Moving past the doubt

I've been lurking on message boards for years but never felt like I had anything to add to the conversation. I was there to learn and I pretty much stayed on the outskirts reading about everyone else and their journey to a family. I was in awe at how they just knew this was the path for them. I was still struggling and hoping that I would find myself with a partner. Everyone says that you will just know when you're ready to make the leap from just thinking to actually doing. Well, now I'm there and it feels good. The last few months I've been so much more comfortable with my decision to pursue single motherhood. It's become "The Plan" and not just the back-up plan. I never doubted that I could parent as a single mother it was the how I got to the parenting part that I had been dragging my feet about. The light bulb moment for me was hearing the results of my HSG. In those first few moments of panic I only heard that pregnancy wouldn't be possible and I just knew I would do whatever it took. The method didn't matter. The reasons I had for waiting no longer seemed important.

I've accepted that this is my path and I'm excited to see what is around the next bend in the road.

Is it hot in here?

I've been meaning to update for weeks but something shiny always distracts me. Heck it doesn't even have to be shiny to distract me lately.

The earliest I could get the surgery scheduled was June. I was hoping to get it done sooner so I can get back on the TTC train sooner but it looks like I'm benched until the fall. 12/31/07 at 11:59 pm I told myself that 2008 wasn't going to end without me holding my baby (or at least be days away from doing so). I guess I'll have to adjust that to entering 2009 with a BFP. I got a shot of Lu_pron 4 weeks ago to shrink Freddy Fibroid and I gotta say I am so not a fan. I went in to the appt with my dr thinking that I was going to refuse the shot but in the end changed my mind because if it does shrink Freddy then there will be less slicing and dicing. So far the side effects have been manageable and that's only because I know people have had it worse. Headaches, hot flashes, longer than usual period and so weepy - I'm tearing up at the lamest things. The hot flashes are um, interesting but in a creepy way. This little preview of the menopause has me feeling pretty old because it's really hit home that in 15ish years it's going to be for real.

I've been so focused on the getting pregnant and having a child part that I didn't think I felt strongly about how I delivered. This surgery guarantees that I'll have to have a c-section and I'm finding that I feel like it's another loss. One more thing that I don't get to do just like everyone else. I've been thinking about it a lot and what was really bothering me was that having a c-section means that I might not be able to hold my baby right away, that pain killers will make me loopy and I don't want to be too out of it to miss any second of those first few hours. I've been reading all the c-section birth stories that I can find on the internets and the experience ranges from no separation to not seeing your baby for hours. It just seems so unfair that they whisk the baby off so quickly.

ready, set and just waiting for the go

I was excited about moving forward but instead another delay. ugh.

I met with the RE and I can't say I was too impressed. It was pretty clear that she didn't review my chart before I got there and spent most of the time reading the results of the tests I've had over the last year. She disagrees with my previous 3 gyns and wants to remove the fibroid before moving forward. So frustrating because surgery means that I wouldn't be able to start trying until August maybe July. Her hope is that removing the fibroid will open up the tubes and then I can try IUI's. We talked about my insurance coverage and even with my 18 months of old fashioned trying she said I would need to pay for the first 6 inseminations out of pocket. That doesn't seem right to me but I'll wait until we get to that point before challenging. Anyone have any experience in getting their insurance to kick in because you got credit for past trying? If the tubes stay blocked then it's off to IVFville for me and I'll be covered. I'm actually hoping that they will still be blocked so I can move right to IVF. That's twisted isn't it? I just don't want to waste anymore time so I would prefer going right for the hardcore methods.

I'm now waiting for my regular gyn to get back to me about scheduling the surgery. I've never had surgery before and I'm not looking forward to getting cut open. The only positive I'm finding in this whole thing is that since the fibroid is the size of a 20 week pregnancy I'm sure to lose inches and just maybe my favorite jeans will fit again.

Strange feeling this hope thing

My first meeting with the RE is tomorrow and I feel all nervous and excited like it's the first day of school and I'll finally be able to wear my new sneakers. I'm officially moving from 'thinker' to 'trying'. I've watched others make the leap before and they all said I would 'just know' when the time was right. I didn't really believe them because it all felt so overwhelming but the last few weeks I have felt ready. I still wish I wasn't going it alone but I've stopped dragging my feet hoping to miss the SMC bus because Mr. Right finally arrived. The HSG really gave me a much needed kick in the pants. Time for being wishy washy was over and if I wanted a family I was going to have to make it happen.

