An afternoon with the grandparents

Today I visited my grandmother and she was loving on Mr. O big time! He got lots and lots of kisses and coochie coochie coos from his Nana. She's going to be 86 in a few weeks and even though she's been slowing down these last few years Mr. O's tiny toes and giggles always perk her right up. We had a lovely afternoon and after we said our goodbyes and I pulled out of her street I found myself driving to see my other grandparents.

It had been a long time since I had been to visit so I had to drive up and down the tiny little lanes a few times. There were so many new additions and the small little saplings that I had in mind as landmarks had now grown taller than me.

I was about to give up and try again another day when I spotted my grandfather's headstone. I'm glad I found him first because while our relationship wasn't particularly a close one there were never any bad feelings. He was always happy to see me and the memories I do have of him are good ones. My father's father died when I was in college and I regret that I never made more of an effort to get to know who my grandfather was as a person. I took Mr. O out of the car and introduced him to his great grandfather. I told O a few stories about my V.o.Vo and took a photo to send to my Dad of his grandson meeting his father. Some might think that's odd but my Dad will love it.

My mother's parents are in the next row over and I wasn't sure I wanted to visit until I got to their headstone. My relationship with them is complicated and painful. My grandmother was a wonderful grandmother and I only ever felt extremely loved and cherished by her. She died when I was 13 and it was devastating. Years after her death I learned some things that really made me see her in a whole new way. I struggle with my feelings for the woman I knew as my beloved Gram and how I feel about her now that I know the truth about the woman who was my mother's mother. I told her that I didn't forgive her for not protecting her babies from her husband but that I also remember how much she loved me. I told her I was there to honor that love and I introduced her to my son. Even with all of my conflicting feelings of love, loss, anger and disappointment it was a really powerful moment for me. Oh, and I cried. I cried because just for a moment I let go of the anger and hate and I just missed my Gram and I wish she was here to snuggle my baby and love on him. Poor Mr. O's head was soaked. I then promised my boy that I would always keep him safe and that no one would ever hurt him if I had a breath left in my body. I told her that is what a mother is supposed to do and said my goodbyes.

Are those my toes?

Mr. O turned 4 months old last week and he's been racking up the firsts ever since. He learns a new trick just about every day.

He rolled over from his back to his front. It's funny and sad because he puts so much effort in to the rolling over and then gets so mad when he finds himself on his belly. This new skill of course means that I have to be more careful about where he hangs out because he no longer just stays where I put him.

His Gram was teaching him how to blow raspberries the other day. He will do his version of it back if you do it first.

He will hold his foot during diaper changes or if I hold up his leg for him to grab it. He's not really sure what to do with it yet but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he tries to shove those toes in mouth.

Baby boy has gotten really nosy! In the last few days he will get distracted while nursing. Up until now nothing could disturb him while he was eating. He will pop off and take a look around if he hears a new noise or is just curious about a shadow.

It's only been 4 months but he's already changed so much from that teeny tiny little love bug. It really does go by very quickly. Too quickly!

Bloggy thoughts

I've been thinking about the blog lately and trying to decide what I want to say in this space. I currently have 3 or 4 posts sitting unpublished in the draft folder because I've gotten stuck on what is my story to tell and what parts belong to Mr. O. I thought about starting a new blog that would be all about the day to day with baby and keep this space to talk about non baby but still SMC type things. Then I realized how crazy that would be because I barely have time for one blog never mind keeping two updated and on topic.

Then today I had a light bulb moment....

The problem isn't who the story parts belong to it's the fact that more open I am about the day to day stuff the greater the risk that my barely secret identity would unravel. I want to be more open but I don't want my family tripping over the internet on their way to face.bo.ok and finding my blog. I don't talk about them much over here but I decided to look over older posts and edit out any parts that would cause a family drama fest and then get on with the posting.


In other news Mr. O is 4 months old as of yesterday! How does that happen?!

One year of you

Birthdays are how folks usually acknowledge their time on earth but today feels like an extra special day that should be celebrated too because one year ago today my Mr. O began. My sweet baby boy has existed for exactly one year and I have been his mom for exactly one year (it would be another 11 days before I knew he was in there). All babies are amazing little miracles but it just blows my mind that in that instant of egg meeting sperm my boy was created and so much of who he is and will become started in that moment. There won't be presents and cake but I can't imagine not marking this day in some way each year. Tonight his bedtime story was all about how he came to be. I'm still struggling with what language to use (donor, sperm, man in a can, nice person who helped make you...) but I know that with practice it will get easier and I'll find the words that will work for us.

mmmm, pie

A few weeks ago I celebrated the last birthday of my 30's.

