Sweet Baby Dreams

Results from beta #2

2012-01-03T14:33:00.002-05:00

13 dpo = 30
15 dpo = 79
doubling time of 34.36 hours

I'm thrilled that it did slightly better than double but I'm still not convinced that this one is going to stick around.

The nurse I spoke to today was in no mood to entertain thoughts of a viability scan. She kept telling me that I wouldn't be able to see anything because it was too early. I told her I wasn't asking for one now but for her to schedule one for 2ish weeks from now. She didn't even care that the doctor had already signed off on it. She told me that I could ask the doctor myself when I see her at my first appt on the 27th. I don't think I like her.

I'm not really feeling any different other than some cramping and things smelling weird.

A late xmas gift

2012-01-01T17:24:00.000-05:00

It looks like Mr. O might be a big brother in the fall.
I tested and saw a very faint line at 12dpo and called my regular ob to see if they would do some blood work. The nurse I spoke to was awesome! She's my new BFF! My old OB doesn't do maternity anymore so the nurse got a different doctor to agree to two betas 48 hours apart and a viability scan around 6 weeks if I get that far. It was so nice to talk to someone who 'gets' the need to know NOW. My first beta came back at 30. Not too bad for 13dpo but not a rock star number either. I had my blood drawn for the second test yesterday but because of the holiday I won't get the results until Tuesday. I'm really worried about another early miscarriage. I wish it was Tuesday already.

I haven't told anyone yet so please don't mention it if we're friends in another forum or on FB just yet. I am definitely going to wait until after Tuesday to tell my family - maybe even longer than that.

I'm honestly still kind of in denial/shock that it actually worked. 2012 is going to be an interesting year!

On to round 3

2011-12-16T17:21:00.000-05:00

I got a positive opk yesterday afternoon and called the new place first thing this morning to get an appt. It was a bit frustrating because they had to first reach the person on call to see when they could come in before they could schedule something. Luckily I didn't have anywhere that I had to be today but I can see that maybe being a problem on a busier day. Then again nothing about waiting for O and scheduling an IUI is ever convenient. I had to take Mr. O with me because no one was around to watch him. If I was still going to the fancy clinic I might have considering cancelling because the last thing I would want to do is parade him through the waiting room. It wasn't a big deal at the new place because they are a regular practice so I didn't have to worry about it.

The midwife on call was very sweet and I barely felt a thing. She said that everything was looking good. I started to get killer O cramps later in the afternoon so I'm hoping that means that I got the timing right.

Fingers crossed that the 3rd time is a charm.

Change can be good

2011-12-09T17:07:00.000-05:00

After my November cycle ended with a BFN my RE wanted to get more aggressive and start monitoring and possibly some meds. I wasn't ready emotionally or financially because honestly I wasn't worried that the first two cycles didn't work. I asked around and made a last minute switch from the expensive big fancy clinic to a small ob office. They do the IUI's for less than half the cost and maybe 2% of the hassle. I wish I had known about them before because it would have saved me lots of money over the years. If anyone near Boston wants the info just send me an email and I would be happy to share.

I had to go in for an initial consult with the Dr and to get a quick overview of how they work but that was it. No blood work or hoops to jump through! The office staff seemed very nice and working with a SMC is so not a big deal to them. They see us all the time!

I decided to order just one vial because in addition to not getting stuck with any in storage I wanted to make sure that I'm going to stick with this new place.

Strike 2

2011-12-03T08:16:00.000-05:00

SIGH! and we are on to the next cycle.

I was planning on taking December off but once CD1 showed it's face I changed my mind. I'm trying to decide if I want 2 more vials or just go one at a time. The advantage of 2 is that I can combine the crazy shipping cost. I really don't want to be stuck with an extra vial WHEN this works and then have to either keep paying storage fees or let them pour the vial down the drain. Ugh! I'm trying to decide if in the end I'll be more annoyed about the cost of wasting a vial or the cost of the shipping.

I know that I could always donate or try to sell any extra vials but that could end up being a big hassle too.

Mostly I'm just really over this whole TTC thing. I just really really hate the whole process.

Timing wish granted

2011-11-23T00:23:00.001-05:00

3 Days down and 11 more to go of this TWW

I got lucky and the timing worked out for me this cycle. I got a positive OPK on Saturday and IUI was on Sunday. Testing was an adventure because I was out all day and had to do the OPK in a public restroom stall. Those digital tests take FOREVER and I wasn't really enjoying hanging out in the stall until it finally finished. The long line of folks waiting to use the restroom weren't too happy about it either. If they only knew why I was hogging the stall!

I really, really hope that it worked this time because I'm so ready to move past the TTC part. If this cycle ends with a BFN I'll be sitting out December. I just can't deal with all of the scheduling logistics in addition to the usual holiday stress and rushing around. I'll also have to order more vials from the bank and I won't be able to do that until January.

Ready for round 2...if the timing is right

2011-11-13T22:21:00.001-05:00

I was so disappointed that I got knocked out of the running a few days early and I didn't feel one tiny bit of relief. I guess that means that I'm 100% on board for #2.

Fitting in an IUI this cycle is going to be rough. I'm probably going to ovulate over the weekend and I might not be able to get out of work. I would hate to skip a cycle now that I've gotten started. Not to get too ahead of myself but the EDD for this cycle would be August and that would mean that my long distance sister would be able be here. Skipping this month doesn't mean that I won't run into the same scheduling problem next cycle either so I'm going to have to figure out how to make it work. Ugh!

Oh yeah, notice how I mentioned working? I started a part-time job a few months ago. I decided that I needed a practice job to get used to leaving Mr. O before jumping back into working a regular full-time job. I absolutely realize how lucky I am to have been able to stay home with him for as long as I have but that doesn't make leaving him suck any less. I only work a few days a week and my mother watches him for me. That has been going ok but has been quite the lesson in learning to bite my tongue and let go of the little things. She's great with him but let's just say that she has her own way of doing things (or not doing things!). Mr. O enjoys his time with his Grandmother after about 3 or 4 hours he's ready for Mommy to come home. He also doesn't like if I'm away for back to back days.

I used my 11:11 on 11/11 wish to wish for not getting a postive opk until Saturday. Let's hope it gets granted.

Unexpected and unwelcome

2011-11-07T23:04:00.001-05:00

CD1 made a surprise early appearance so it's on to the next cycle. Booooooo!

Getting all caught up

2011-11-05T23:26:00.000-04:00

October had lots of forward movement on the TTC front.

I had called my RE's office in July and had an initial consult to find out what hoops I needed to jump through in order to be treated again. I had to sign updated consent forms and my doctor wanted me to re-do all of the day 3 blood work and STD stuff. My insurance doesn't cover fertility stuff so I went to see my regular ob/gyn and had her order the tests. She also ordered an ultrasound to check on the fibroid I have hanging out on my uterus. I had all of that done in August and everything came back fine. I benched myself in August and September for various reasons. October started and once all of the impending ovulation signs showed up I just felt like this was the month. I called the bank and purchased two vials on CD 9, I got a positive OPK on CD 12 and on CD 13 I had an IUI. Just like that.

I'm currently on day 9 of my TWW and I'm going to test maybe tomorrow but definitely Monday.

And now I'm all caught up.

oh and the TWW sucks just as much as I remember.

Thoughts about trying for 2

2011-11-04T23:00:00.000-04:00

I actually started writing this a month ago -

Way back when I was still a thinker I spent a LOT of time thinking about becoming a SMC. I really wanted to be a mother but I kept pushing out my deadline for making it happen on my own. My reasons for delaying then were that I was still hoping that I would find a partner and that I was way too concerned about what other people would think (including my future child). Once I worked through all those feelings and found peace with the fact that I was meant to walk this SMC path I couldn't wait to get started. Every little delay was so painful and frustrating! Now I wish that I could go back and tell my younger self to get over myself and get moving sooner!

I've spent some time thinking about adding another child to my family. I know that I want more than one child and I'm sure that if/when it happens that it will be wonderful. So why am I taking my sweet ol' time making it happen? Time I might add that I don't really have (I'm 40 and not getting any younger!).

The frustrating delays this time around have all been on me and I haven't been one tiny bit frustrated by them. I could have tried the last two cycles and I found a reason both times not to pursue it. I'm already looking for reasons not to try next month. Obviously I'm still not listening to Future Me because I'm sure I'll also look back and wish that I had started round two much sooner.

Why am I dragging my feet?

