had anything to add to the conversation. I was there to learn and I pretty much stayed on the outskirts reading about everyone else and their journey to a family. I was in awe at how they just knew this was the path for them. I was still struggling and hoping that I would find myself with a partner. Everyone says that you will just know when you're ready to make the leap from just thinking to actually doing. Well, now I'm there and it feels good. The last few months I've been so much more comfortable with my decision to pursue single motherhood. It's become "The Plan" and not just the back-up plan. I never doubted that I could parent as a single mother it was the how I got to the parenting part that I had been dragging my feet about. The light bulb moment for me was hearing the results of my HSG. In those first few moments of panic I only heard that pregnancy wouldn't be possible and I just knew I would do whatever it took. The method didn't matter. The reasons I had for waiting no longer seemed important.

I've accepted that this is my path and I'm excited to see what is around the next bend in the road.

Is it hot in here?

I've been meaning to update for weeks but something shiny always distracts me. Heck it doesn't even have to be shiny to distract me lately.

The earliest I could get the surgery scheduled was June. I was hoping to get it done sooner so I can get back on the TTC train sooner but it looks like I'm benched until the fall. 12/31/07 at 11:59 pm I told myself that 2008 wasn't going to end without me holding my baby (or at least be days away from doing so). I guess I'll have to adjust that to entering 2009 with a BFP. I got a shot of Lu_pron 4 weeks ago to shrink Freddy Fibroid and I gotta say I am so not a fan. I went in to the appt with my dr thinking that I was going to refuse the shot but in the end changed my mind because if it does shrink Freddy then there will be less slicing and dicing. So far the side effects have been manageable and that's only because I know people have had it worse. Headaches, hot flashes, longer than usual period and so weepy - I'm tearing up at the lamest things. The hot flashes are um, interesting but in a creepy way. This little preview of the menopause has me feeling pretty old because it's really hit home that in 15ish years it's going to be for real.

I've been so focused on the getting pregnant and having a child part that I didn't think I felt strongly about how I delivered. This surgery guarantees that I'll have to have a c-section and I'm finding that I feel like it's another loss. One more thing that I don't get to do just like everyone else. I've been thinking about it a lot and what was really bothering me was that having a c-section means that I might not be able to hold my baby right away, that pain killers will make me loopy and I don't want to be too out of it to miss any second of those first few hours. I've been reading all the c-section birth stories that I can find on the internets and the experience ranges from no separation to not seeing your baby for hours. It just seems so unfair that they whisk the baby off so quickly.

ready, set and just waiting for the go

I was excited about moving forward but instead another delay. ugh.

I met with the RE and I can't say I was too impressed. It was pretty clear that she didn't review my chart before I got there and spent most of the time reading the results of the tests I've had over the last year. She disagrees with my previous 3 gyns and wants to remove the fibroid before moving forward. So frustrating because surgery means that I wouldn't be able to start trying until August maybe July. Her hope is that removing the fibroid will open up the tubes and then I can try IUI's. We talked about my insurance coverage and even with my 18 months of old fashioned trying she said I would need to pay for the first 6 inseminations out of pocket. That doesn't seem right to me but I'll wait until we get to that point before challenging. Anyone have any experience in getting their insurance to kick in because you got credit for past trying? If the tubes stay blocked then it's off to IVFville for me and I'll be covered. I'm actually hoping that they will still be blocked so I can move right to IVF. That's twisted isn't it? I just don't want to waste anymore time so I would prefer going right for the hardcore methods.

I'm now waiting for my regular gyn to get back to me about scheduling the surgery. I've never had surgery before and I'm not looking forward to getting cut open. The only positive I'm finding in this whole thing is that since the fibroid is the size of a 20 week pregnancy I'm sure to lose inches and just maybe my favorite jeans will fit again.

Strange feeling this hope thing

My first meeting with the RE is tomorrow and I feel all nervous and excited like it's the first day of school and I'll finally be able to wear my new sneakers. I'm officially moving from 'thinker' to 'trying'. I've watched others make the leap before and they all said I would 'just know' when the time was right. I didn't really believe them because it all felt so overwhelming but the last few weeks I have felt ready. I still wish I wasn't going it alone but I've stopped dragging my feet hoping to miss the SMC bus because Mr. Right finally arrived. The HSG really gave me a much needed kick in the pants. Time for being wishy washy was over and if I wanted a family I was going to have to make it happen.

I've spent the last few weeks looking at donor profiles and I'm no longer rejecting donors based on a gut feeling of 'my type' my choice is all about what will offer a child the most information and as similar a background to mine as possible. I'm disappointed that the choices are so limited and I realize I'm going to have to discard some things from my wish list. Wouldn't it be great if you could just put in your order - Yes, I will have the dark brown hair, brown eyes, Portuguese with a splash of Irish please. What? it doesn't work that way?
The only non-negotiable is open id. I've narrowed it down to two banks and wish that I could combine the two. I like bank Xy because they offer life span photos and audio of interview sessions but their open id program just means that they will forward a letter from the child to the last known address of the donor. If the donor choses not to reply that is the end of it. Bank TSB*C has a better open id program because they will release the name and other identifying info at the child's request once they turn 18 but no photos. It also sounds like they make more of an effort to stay in touch with donors to update profiles. I'm leaning towards bank Xy because I imagine those photos will be priceless to a child trying to figure out who they look like.

I have also been holding off on committing to any travel plans past a few weeks out. I'm not putting my life on hold but I am trying to avoid purchasing non-refundable airline or cruise tickets.