My birthday weekend was low key and wonderful. Saturday was spent doing some outlet shopping in Maine, O getting his first look at the ocean and eating chocolate chip cookie dough pie(me not O). I make the drive up to this particular diner every year for my birthday just for the pie... and yes it is every bit as delicious as it looks (I blogged about this pie last year and probably said the same thing)!

On my actual birthday it was the sweetest thing to just wake up and see my baby smiling at me. Every year for quite a few years now I've wished for a baby while blowing out my birthday candles this year with O on my lap I couldn't think of a thing to wish for in that moment. (Not sure if I'll leave this photo up but for now here I am just before blowing out the candle)

May was a pretty busy month that started and ended with trips that required flying. I'll write more about that later but tomorrow I have a special post coming to celebrate a first anniversary/birthday of sorts. In fact I have a few posts brewing and some even written in draft form so there just might be a posting frenzy over here in the coming days - that is of course if baby gifts me with a nap or two that last longer than 15 minutes.

Ouchie

O's 2 month check up was yesterday and sadly he also had to get his shots. Poor little thing :(
I nursed him during the ordeal and I'm glad I did (even if the nurse gave me a look like 'what the heck are you doing') because I think it helped him calm down faster. After each of the three shots he unlatched and turned so red he was almost purple and screamed so loud I think only dogs could hear it. I got him latched back on real quick each time and he settled down but his breathing had that heartbreaking little hitch to it. I felt horrible because he has no idea that those shots are good for him he just knows that I let someone stick sharp hurty needles in his leg. I don't think he's holding a grudge because he still wanted to cuddle and was giving me smiles once we got out of there. The little guy was pretty much crashed out for the rest of the day and it was odd to have so much downtime all together. Of course I wasted it by watching him sleep and goofing around online.

O has almost outgrown the newborn sizes so today I added 0-3 month sizes to his fashion rotation. That also meant that I had to do 3 loads of laundry. Holy smokes this kid has way too many clothes! You would think that would stop me from buying more but no it doesn't.

Time speeds by

I've been putting off updating because I've had so much to say and it's overwhelming to think about writing all of it down. I have been reading and trying to comment and I'm so excited to have found so many new SMC blogs lately!

New plan is to just jump in and start with today.... here goes!

Today Mr. O will be 7 weeks old. Holy cow! It has gone by so very fast. The minute he was born I was aware of time passing and how I would never have these moments again. He was already growing and learning and before I know it he'll be going away to college.

I had my 6 week check-up with my Dr. last week and she asked when I was having another baby. My answer was how long do I have to wait?! She said that everything looked good during the c-section so as long as it's been at least a year between deliveries I should be fine. Am I really already thinking about doing this again? Absolutely! I was miserably sick during most of my pregnancy. I was so sick that I lost 80+ lbs while pregnant (no worries I had extra cushion) and I'm still willing to do it all again.

The first 5 weeks was full of lots and lots of family - overnight guests and folks stopping by. It was nice having them here but it was tough not having 5 minutes to myself! My mom was a huge help and she took care of the household stuff so I could concentrate on taking care of the baby and myself. It was also great to have someone to pass the baby off to when I needed to shower. When she went home after 5 weeks I missed her. Mom lives close enough that she comes over for a night or two every week. Most of her help is playing taxi for my sister who doesn't drive so I don't have to drag the baby out on those days.

Owie doesn't really have much of a set schedule yet other than refusing to sleep and wanting to nurse constantly every evening from dinner time until about midnight. The boy loves to suck! Breastfeeding has been going really well and I know how lucky I am that it's been problem free (let's hope I didn't just jinx myself). The only trouble is how to feed him when we're out in public. I'm not really a big fan of whipping out a boob in a restaurant or bookstore so I haven't attempted any long trips outside of the house.

So far he seems like a pretty serious baby but he's been smiling big toothy grins for about two weeks and they melt me in to a big mooshy pile of goo every time he does it.