I'm loving the little life that I have right now with my Mr. O. He's growing up so fast and I'm constantly wishing that I could freeze time. Shaking our lives up in such a major way seems like it will take away from this little honeymoon period I have going on right now.

I'm not so much worried but I do think a little bit about what others might say about my choice to have another baby. I have felt nothing but overwhelming support from my family and friends so I'm not sure why I think it would be anything different if I were to add another child. I almost feel like they will think that I'm being greedy. Most likely that is just my own baggage that I'm projecting onto to others.

Financially I'm not in the best place right now but I'm not going to let that stop me. Life can change in an instant and if I waited for the perfect time then I would still be thinking about having children and I wouldn't already be someones Mom.

Why am I so sure that my family isn't complete?

I really don't want my son to be an only child. Anytime I think that I would be ok with just one child I think about how much I hate the thought of Mr. O not having any siblings.

My thoughts on Donor Unknown

2011-11-01T01:40:00.000-04:00

I hope that everyone who wanted to see Donor Unknown had the chance to do so. I found it to be really interesting and well done.

While watching it I kept trying to imagine my son as part of the journey these kids were on. I hung on their every word and expression looking for clues as to how he might feel in the future. When they talked about their parents and how they were told about being donor conceived I focused even harder looking for tips on how to have those very same conversations in my family. Tips for how to make sure my son would be ok with how he came to be.

I found it to be very reassuring to see that the kids were finding lots of comfort in getting to know other donor siblings. It reinforced my thinking that reaching out and making contact with other families that used the same donor can only be a good thing for Mr. O.

I loved the contrast of Jeffery talking about how he viewed his donations as calling out to souls with the tour of the donation rooms and how they got exceedingly graphic. It was nice to see that it wasn't just about the money for him and that he gave some thought to fact that life would be created from his samples.

I thought it was really clever how they showed the photo of Jeffery slowly loading on to the screen as the girl talked about how she recognized each feature as it came into view. It was a great metaphor for her journey of discovery. Each new clue or connection to the other half of her genetic identity was uncovered at the speed of an ancient dial up connection. The parents make their donor decision and then move on but these kids are searching and every little crumb of information is so valuable to them. The simplest details on a donor profile, recognizing their eyebrows on a half sibling or a photo of the donor.

What did you think?

Donor Unknown airing on PBS in the US

2011-10-19T23:23:00.003-04:00

The documentary "Donor Unknown" about the adult children of a common sperm donor finding each other and their anonymous father will be airing in the US this week as part of PBS's Independent Lens film program. You can find more info and when it will be airing at www.pbs.org/independentlens/donor-unknown

I was able to catch this last spring when it was showing online and found it be very interesting. If you watch it I'd love to hear what you thought. I plan on watching it again and this time I will be sure to share my thoughts as well.

Toes at the edge of the cliff

2011-10-08T00:08:00.002-04:00

..... and I'm about to take the leap into trying for another baby.

I had a phone consult with the RE 2 months ago and finished all of the blood work that she wanted. I put off trying two months ago because I didn't want to deal with the stress of trying to get my labs in order in less than a week. I then skipped last month because I was most likely going to be out of state during ovulation. I still have to pay for the cycle and order the swimmers but next month will be the one. Yikes! Yes, there has also been some procrastinating. How different from last time around when I would have done anything to make time speed up so I could get moving.

Quite a few newish SMC moms in blog world are currently debating adding to their families or in the process of making it happen. I've really appreciated that they have been blogging through their thoughts because it's really helped me feel less alone (and crazy!) for considering the same. I've been meaning to return the favor/pay it forward and talk about my own thought process around trying for another child but have been finding it difficult to sit with my thoughts long enough to compose something worth reading. I expect to have lots more to say but for now I wanted to put this out there as a jumping off point for more in depth navel gazing.

Unrelated but Good Grief am I annoyed that I'm unable to comment on a bunch of blogs!

17 months

2011-07-24T10:22:00.005-04:00

My sweet Mr. O is 17 months old. Wow.
I don't think I'll ever stop being amazed and surprised at how quickly time is passing. There has been a shift in the last few weeks and when I look at him I don't see a baby anymore. He's very much a toddler. He took his first steps just shy of 15 months and by 16 months he was walking all over the place. We went to the library last month and I let him walk from the car to the door. It was so surreal to be walking with my boy holding onto my hand. It was one of those mommy moments that you realize you had dreamed of when you were thinking of what it would be like to have a child.

Walking has really opened up a whole new world. Playing outside is now a fun option. He wakes up just about every morning with an "outside?" while pointing to the window. I just found a sand & water table at a thrift store and he's having a blast splashing and raking. He's loving his independence and will rarely allow me to hold his hand. This can be a problem while in a store or near a road so he gets one chance to hold on and then it's into the cart/stroller he goes.

His language and comprehension blow me away daily. He might have been a little slow hitting his gross motor milestones but his verbal skills are coming along nicely. Anyone who knows me is not surprised by this because I'm a bit of a chatterbox. He can tell you most of his body parts and being a boy I bet you can guess which one is his favorite! I think we're nearing 100 words that he says clearly.

O has been very interested in animals lately and we're having a great time visiting the local farm. We stop by at least once a week to say hello to the sheep, ducks, cows, goats and bunnies. I keep waiting for O to climb into the sheep pen because he looks like he really wants to get in there with them.

As for me, I'm still just loving every minute of this mom thing. There are moments that I think my heart is going to burst open. O will be just about to fall asleep and he'll lean over and give me a kiss unprompted. Bliss :)

Then there are moments of frustration and annoyance. I'm not too thrilled and blissful when he dumps his just made dinner all over the floor or simply refuses to settle down for a nap. It's not all giggles and sunshine when he's pelting with me apple slices as I bend over to pick up cheerios. Ok, that time was funny.

So far this single mother thing isn't so bad. There honestly hasn't been one minute of regret or wishing that I had a partner. That may change when this sweet little boy is a not so sweet teenager. I'll let you know.

Jumping back in

2011-07-21T23:23:00.004-04:00

The minute O was born I was already thinking about having another baby. I blame the intoxicating new baby bliss. How could I not want to do it all over again while I was sniffing new baby sweetness? Seriously though I never wanted to parent an only child. I always hoped to have at least two children. I can't imagine life without my siblings (and nephews) and I want that connection for my son. I want O to have a sibling so that he has someone to share eye rolls over their making them crazy mother. I also hope that having a full sibling will help if he struggles with the fact that I used a donor.

Way back when I went to my doctor for my 6 week post-partum visit I asked her how soon I could start trying for another baby. I was serious about not wasting any time. She told me to wait until O was 9 months old. Then when 9 months arrived I wasn't ready. I was still nursing and wasn't willing to stop in order to get my cycles moving again. I was still busy basking in the joy of having this one baby and I didn't want anything to distract me from those precious baby moments. Mr. O is now 17 months old and I'm 40. If I was a few years younger I would wait another year but time isn't on my side and it's now or never.

It's been on my mind for months and I finally called and made an appt to talk with my RE. My insurance won't cover family planning so everything will be out of pocket. I'm hoping to skip all the testing and just jump back into doing unmonitored IUIs like last time. I hope she agrees with my plan because I really don't want to pay for blood work. I've been checking in with the sperm bank and keeping tabs on the dwindling number of my donor's vials. I need to make a purchase very soon but I'm not sure how many I should get. If I start TTC soon I'll start with 2? 3? I just don't want to get stuck with a bunch of vials or worse not have enough. Ugh! So tough! So pricey!

I'm also not 100% sure that this is a good idea. I'm mostly sure but I do have some doubts. One kid is doable and adding another is going to seriously shake things up around here.

Wrapping up the 30 day non-challenge challenge Day 22 - 30

2011-07-21T22:19:00.003-04:00

Day 22 – What is your most beloved childhood memory? What memories are you trying to create (or will you try to create) for your child(ren)?
Family traditions! Pancakes on Sunday mornings, skipping school and work on your birthday, Holiday hoopla, etc

Day 23 – What are your favorite activities to do with your kid(s)?
Mr. O is still new enough that our activities change all the time as he learns new skills. Right now he seems to be interested in animals so we're having lots of fun visiting pet stores and the local farm to feed the sheep and ducks.

Day 24 – What are your favorite activities to do without your kid(s)? (keep it clean!)
To just sit quietly. To do nothing and not have to jump up and stop the kid from falling off furniture, pulling on the light cord, trying to open the front door or letting his cup of milk drip all over the carpet.