I've spent the last few weeks looking at donor profiles and I'm no longer rejecting donors based on a gut feeling of 'my type' my choice is all about what will offer a child the most information and as similar a background to mine as possible. I'm disappointed that the choices are so limited and I realize I'm going to have to discard some things from my wish list. Wouldn't it be great if you could just put in your order - Yes, I will have the dark brown hair, brown eyes, Portuguese with a splash of Irish please. What? it doesn't work that way?
The only non-negotiable is open id. I've narrowed it down to two banks and wish that I could combine the two. I like bank Xy because they offer life span photos and audio of interview sessions but their open id program just means that they will forward a letter from the child to the last known address of the donor. If the donor choses not to reply that is the end of it. Bank TSB*C has a better open id program because they will release the name and other identifying info at the child's request once they turn 18 but no photos. It also sounds like they make more of an effort to stay in touch with donors to update profiles. I'm leaning towards bank Xy because I imagine those photos will be priceless to a child trying to figure out who they look like.

I have also been holding off on committing to any travel plans past a few weeks out. I'm not putting my life on hold but I am trying to avoid purchasing non-refundable airline or cruise tickets.

Jumping in the deep end

I've done lots of thinking the last few weeks and I've decided to keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking things one step forward at a time. I have an appointment with an RE on 2/7 to discuss next steps and review financing. I also checked my insurance coverage and luckily I live in a state with coverage so I should be all set once I'm authorized to move forward.

I don't really talk about my plans to have a child with too many people. My sister knows the basics but we don't have long conversations about it. She's never been one for big conversations. I have another sister who I told a year or so ago that this was something I was considering but she hasn't brought it up except one comment about me adopting. That says to me that she's not comfortable with the idea of me using a donor to get pregnant so I don't bring it up. Just this past weekend I was having dinner with my favorite cousin and I told her about my recent news and plans to move forward on having children. She has never met her father in spite of numerous attempts to contact him and I thought she would have some valuable insight to share. My wonderful cousin was so supportive and excited that I was going to do this. She asked lots of questions that gave me a chance to really talk about my plans and how I felt about moving forward.

I can't remember when it was exactly that I became aware that women had the option to buy sperm and get pregnant on their own. I'm sure it must have been television or perhaps a mention in one of my Women's Studies classes. I do remember that show in the late 90's 'Oh Baby' that started out with the main character deciding it was time to have a baby, picking a donor, getting pregnant first try and then meeting a cute guy to date pretty much in the same day. I remember the giving birth episode and the comical portrayal of the tape recording she had of the donor. The hard stuff was all brushed aside in favor of a laugh track but it still got my attention.

I think it was as I was approaching 30 I started to think that I might have to be one of those women who do it on their own. Of course I never thought it would come to that but it was something I tucked away in my back pocket. I had options and that was just one of them. Surely I would meet someone and we would decide to be parents together- I had options. There was always a chance for a happy accident- I had options. Well, turns out not so much- I don't have as many options as I thought. My tubes don't work so having a child will be a deliberate choice involving incredible effort, expense, uncomfortable conversations and decisions with far reaching impacts. My tubes suck and I don't get to take the easy way out. I don't know why I was surprised because nothing worth having ever comes easy and perhaps that is how it should be.

During my long career as a 'thinker' I've been ok with the parenting alone part. What always trips me up is the idea of using a donor and what that really means to me and to any potential children. The least of these concerns was when I thought this road would involve AI - I was seriously icked out by the idea of strange swimmers crashing my pool party. Useless tubes means that this is no longer an issue because the pool will now be a petri dish. Yeah, that pretty much is the only pro I could come up with.