Day 25 – What did you want to be when you grew up? Why and/or how did that change over time?
I thought that I was going to be a teacher up until I was just about to start student teaching. I decided that as much as I loved working with kids I liked the idea of having more money better. I tried out the corporate world and even though I was making good money it was soul sucking. I sometimes wish I had stuck with my original dream.

Day 26 – What is/are the best piece(s) of parenting advice you’ve gotten or can give others?
Trust yourself. If you take the time to think through your parenting decisions and make an informed decision then don't let anyone else make you feel like you're doing it wrong.

Day 27 – Which movies or tv shows do you think are the most accurate portrayals of parenthood?
Hmmm, instead I'm going to say that I wish it was more like the Brady Brunch. I really wish I had an Alice.

Day 28 – What size family do you come from, what size family do you want, and why?
I have two siblings and lots of cousins. Unfortunately, my extended family had a falling out and I only interact with a few of those cousins. I always thought that I would have three or four kids but my life didn't work out that way. I'm hoping to have one more child so that O can have a sibling.

Day 29 – What do you think about giving kids an allowance, and what chores do you or would you expect your child(ren) to help out with?
Mr. O will absolutely have chores! Our family is a team and everyone will be pitching in to keep the household running. In addition to keeping his own things neat and tidy he will know how to do all housekeeping tasks by the time he's ready to live on his own.

I hope to use an allowance to teach O about managing money.

Day 30 – What is/are the most memorable questions or reactions you’ve gotten in regards to being a choice mom family?I've been really surprised by how positive everyone has been. I was expecting and prepared for lots of negative comments. I've also been surprised at the lack of questions. I even make leading statements thinking that my family will pounce on the opportunity to ask about the donor or the process and they never take the bait. It's so not like them to mind their own business!

SMC event in NYC coming this October

2011-06-29T23:49:00.003-04:00

SMC's 30th Anniversary Celebration

Registration is now open for the SMC gathering
in New York City, October 14-16th, 2011.

You can now register for the celebration, look at the agenda, and make a hotel reservation.

The site is password protected so you'll have to first request the password by emailing: smc-office at pipeline dot com

30 Day Non-Challenge Day 18 - 21

2011-06-23T23:59:00.001-04:00

30 day non-challenge day 18-21
Want to play along?

Day 18- How do you feel about astrology? What's your sign, baby, and do think it matches your personality?
I think it's fun to read my horoscope every once in awhile and I look at as entertainment (especially the Oni.ons horoscopes). When I was TTC I used to read my monthly horoscope hoping for some indication that this next cycle was going to be the one. I also have been known to buy a lottery ticket or two because it said I had a lucky money day. I'm a Gemini and I think that it sort of matches my personality but then again if I read another sign's by mistake I can find bits of myself in those too.

Day 19- How do you feel about PDA?
I'm ok with some hand holding and a quick smooch here and there but I'm not a big fan of groping and tonsil exams. If you wouldn't do it in front of your grandmother then please don't do it in the grocery store.

Day 20- What is the kindest thing someone has ever done for you? Did you repay the kindness?
Ooooh, good one! I'm happy to say that I'm having a hard time coming up with the kindest. I'm thinking about which one to choose and I'm finding that I originally ruled some out because the gesture came from people that you just expect to do things for you - like my mother. Mom is always just a phone call away if I need something. When I was pregnant I suffered from all day morning sickness and a few times it was so bad that one night that I called my mother in tears and she drove right over and took care of the clean-up and made me a buffet of bland foods to try and keep down. After Mr. O was born my mom stayed with us for a few weeks and made sure that the only thing I had to worry about was the baby. She cleaned the house, cooked for me and didn't make a big deal out of me crying over the silliest things. She was super respectful of making sure that I got plenty of bonding time with the baby even though I imagine it was tough for her not to swoop in and steal all the cuddles.

I'm a stickler for thank you notes when I receive a gift or if someone does something extra nice for me. I really try to pay forward any kindnesses that I receive. I could however do a better job of recognizing and paying back the folks closest to me because I often just assume that they know how I feel.

Day 21- What child(rens) names do you like that your partner hates and thus you could never use?
Luckily the upside to doing this on my own is that I didn't have to negotiate names!

Boston Choice Mom networking event on Sunday, June 26.

2011-06-19T13:18:00.002-04:00

There are only a few seats left for the Boston Choice Mom networking event on Sunday, June 26
If you're still thinking about maybe going register now before it's too late!

I hope to see you there!

30 Day Non-Challenge Day 15 - 17

2011-06-17T23:35:00.004-04:00

30 day non-challenge Day 15 - 17

Day 15- What was your college experience like? Were you involved in any clubs, groups, etc.?

I had lots of fun in college. Lots of fun. I graduated 10 years late kind of fun. It wasn't all about drinking and partying it was all about getting really involved with my boyfriend and the school's radio station. I made some really amazing friends and the skills I learned running that radio station are the skills I use everyday in my career.

Day 16- How many friends do you have in real life that you talk to regularly? How many friends do you have that are "true blue" and how long have you known them?

I don't connect with my friends as much as I would like these days. I'm still in that new baby bubble and most of them are well past the little kid stage or have no interest in family style fun. Fac.ebook makes it easy to have the appearance of keeping in touch because you can keep up with the big events without having to put much effort into the relationship but it's not really the same thing. I'm starting to make more of an effort to re-connect with my friends by making plans to do grown up things but truthfully I would really much rather be home reading stories or building block towers for Mr. O to knock over.

In the 'true blue' category I have a few wonderful friends.
A is my BFF from the old neighborhood and we've known each other for almost 30 years (yikes!). She knows the real me and even if we don't talk for long periods of time (sometimes a year or two has gone by) we can pick up right where we left off. We are unconditionally there for each other. Love her :)

M is a dear friend, ex-boyfriend, just a friend, ex-boyfriend, just a friend... We met almost 20 years ago and I'll always love him. He knows me very well and we've supported each other through some tough times. Our relationship has changed dramatically now that I'm a Mom and I think we're still working through those changes.

I met P at work a dozen years ago and we just 'get' each other. We crack each other up. Some people find us really annoying to around because we tend to speak our own language.

Day 17- What is your favorite thing about parenthood? Your least favorite?

There are so many amazing things about parenthood. I'm just loving all of it and I'm so grateful that I have the opportunity to be a mom. I love watching O try to figure things out and it's so wonderful when he does something new. He's walking now and he's so excited about wearing shoes. He tells me all about his SHOOOS while I'm putting them on him. He tries to make me laugh by making goofy faces or blowing raspberries on my belly or arm. He climbs up onto my lap for cuddles and kisses and his face lights up every time I walk into his line of sight.

My least favorite are the sleep struggles. It was just so frustrating trying to get him to sleep for the night because after a long day of baby duty I look forward to bedtime so that I can get some me time. I made some changes and put more predictable structure around bedtime and eliminated distractions and it's been better but every once in awhile it still takes too long to get him settled. On those tough days I just keep reminding myself that I wanted this more than anything and that these rough patches are just a phase. We're also at the beginning of tantrums and while right now they are kind of cute I can totally see them overtaking sleep struggles as my least favorite!

30 Day Non-Challenge Day 11 - 14

2011-06-14T23:32:00.001-04:00

30 Day Non-Challenge Day 11
Want to play along?

Day 11 – In what ways does being a SMC impact your experience of parenting?

I would say that being a choice mother means that I approached parenting very deliberately. Becoming a parent wasn't something that just happened by accident. It was something that for me took lots (and lots, and lots, and lots...) of thought, planning and soul searching. I set out to have a child on my own and I went into it knowing that I would be the sole provider for all of my child's many needs. There would be no days off and there wouldn't be another parent that is equally responsible for my son's well being. It's all me all the time. Sometimes that can be pretty overwhelming but even in those tough moments I still don't regret my choice. I'm very aware that I am the only parent and it's really forced me to face my own mortality. I am much more cautious and have made changes that I hope will increase my chances of seeing my son grow up. I take my own health much more seriously and I now wear my seat belt every single time no exceptions. I have already started telling my son his story and how we became a family. I'm providing my extended family with the language I prefer and making sure that they get any discomfort they have with his story out of their systems now before he's old enough to pick up on it. My not too social self is making it a point to reach out and make connections with other families like ours so that he will know others with similar stories.

Day 12- Tell us about the first time you got drunk (as far as you can remember...)
First time? That's a tough one. I drank maybe two or three times before college and I think the buzz I felt was due more to me and my friends being all goofed up on the idea of being drunk than actually being anywhere close to being drunk. I doubt sharing a wine cooler did much damage. College was really where the drunk happened. I don't really remember the first time but I do remember that me and my BFF knew we had arrived at drunk if we couldn't feel our teeth.

Day 13- Tell us about the best job you ever had, and the worst
Hmmm, they might be one and the same!

Day 14- How do you typically dress? How do you like to dress your kid?
I own more pajama pants than actual pants. Most days I am dressed extremely casual and it's not unusual for me to shower in the morning and then put on clean pjs. If I'm actually going to leave the house my usual uniform is jeans and a black shirt of some kind or v-neck sweater.
Mr. O is much more stylish than his Mama. I don't like shirts with lots of cartoony goofy things on them or too generic BOYish. My favorite things of his are a Mr. Potato Head shirt, ET t-shirt all of his I love Mommy shirts and shirts with fake ties on them. He mostly wears cotton pants because they are easy to move around in but I do love how he look in his overalls. He also has lots of clothes with monkeys on them because who doesn't love monkeys!?

30 Day Non-Challenge Day 10

2011-06-10T23:52:00.004-04:00

30 Day Non-Challenge Day 10
Want to play along?

Day 10 – Share your favorite recipe

This is my great grandfather's recipe for Portuguese Favas

I make it at Christmas time for our family's party and it's taken me a few years to get it just right.

Happy Day

2011-06-09T23:29:00.003-04:00

Two years ago today Mr. O was created and our journey together began. I had such hope and a tingly feeling when I hopped off the table after the IUI. Today that little bundle of cells is just as busy as he was then. He took his first steps 2 weeks ago and in the last few days he's been working really hard to master walking across the room. He still needs to hold on to something in order to get to his feet but I'm sure it won't be long before he can do it without assistance. O has been talking up a storm and I was amazed the other day when I started listing the words he can say and understand. I counted up to 40 words! Mama, Star, Duck, Mickey Mouse and Flower are his favorites and he points them out whenever and where ever he sees them. He knows some of his body parts and will point to them when asked - nose, eye, ear, mouth, tongue, teeth, BELLY, knee, fingers and toes. Toes are the cutest because when you ask him where they are he wiggles them for a bit before grabbing them. Another cute for now but I'm sure it will get old fast trick of Mr. O's is a new found love of the word NO and temper tantrums. If you take something away it's No, No, No! I tried to take away a spoon that he was using to steal ice cream from my bowl and he started flailing about while shrieking NO NO NO! Peek-a-Boo is still his #1 game but playing catch with a ball is a close second.

2011-06-09T23:22:00.002-04:00

30 Day Non-Challenge Day 9
Want to play along?

Day 9 – What is the most important lesson you learned from your own mother (or other primary caretaker)?

I was raised by a single mother and the most important lesson she taught me was that women could do anything a man a could and if you were willing to put in the hard work then there was nothing that you couldn't accomplish. The second most important and really just about tied with the first is that nothing is more important than family.

30 Day Non-Challenge Day 8

2011-06-08T21:48:00.002-04:00

30 Day Non-Challenge Day 8
Want to play along?
Day 8 – If you had to teach something, what would you teach? (If you DO teach, when did you discover your love for teaching/the subject?)
If I know how to do something than I'm pretty good at showing others how to do it, too. I'm pretty good at translating technical babble into understandable instructions. Of course there are some folks who will just never understand (my mother!) how to use gadgets.

Day 7 of the Non-Challenge

2011-06-07T22:19:00.002-04:00

I've decided to participate in The new 30 Day Non-Challenge! to get my blogging rolling again. I'll catch up with the days I missed hopefully this week. Want to play along? Some of the questions are 2 Mom focused but I'll just make those fit my SMC life.

Day 7 – What’s your favorite thing to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner? If you have children, what are their favorites?

Breakfast - Me: I don't normally eat breakfast but I do love eating out for breakfast. Love going to a diner and ordering two eggs over medium with homefries and toast. If I'm extra hungry and the grill is extra greasy I'll order a grilled bagel with cream cheese.

O: He seems to be a fan of scrambled eggs with cheese and a green veggie mixed in. Most days he has a banana or apple with a handful of cheerios and sometimes cheese or yogurt.

Lunch - Me: I'm a sandwich kind of gal. Salami with cheese on white bread w/ mayo is my favorite but I don't have it very often. It reminds me of when I was kid and would have lunch in my Nana's air conditioned tiny kitchen.

O: His naps usually fall right around lunch time so middle of the day is usually just a snack. Cheese stick, some kind of fruit, or leftover eggs from breakfast.

Dinner - Me: Honestly I should have answered all 3 meals with this... PIZZA.
O: A 3 way tie with pasta with scrambled hamburger, steak and an orange. Oranges are the only food that never ever get tossed onto the floor.

Catching up on Days 1-6 of the Non-Challenge

2011-06-07T19:35:00.001-04:00

All caught up! Want to play along?

Day 1 – Provide a picture of the space where you normally blog
I'm going to skip the photo because the space that I normally blog is in serious need of some cleaning. I have my laptop on top of an orange storage tub beside my bed. It allows me to get my internet fix while laying down in bed so while not very pretty it works.

Day 2 -Describe your high school self. What extracurricular activities, if any, did you participate in during high school?
High school me was happy. I had great friends, great hair and a pair of kick-ass acid wash jeans.

Day 3 -What are your guilty pleasures?
Chocolate shakes. I started drinking them while I was pregnant because they would stay down more often than other food and it's been a hard habit to break (...is that Chicago I hear?).

Day 4 – (for parents) What has most surprised you about parenthood?
(for parents-to-be) What has most surprised you about ttc?
I've been surprised at how easy it has been to have my life completely changed. I think that it's felt easy because I expected it to be so much more difficult.

Day 5 -What do you prefer to do on your birthday? If you have children, what do you prefer to do for their birthday?
Every year my Mom calls me at the exact time that I was born. I like to drive up to Maine and have lunch or dinner at a diner that makes an outrageously delicious chocolate chip cookie dough pie and do some outlet shopping.

Day 6 – When was the last time you tried something new? What was it and what was the result?

I tried brussel sprouts for the first a few weeks ago and I was surprised to find that I liked them. I'm trying to keep an open mind about what I feed Mr. O and model a willingness to try new things.

"Donor Unknown" documentary streaming for free on Friday

2011-04-27T23:19:00.003-04:00

The documentary "Donor Unknown" is part of the tribeca film festival and will be streaming online for free this Friday.

Here is a synopsis from the film's site

..."Donor Unknown follows JoEllen from her discovery of her siblings, to the moment Jeffrey steps forward to identify himself as Donor 150, to her decision to travel to California to meet him. Along the way, we meet Danielle in New York, who was not told by her parents that she was donor-conceived till the age of 14, and is uncertain of the kind of relationship she could ever sustain with Jeffrey; Rachelle in Memphis, who is not sure if she ever wants to meet him; Ryann and Roxanne, who live in California and have already established some kind of relationship with Jeffrey; and Fletcher, 19, who decides the time is right to follow JoEllen on her journey to meet their donor father.

At the centre of the film is Jeffrey, living with his dogs and his pigeon in a car park by the beach, and preparing his broken-down RV for the arrival of JoEllen and Fletcher. At 52, his sperm donor days are over but his story has cast him in the role of an unlikely pioneer. His decision to cast aside his donor anonymity to meet them is a step few donors have taken.

Donor Unknown is a film about a new kind of ‘family’. Linked by their connection to a single sperm donor – 150 - parents and children are creating and navigating a new set of relationships. They are discovering first hand what a close biological connection to a stranger means for themselves and their identity. What happens next opens up some fascinating questions about nature and nurture, the responsibilities of parenthood, the moral integrity of the cryobanks, and the hazards of genetic inheritance. As the laws on donor anonymity change in some countries, there are fewer sperm donors and there’s a roaring trade in ‘fertility tourism’, for overseas sperm and egg donation."

In order to watch it you will need to create a log-in and "reserve a seat"

If anyone else watches it I'd love to talk more about what you thought of it.

Registration now open for the Boston Choice Mom networking event

2011-04-23T10:53:00.001-04:00

Registration is now open for the Boston area Choice Mom networking event to be held on June 26.

For more information check out the Choice Mom website.