What I still struggle with is using a donor. I am making a deliberate choice to deny my child half of their identity. I can't say that genetics and biology isn't important because it's important enough to me that I am taking this path to motherhood instead of adopting. We all have struggles in our lives and no one has a perfect family or childhood. I can offer my child half of their heritage which is better than what I would be able to provide if I had chosen international adoption. I have spent a lot of time lurking on message boards and reading everything I can about how DC people feel and it's not all good. I move forward with this choice knowing that no matter how wanted and loved my child is and no matter how honest I am about how they were conceived it is very likely that they will struggle with their identity. Using an anonymous donor isn't an option for me because it's not fair to lock the door to potential contact if my child decides they want it. I also think that choosing someone with a similar blend of nationalities will be beneficial because even if my child doesn't know the other half of their genetic family they might find some comfort in knowing that our ethnic heritage and traditions are most likely similar. I don't see too much discussion on this next one but I see half siblings as a positive thing. I would be more inclined to use a donor knowing that there are already families with half siblings willing to be in contact. I would want my child to have the option of knowing these other kids because seeing how they are alike and different will help them to figure out their other half.

I find it all so overwhelming. How to choose.... ugh.

Details and cement filled tubes

I was really anxious about the hyster*oscopy and HSG that I didn't get much sleep the night before. I took 800 mg of ad*vil an hour before my appointment and I'm glad I did!

The hyste*roscopy was up first-
I got to the exam room and everything was already set up which just made me want to bolt out of there! The instruments on a cart and disposable pads on the chair and on the floor. The nurse was really nice and walked me through the procedure and showed me the thin tube thing that would soon be piercing my cervix. I said it didn't look all that thin to me and she said that it was nothing compared to how huge they used to be... yeah that didn't make me think it was any thinner. The doctor was going to be using saline instead of gas so those pads were to catch the water. I appreciated the nurse telling that it was going to happen and that it was perfectly normal for it be messy. I only had to undress from the waist down which was a bonus because it's been pretty chilly lately. Hopped on the table and had to 'scooch' and then 'scooch' again. The doctor put some type of gel on my cervix to numb it (applied with a finger) and then something else to freeze it. I'm not sure what she used but I did feel a tiny pinch. I'll spare you the speculum details since we all know that horror. I didn't really feel the camera or the tube that was used to deliver the saline. Mostly I felt pressure and a little crampy. It was kind of cool to see the inside of my uterus but I declined the offer to take a photo home. I was in the stirrups for about 15 - 20 minutes all together. Once the test was finished and all the tools were removed they had me lay back for a few minutes before getting up. When I did get up I was surprised to see all the blood. I was glad that the 'scooching' had hiked up my sweater or it would have gotten bloody and wet. I brought my own pad from home and some baby wipes to help with the clean up. I only had minimal spotting and if I wasn't having another open wide type test I wouldn't have needed it for longer than an hour.

I had an hour until the HSG so I took more ad*vil.

The HSG was done in radiology and again I only had to undress from the waist down. The tools were all laid out again on a cart and they looked a little more evil in that setting. The table was an Xray table with no stirrups so it was extra fun to 'scooch' and keep my heels at the edge of the table. The doctor uses a cloth to wash you inside and out with some antibacterial... yes I said inside. I was still pretty numb from the earlier procedure so I didn't feel the instruments too much just pressure and slightly crampy. An Xray doctor joined the fun and he was blocking my view so I didn't get to see too much of the show. I had to lay on my back, then roll on to my right side then roll to my left side. It was all over in maybe 10 minutes. This time not much blood but lots of Orange iodine to wipe off. I was glad that they gave me a towel to clean up with since the baby wipes weren't going to cut it.

My results -
Unfortunately the HSG showed quite clearly that my tubes are blocked. My doctor was very matter-of-fact when she said that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant without the aid of IVF. I was crushed and shocked. I was not expecting that. All those months wasting my time charting, what an idiot I was for ever thinking that I might have been pregnant, wasted birth control when I wasn't trying to get pregnant, I can't give myself needles, how will ever afford IVF? hundreds of thoughts swirling around my head but the loudest of all was WHY ME, WHY AM I BROKEN? ISN'T ENOUGH THAT I HAVEN'T MANAGED TO FIND A PARTNER TO SHARE THIS JOURNEY WITH? I was sobbing in the bathroom and barely managed to collect myself long enough to make it my car. I think I might still be in shock or denial because I haven't really let myself think too much about what comes next and how I feel about it. I do have a little voice in my brain trying to get my attention. When I'm talking to someone about the weather it's whispering "yes it's very cold outside and I can't have children" or "blah blah blah work stuff oh and I can't have children with out a chemistry set and lots and lots of cash".

My first comment!

Thanks for stopping by Pepper!