ETA: This is event is for everyone no matter where you are on the Choice Mom/SMC journey - thinkers, tryers and already moms

Meeting and making connections

2011-03-15T00:08:00.004-04:00

I want to connect with fellow SMCs/Choice Moms in the Boston/New England area - no matter where you are on the journey. Now that Mr. O is here I feel that it's even more important for me to make an effort to connect face to face with other SMCs because I want him to see other families like ours. I was all excited a few months ago about the possibility of Mikki Morrissette hosting a Choice Mom networking event in Boston this June but now it's looking like it might not happen because there isn't enough interest. Where is everyone hiding?

Those of you in other areas how do you connect with other SMCs? Any suggestions for organizing meet ups? Where do you hang out online to connect with others?

Tag I'm it

2011-03-10T22:34:00.003-05:00

Getting tagged by Navigating the Rapids came at the perfect time because I've been looking for things to kickstart the writing over here.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?

No pets. Growing up I had pet cats but they were more like the relatives you tolerated. I guess they were the cousin Olivers of the family.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?

Sappy but I feel like my dream has already come true now that Mr. O is here.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?

A billion dollars and not having to worry about money would be the bee's knees! The first thing I would do is take all of my nieces and nephews on a fun trip to see the Mouse. I would make sure my immediate family was taken care of and there would be lots of travel for me and the boy. Honestly though a billion dollars is too much money and I would love to use the majority of it to do some good. So many people need just a little bit of help to do great things.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Lately it's a smooch, giggle or silly face from Mr. O.

5. What is your bedtime routine?

My routine is that I don't really have a routine. After dinner and clean up Mr. O plays with his toys until bedtime and then it's off to be we go. Sometimes there is a story but not every night. Once he's asleep I get some internet time.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? If you aren’t, what have you tried in the past few years to meet someone?

My most significant relationship in the last few years was with a frozen vial of swimmers.

I've tried all the usual ways of meeting someone and it just hasn't worked out. Yet.

7. What kind of books do you read?

I used to read books all the time but now I spend most of my reading time online. I'm kind of a literature snob so if I do make time to read it's usually something you would find on an English class reading list.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?

Hopefully spending some of that billion dollars! 10 years from now I hope to be the mother of two (three??!!) and that I've finally met my Mr. Right. I want a job that allows me lots of time at home and pays the bills.

9. What’s your fear?

That something will happen to me and I won't get to see my son grow up and have children of his own.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?

Um, no! What's so great about outerspace? However, I would give up junk food for a billion dollars.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

We're still co-sleeping so the first thing is nurse the boy and hope that he will doze off for a few minutes. That hardly ever happens so we snuggle and talk about what we should do with our day. Ok, I talk he listens and tries to stick his fingers in my eye or up my nose.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? Or, if you’re single - if you could choose a significant other who looked like anyone in the world, who would it be?

I would change the fact that he's invisible.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I like my name just fine.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?

I would go with the rain. I like chilly sweater weather and being huddled up inside.

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Pizza is the perfect food

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?

I like the community that I've found through blogging. I get so much out of connecting with and hearing other SMC's stories. I like that I can look back at what I've written and realize how far I've come on my journey.

18. What items are in your purse right now?

I've never been a purse person. I used to just carry a wallet with money and credit cards. Now I have a backpack with my wallet and 20 lbs of baby gear. (diapers, wipes, extra clothes, cheerios, toys, etc)

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?

Mountains. I'm not a big fan of sun and hot.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?

Shouldn't? How about what I'm almost ashamed to admit. Hoarders. I just don't understand that kind of crazy.

I'm not going to tag anyone in particular but consider yourself tagged if you want to be.

and just like that he's 1

2011-03-07T00:07:00.004-05:00

Mr. O celebrated his 1st birthday last week and I'm still wondering how it's possible that not only do I have a baby but that he's a whole year old. This past year has been the most amazing and full of so much joy. This past year has also flown by at triple speed.

O is growing and changing every day. He's finally sprouted some teeth in the last few weeks and while I miss the gummy grin the tiny teeth are too adorable. He's still looks like a little baldy but there is some fuzz growing. He doesn't say much that I can understand but everytime he says "Momma" my heart swoons.

2010 I love you and I'm sorry to see you go

2010-12-31T23:25:00.003-05:00

2010 was a very good year and for the first time in my life I'm a little sad to see a year end. I'm sure 2011 has lots of exciting and wonderful things to offer but it will be tough to top 2010. 2010 was the year my sweet baby dream came true.

When I look at pictures of myself from the past year I'm amazed at all the happy oozing out of my smile. I look like a different person. I am a different person. I'm Mr. O's Mom. I'm finally a mom.

In the past my New Year's post was all about how next year would be the year. Thank you 2010 for being the year.

Happy New Year bloggy friends and I hope with all of my heart that 2011 is your year.

Feeding for all to see

2010-11-23T00:36:00.000-05:00

The last of the started but not finished until now posts from the draft folder.
I hesitated to put this one out there at first because bre.astfe.eding (BF) is one of those topics that usually end up in battles or tears. I know that I'm incredibly lucky that BF has worked out so well for me and that for some folks it isn't so easy or sadly even an option. I believe that we all make the best choices we can for our babies and ourselves and if someone doesn't agree then they can $!#$!! It truly doesn't matter how we feed our babies - just that we do.

Nur.sing my boy has been an unexpected joy. When I was pregnant the plan was to give BF a try and see how it goes. I liked that it was free and good for the boy but mostly I was digging on the free. I would read about women who love, LOVE, love the BF relationship and are sad when it ends and I admit I just didn't understand what the big deal was. It's just a way to feed your kid and you don't hear anyone gushing over spoonfulls of chee.rios, right? Well, I'm still not gushing but I think I kind of get it now. It's both a physical and an emotional thing. My body responds to his hunger cues and schedule and if I don't nurse him the full feeling is a tingly kind of uncomfortable. I love being all snuggled up together while he's eating. I can look down at that tiny face and nuzzle his fuzzy little head. These days he's so busy moving around and trying to get in to things that the only time he'll sit still for a cuddle is when he's eating.

I was a BF baby but growing up all of my cousins were formula fed and being the oldest of all those cousins I helped feed a lot of babies their bottles. I didn't take any classes or read any books but a few days before Mr. O was scheduled to make his appearance I did take a look around the internet to see if there were any tips or how to videos on BF. Not really all that helpful. I guess my plan was to wing it and keep my fingers crossed that it would work. It felt a little pinchy at first and I wasn't sure if the boy was latched on correctly. The nurses tried to help but mostly they would just grab a handful of boob and stuff it in the baby's mouth. I was lucky that we really didn't have any problems. It just worked. I did feel a little sore at first but those little sample tubes of La.ns.inoh really helped. It would take a month or so before I no longer needed to use the Lan.sin.oh after every nur.sing session.

The toughest thing about BF for me was doing it in front of other people. Especially in the beginning when I was still figuring it out. In those first few weeks I had a constant parade of family and friends visiting and staying with me. It was pretty isolating to be trapped in my bedroom for hours at a time because I wasn't comfortable feeding the baby in front of everyone. I have a 13 year old nephew and I absolutely did not want to be the owner of the first pair of boobs he sees! Nur.sing in public - ugh! I really struggled with my need for privacy and my baby's need to be fed NOW! RIGHT NOW! I remember taking Mr. O to get his photos taken at the mall when he was a few weeks old. It took longer than it should have and he needed to be fed. I put on my big girl panties and found a bench off to the side in a quieter part of the mall. I have a nur.sing cover but I still felt so exposed. It was torture. After that I planned any outings around the baby stores because they have mother's rooms for feeding (why don't more places?!). If he got fussy while we were at a restaurant or some non baby store I would go out to the car. I used to spend a lot of time in the car.

It has gotten easier to BF in public and while I'm not entirely comfortable it's no longer the torture it once was. I realized that most of the time people don't even notice that I'm nur.sing. When we're out I'm constantly scoping out quiet spots off to the side just in case I need to feed the boy. If we're in a restaurant I ask for a booth because it's easier and more discreet than a chair at a table. I will even ask to be seated away from the crowd in an emptier section if possible. I have now nur.sed Mr. O at the top of the Empire State Building, FAO Schwarz, the Lincoln Memorial, Fenway Park, Disney World, Busch Gardens and some places a little less public than those! I'm so grateful that Mr. O doesn't pull off the nurs.ing cover because if he did I would probably go back to hiding out in the car.

Pregnancy

2010-11-21T02:16:00.000-05:00

Another post from the draft folder. I started writing this one in April.

I didn't blog too much while I was pregnant. I meant to and I had things that I wanted to say but I just never managed to get them written down.

I didn't have any of the typical pregnancy symptoms until I was almost 2 months along. In fact I didn't feel one teeny tiny bit different. I felt like maybe I had dreamed that positive pregnancy test and it wasn't really true. It doesn't help that once you get a positive test you have to wait weeks and weeks to see a doctor. I was so afraid that I would get to that first ob appointment and they would tell me that it was all a mistake and I wasn't really pregnant. Around 7 or 8 weeks I had my first wave of nausea and I was so excited. Ha, ha, ha, I laugh now at how dumb I was because from that moment until the baby arrived I was sick every single day. I even vomited during delivery. It's funny that people always said that once you have that baby you'll forget the pain of labor and the discomfort of pregnancy. While I was pregnant I thought there was no way that I would do it again because being sick all the time was so miserable. Now that I'm on the other side it's not that I've forgotten (not one little bit!) it's more that the reward is so worth all the misery. Fitting into pants that I haven't been able to get past my knees in years has been kind of nice too.

I always thought that once I got pregnant that I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself and would be telling everyone the minute I found out. I was the complete opposite. I told my immediate family as soon as I found out and then threatened them with all kinds of torture if they didn't keep it a secret. At first I was nervous that it would be another miscarriage and I didn't want to untell the news. Once I got to 12 weeks I was still hesitant about making big announcements. It seemed like such a private thing and I didn't want to share. I kept putting off telling people that I don't see all the time until I was 6 or 7 months along. I think a big part of that was being afraid of folks asking about the father. I was comfortable with the fact that I had used a donor but since I had never really encountered any opposition or negative reactions it was easy to be confident with my choice. It just seemed like it would be exhausting to deal with. My immediate family was easy because I knew they would love me no matter what but opening up myself and my baby to the judgement of others gave me pause. When I told my parents I gave them both a lecture about how this was their grandbaby and the story of how he came to be was something to celebrate. I also made it clear that I absolutely would not tolerate anyone making him feel like it was a shameful secret and that it was up to them to make sure that the extended family gets that message too. In the end I was so surprised at how much of a non-issue it was. My mother took the celebrate bit a little too much to heart because she told EVERYONE all about her miracle grandbaby and how wonderful it was. The neighbors, multiple sales clerks at multiple stores, waitresses, etc (she loves to make new friends!). Funny thing is that everyone she talked to was so positive and sadly she heard from more than one that they regretted not making the same choice.

15 Weeks of Wisdom & then revisiting it at 37 weeks

2010-11-10T22:00:00.002-05:00

I was cleaning out my drafts folder and found a few posts that I never got around to finishing. I started writing this one back in June when Mr. O was just 15 weeks old.

Mr. O has been on the outside for 15 weeks and here are a few things that I've learned. I hope this doesn't come across as complaining or whining because it's really not how I intend for it to sound. Mostly it's stuff I 'knew' before but now that it's a reality it can be challenging. Especially as a single parent.

For me the absolute hardest part of adjusting to motherhood has been the fact that my needs do not come first. I can no longer pee, shower, brush my teeth, eat a meal, complete household chores or spend time reading, gaming, watching tv or reading blogs whenever I feel like it. All of those things are put off and crammed in to those little moments when baby isn't demanding some kind of attention. Even when the baby is happily playing on his mat or napping you just never know when they are going to start crying for you. It could be 3 minutes or it could be an hour so it's hard to start more involved tasks because you just never know when you'll need to stop what you're doing. I asked for this and I'm not the least bit resentful it's just that the reality takes a bit getting used to. We're still finding our rhythm over here but I have found that the more organized I am the easier it is to eek out some moments for myself.

Be prepared! Repack the diaper bag when you return home from an outing instead of when you are already rushing to get out the door. If you have to be somewhere the next day get everything you're going to need together the night before. I've found that this simple step has increased my chances of actually being able to take a shower.

Eating! Some of these nursing sessions can last hours and hours (ok, I'm exaggerating... a little) so I make sure I stock some easy to grab snacks near the nursing chair. I also try to pack up leftovers in single serve portions so that I'm not wasting precious moments wandering through the cabinets wondering what I can eat.

Take advantage of extra hands! Ask for help! Friends and family want to help but unless you tell them what you need they won't know how. If you feel weird asking friends to do housekeeping stuff ask them to hold the baby so you can shower, nap or put laundry in the dryer.

and now at 37 weeks....
What struck me rereading what I wrote is how many times I talked about showering. It was a rare thing in the early days. It was also a really intense time. It was a good day if I managed to get one non baby thing done. Mr. O is 8 months old now and thankfully it has gotten easier to find time to bathe! I've always been a be prepared for every scenario type of gal so for me the only way I've been able to survive this parenting solo thing is by being organized and planning ahead.

What stategies work for you?

Hot blooded

2010-10-22T00:01:00.004-04:00

Being sick is never fun but when it's just you there is only one thing you have to worry about - you. I'm the first to admit that I'm a big baby that whines to my Mommy whenever I'm sick. I want to curl up in my jammies and have someone bring me drinks and make me soup or toast. Usually I can convince my Mom to drive over and do those things but not always. Being sick and having to still worry about taking care of a baby is extra not fun. I felt like I got hit by a fast moving truck yesterday and was left a feverish puddle that could barely get out of bed. Lucky for me I started to feel icky around nap time so it was easy to convince Mr. O to chill out on the bed and go to sleep. Unlucky for me that my Mom was at my sister's house for the day so there wasn't going to be anyone to bring me anything or more importantly there wasn't going to be anyone else around to help take care of Mr. O. Once nap time was over the little guy needed to be changed and the diapers were all the way on the other side of the room. They might as well have been miles away because I could barely lift my head and had to crawl over to the changing table and back. Now that the baby was awake I had to stay semi conscious so that he didn't crawl off the bed or make friends with any electrical outlets. It was the longest 4 hours of my life. My Mom got home later that night and rescued the baby from having to hang out next to me in bed. Thank you, Mom! I know I'm lucky that I even had the option of having my Mom help out because so many of us don't have any back up. Doing this parenting thing solo is hard enough when we're feeling 100% and feels almost impossible when we're not. The only thing that gets me through is trying to stay a few steps ahead of disaster. I failed this crisis because once I started feeling sick it was already too late to rush out to the store and get fever reducers and juice. I should have had that stuff stocked up so that I could stay on top of the fever before it got too bad. Feeling better today and tomorrow I'm heading out to the store so I can refill the emergency sick supplies.

Sometimes you have to go home

2010-10-19T23:30:00.003-04:00

It's been busy around here the last few weeks! I moved back home to my Mom's so that I can save some money and it will also give me more time to find a job that gives me the flexibility I'm looking for so that I can spend most of Mr. O's awake time with him. There is very little that I hate more than moving and good golly moving with a baby is HARD! I hated having to keep him out of the way in his swing, play yard or someone else's arms just so I could get everything done. We both missed our routine and playtime. We're still in the middle of settling in and most of my stuff is sitting in a storage unit parked in the driveway until I can figure out where to put everything.

Mr. O is doing great! I still find it hard to believe that I grew this tiny human. He's really liking food but his true love is drinking out of a cup. The boy goes crazy for cups! We're taking it slow but having a great time trying out new foods. This week spinach got two thumbs up but oatmeal cereal was not a big hit. I'm working on a post with more details on how baby led weaning is working out for us. The boy is working hard on getting around and is pretty quick with the belly crawl. I think he'll be full on crawling any day now.

Baby gear I didn't know that I needed until I did

2010-09-16T22:35:00.013-04:00

Emery boards- baby fingers are so little and their tiny fingernails are really thin. I was so nervous about using nail clippers in the beginning! I stuck with baby emery boards for the first few weeks until I was brave enough to use the nail clippers. I wish I had packed some in the hospital bag because Mr. O was born with long nails and he scratched that perfect little face before the end of his first day. I still keep an emery board in the diaper bag just in case I have to file down a nail that snuck past inspection.

Mirror for the car seat - I hated not being able to see the baby while I was driving and holding up a compact make-up mirror only worked if I was the passenger. I started out with the kind of mirror that attaches to the car but that wasn't too helpful when we were in someone else's car. I returned the fancy expensive one that I had and bought the kind that attaches to the bucket for $10 and it is by far the best baby gear purchase I have made so far! It allows me to see the baby while I'm driving and interact with him via our mirrors, it entertains him while he's stuck in the bucket at the grocery store and now that he's older he likes to play with the spinning balls and talk to the baby in the mirror. I can only imagine what people are saying about that strange lady making goofy faces and bug eyes in her rear view mirror!

Night light - Before baby I would sleep in total darkness and even had to turn my alarm clock away from me because the lighted numbers were too bright. Once baby arrived I just couldn't relax unless I could see him clear enough to tell if he was breathing. The first few weeks I slept with my bedroom light on but it was too bright so I stepped down to a 25 watt table lamp and now I'm surviving with a tiny plug-in night light.

Night light part 2 - Driving at night was rough for both of us. He doesn't like the dark and is very vocal about letting everyone in a 5 mile radius know and I don't like not being able to see him. I tried using one of those tap lights but the light was distracting to me and it wasn't too baby friendly. I ended up finding the perfect light for us - a TykeLight Jr. LED light. It's safe for Mr. O to handle because it doesn't get hot and he likes to stick the arms in his mouth (because everything goes in his mouth these days!) and it gives off enough of a glow that he's calmer about the dark and I can see what he's up to but it isn't so bright that I'm distracted while driving.

Keeping baby out of the sun while out for walks - We went to Florida to visit my sister and the Mouse and I was worried about keeping the baby out of sun while we were walking around the parks. I used a clip-on umbrella and strategically placed receiving blankets and it did the job but it required constant vigilance to make sure that the make-shift contraption was positioned just right as the sun's rays shifted through out the day. It was after I got home that I discovered the perfect sun shade with bonus bug protection. Uppa baby makes a pop up bubble screen that fits over most car seat buckets. That combined with the clip-on umbrella (hey! It has a sock monkey print how could I not keep using it?!) kept Mr. O shaded and bug bite free all summer. I also like that it's easy to fold flat and doesn't take up a lot of room when not in use.

Anyone else have a few favorite baby gear finds that they didn't know they would need and/or love?

Baby stuff I just had to have but didn't really need

2010-09-16T00:56:00.005-04:00

Baby shoes:
Aren't those tiny little baby shoes the cutest things you've ever seen? How can you not buy them for your baby? Save your money! While I was pregnant I remember looking everywhere for just the right kind of fuzzy little booties that would keep my end of winter baby's tootsies warm. Well, he never wore them. He also never wore the dozen or so other too cute to pass up little shoes that found their way to my house. His feet were either covered up by his clothes or with socks. Once summer arrived his little toes were naked and available for quick nibbles and kisses. Shoes? Other than a photo op I never even considered putting them on him. Now that we're swing back to cooler weather and his feet are a little bigger I'm still sticking with socks. Ok, I did buy these too cute to pass up biker boots that I just had to have the other day to match his new fleece biker jacket. I need help!

Baby shorts:
I thought I would be dressing Mr. O in complete outfits everyday - even if we were staying home. Ummm, nope! Some days it was just too hot to wear anything more than a diaper and a onesie. I just packed away his summer stuff and I was a little sad to see just how many things he never wore.

Swaddling gear:
The Mir.ac.le Blanket seemed to be at the top of everyone's must have list for baby so of course I had to have them too. Those fancy swaddling contraptions with the velcro wings were all washed and ready to go before baby arrived and once he was here I used them exactly zero times. Mr. O was swaddled up nice and tight for the first few weeks and the receiving blankets we rescued from the hospital worked perfectly so I never busted out the Miracles. I wish I had waited to wash them so that I could have returned them.

1/2 Year

2010-08-26T00:07:00.004-04:00

6 months already! I truly can't believe it's been 6 months since I first held mr. itty bitty baby O. We're now zooming our way towards him being a year old and I find myself trying to push the brakes and slow this growing up train down. I finally started sorting through his clothes and packing away the NB sizes that barely fit his head never mind his body. It was a little sad and I'm going to miss a few of those outfits.

6 months in and there a few things that I wish I could go back and do differently. Mostly I wish I had done a better job of capturing and recording those little moments.

Blog more! either here or somewhere. I had started out keeping track of O's days in a notebook so that I could transfer it to a baby book, blog or journal type thing later on. The first 3 months are well recorded but after that I started slacking.

More photos! I don't take enough pictures of the baby. I have lots but there have been some weeks that I don't take a single photo. The horror! I really try to just enjoy and really be in the moments but I need to do a better job of getting in some "cheese" too.

Monthly photos! When I was pregnant I thought a lot about the monthly baby photo. Heck I was even planning on doing a daily photo! Should it be in the same chair? Next to the same stuffed animal or other object? at the same time of day? and on and on. Once O arrived I was so overwhelmed and just never settled on what I wanted to do so it never happened. Starting with this month I'm going to do something like this:

Coming up this week: Mr. O's first taste of real food! I'm going to skip the cereals and give Baby Led Weaning (BLW) a try. I'll let you know how it goes!

Wonderful Wizard of Headers and Announcements!

2010-07-15T00:50:00.003-04:00

I searched all over the internet for the perfect baby announcement. Wait, make that the perfect announcement that didn't cost more than a week's supply of diapers! I wasn't loving the cookie cutter photo announcement options at the usual photo sites. I took a tour around Et.sy and almost purchased some that were almost what I wanted when I remembered that there was plenty of talent right here in our own SMC backyard. Calliope from CreatingMotherhood! The wizard of awesome blog headers has mad photo skillz! I contacted her via her blog and asked if she would be willing to design my announcements and I was thrilled when she agreed (and think her talent is worth more than she charged). I told her that I was looking for something that used some of my favorite photos, had swoopy letters and was sort of Wiz.ard of O.zish. She whipped up some magic and Tah Dah they were perfect! I uploaded the file to a photo site and had them printed for less than a day's worth of diapers! My friends and family loved them and I love that I was able to support a fellow SMCer's art. If you're looking for some announcements or something similar drop her a note and see if she can help you out.

An afternoon with the grandparents

2010-07-10T22:40:00.005-04:00

Today I visited my grandmother and she was loving on Mr. O big time! He got lots and lots of kisses and coochie coochie coos from his Nana. She's going to be 86 in a few weeks and even though she's been slowing down these last few years Mr. O's tiny toes and giggles always perk her right up. We had a lovely afternoon and after we said our goodbyes and I pulled out of her street I found myself driving to see my other grandparents.

It had been a long time since I had been to visit so I had to drive up and down the tiny little lanes a few times. There were so many new additions and the small little saplings that I had in mind as landmarks had now grown taller than me.

I was about to give up and try again another day when I spotted my grandfather's headstone. I'm glad I found him first because while our relationship wasn't particularly a close one there were never any bad feelings. He was always happy to see me and the memories I do have of him are good ones. My father's father died when I was in college and I regret that I never made more of an effort to get to know who my grandfather was as a person. I took Mr. O out of the car and introduced him to his great grandfather. I told O a few stories about my V.o.Vo and took a photo to send to my Dad of his grandson meeting his father. Some might think that's odd but my Dad will love it.

My mother's parents are in the next row over and I wasn't sure I wanted to visit until I got to their headstone. My relationship with them is complicated and painful. My grandmother was a wonderful grandmother and I only ever felt extremely loved and cherished by her. She died when I was 13 and it was devastating. Years after her death I learned some things that really made me see her in a whole new way. I struggle with my feelings for the woman I knew as my beloved Gram and how I feel about her now that I know the truth about the woman who was my mother's mother. I told her that I didn't forgive her for not protecting her babies from her husband but that I also remember how much she loved me. I told her I was there to honor that love and I introduced her to my son. Even with all of my conflicting feelings of love, loss, anger and disappointment it was a really powerful moment for me. Oh, and I cried. I cried because just for a moment I let go of the anger and hate and I just missed my Gram and I wish she was here to snuggle my baby and love on him. Poor Mr. O's head was soaked. I then promised my boy that I would always keep him safe and that no one would ever hurt him if I had a breath left in my body. I told her that is what a mother is supposed to do and said my goodbyes.

Are those my toes?

2010-07-01T22:25:00.003-04:00

Mr. O turned 4 months old last week and he's been racking up the firsts ever since. He learns a new trick just about every day.

He rolled over from his back to his front. It's funny and sad because he puts so much effort in to the rolling over and then gets so mad when he finds himself on his belly. This new skill of course means that I have to be more careful about where he hangs out because he no longer just stays where I put him.

His Gram was teaching him how to blow raspberries the other day. He will do his version of it back if you do it first.

He will hold his foot during diaper changes or if I hold up his leg for him to grab it. He's not really sure what to do with it yet but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he tries to shove those toes in mouth.

Baby boy has gotten really nosy! In the last few days he will get distracted while nursing. Up until now nothing could disturb him while he was eating. He will pop off and take a look around if he hears a new noise or is just curious about a shadow.

It's only been 4 months but he's already changed so much from that teeny tiny little love bug. It really does go by very quickly. Too quickly!

Bloggy thoughts

2010-06-25T22:59:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking about the blog lately and trying to decide what I want to say in this space. I currently have 3 or 4 posts sitting unpublished in the draft folder because I've gotten stuck on what is my story to tell and what parts belong to Mr. O. I thought about starting a new blog that would be all about the day to day with baby and keep this space to talk about non baby but still SMC type things. Then I realized how crazy that would be because I barely have time for one blog never mind keeping two updated and on topic.

Then today I had a light bulb moment....

The problem isn't who the story parts belong to it's the fact that more open I am about the day to day stuff the greater the risk that my barely secret identity would unravel. I want to be more open but I don't want my family tripping over the internet on their way to face.bo.ok and finding my blog. I don't talk about them much over here but I decided to look over older posts and edit out any parts that would cause a family drama fest and then get on with the posting.

In other news Mr. O is 4 months old as of yesterday! How does that happen?!

One year of you

2010-06-09T20:51:00.004-04:00

Birthdays are how folks usually acknowledge their time on earth but today feels like an extra special day that should be celebrated too because one year ago today my Mr. O began. My sweet baby boy has existed for exactly one year and I have been his mom for exactly one year (it would be another 11 days before I knew he was in there). All babies are amazing little miracles but it just blows my mind that in that instant of egg meeting sperm my boy was created and so much of who he is and will become started in that moment. There won't be presents and cake but I can't imagine not marking this day in some way each year. Tonight his bedtime story was all about how he came to be. I'm still struggling with what language to use (donor, sperm, man in a can, nice person who helped make you...) but I know that with practice it will get easier and I'll find the words that will work for us.

mmmm, pie

2010-06-08T22:16:00.007-04:00

A few weeks ago I celebrated the last birthday of my 30's.

My birthday weekend was low key and wonderful. Saturday was spent doing some outlet shopping in Maine, O getting his first look at the ocean and eating chocolate chip cookie dough pie(me not O). I make the drive up to this particular diner every year for my birthday just for the pie... and yes it is every bit as delicious as it looks (I blogged about this pie last year and probably said the same thing)!

On my actual birthday it was the sweetest thing to just wake up and see my baby smiling at me. Every year for quite a few years now I've wished for a baby while blowing out my birthday candles this year with O on my lap I couldn't think of a thing to wish for in that moment. (Not sure if I'll leave this photo up but for now here I am just before blowing out the candle)

May was a pretty busy month that started and ended with trips that required flying. I'll write more about that later but tomorrow I have a special post coming to celebrate a first anniversary/birthday of sorts. In fact I have a few posts brewing and some even written in draft form so there just might be a posting frenzy over here in the coming days - that is of course if baby gifts me with a nap or two that last longer than 15 minutes.

Ouchie

2010-04-21T01:56:00.004-04:00

O's 2 month check up was yesterday and sadly he also had to get his shots. Poor little thing :(
I nursed him during the ordeal and I'm glad I did (even if the nurse gave me a look like 'what the heck are you doing') because I think it helped him calm down faster. After each of the three shots he unlatched and turned so red he was almost purple and screamed so loud I think only dogs could hear it. I got him latched back on real quick each time and he settled down but his breathing had that heartbreaking little hitch to it. I felt horrible because he has no idea that those shots are good for him he just knows that I let someone stick sharp hurty needles in his leg. I don't think he's holding a grudge because he still wanted to cuddle and was giving me smiles once we got out of there. The little guy was pretty much crashed out for the rest of the day and it was odd to have so much downtime all together. Of course I wasted it by watching him sleep and goofing around online.

O has almost outgrown the newborn sizes so today I added 0-3 month sizes to his fashion rotation. That also meant that I had to do 3 loads of laundry. Holy smokes this kid has way too many clothes! You would think that would stop me from buying more but no it doesn't.

Time speeds by

2010-04-14T01:34:00.003-04:00

I've been putting off updating because I've had so much to say and it's overwhelming to think about writing all of it down. I have been reading and trying to comment and I'm so excited to have found so many new SMC blogs lately!

New plan is to just jump in and start with today.... here goes!

Today Mr. O will be 7 weeks old. Holy cow! It has gone by so very fast. The minute he was born I was aware of time passing and how I would never have these moments again. He was already growing and learning and before I know it he'll be going away to college.

I had my 6 week check-up with my Dr. last week and she asked when I was having another baby. My answer was how long do I have to wait?! She said that everything looked good during the c-section so as long as it's been at least a year between deliveries I should be fine. Am I really already thinking about doing this again? Absolutely! I was miserably sick during most of my pregnancy. I was so sick that I lost 80+ lbs while pregnant (no worries I had extra cushion) and I'm still willing to do it all again.

The first 5 weeks was full of lots and lots of family - overnight guests and folks stopping by. It was nice having them here but it was tough not having 5 minutes to myself! My mom was a huge help and she took care of the household stuff so I could concentrate on taking care of the baby and myself. It was also great to have someone to pass the baby off to when I needed to shower. When she went home after 5 weeks I missed her. Mom lives close enough that she comes over for a night or two every week. Most of her help is playing taxi for my sister who doesn't drive so I don't have to drag the baby out on those days.

Owie doesn't really have much of a set schedule yet other than refusing to sleep and wanting to nurse constantly every evening from dinner time until about midnight. The boy loves to suck! Breastfeeding has been going really well and I know how lucky I am that it's been problem free (let's hope I didn't just jinx myself). The only trouble is how to feed him when we're out in public. I'm not really a big fan of whipping out a boob in a restaurant or bookstore so I haven't attempted any long trips outside of the house.

So far he seems like a pretty serious baby but he's been smiling big toothy grins for about two weeks and they melt me in to a big mooshy pile of goo every time he does it.

Introducing...

2010-03-11T22:25:00.006-05:00

Baby O gets his middle J name from his grandfather and great grandfather and his A name from another great grandfather. I really wanted his names to be connected to family. I was updating my online family tree earlier tonight and discovered that O also shares his first name with a 5 greats back grandfather.

I put his name on an image to try and keep us unsearchable. I'm still trying to decide on his blog name so for now I'll stick with O.

2 weeks in and I'm still all blissed out just looking at him... even last night when he woke up every 45 - 90 minutes!

Tomorrow brings another wave of visiting family. My dad and sister will be staying for 10 days getting to know the little guy. I'm half way through the birth story and hope to have that up soon.

One week...

2010-03-03T22:30:00.002-05:00

One week without needing a single Tu.ms.
One week without vomiting.

One week with my sweet baby boy!

Baby arrived last Wednesday morning and is just a (sweet) dream come true. It could be the major hormones crashing around in my body but everytime I look at him I get all teary eyed goofy because he is just so perfect and wonderful. I apologize that this is a drive-by update but I wanted to get at least this out there to all of you while I have 5 minutes to myself. My mom is here helping out for a few weeks while I recover from the c-section and it's been tough to sneak away and update the secret blog. I really do have a longer one with details and a photo in the works.... and Mom just wandered by wondering who I'm emailing.

One month from now

2010-01-24T23:38:00.002-05:00

C-section is scheduled and exactly one month from now I will have met my son on the outside. Baby prep is moving along but I still have quite a bit left to do. Car seat and co-sleeper have been purchased and are just waiting to be put together or installed. My baby shower was last weekend and it was a very nice afternoon. I got lots and lots of clothes and most likely won't have to purchase any for quite some time! My only regret is that it all went by so fast and I didn't get any photos with my mom or other special folks.

I've been a mostly absent blogger during this journey and I wish that I had updated more often. I'm going to try and do a better job in the next few weeks - especially now that I've been feeling mostly ok.

Making room for baby

2009-12-10T22:21:00.003-05:00

Hospital tour was the other night and it really made things click in the "OMG, this is really happening" way. I wasn't planning on the tour but I'm glad I went because it helped to get a feel for the place and I really like how their policies encourage baby staying with mom as much as possible. I was worried that they would be taking him to the nursery while I was recovering from the surgery but they said that as long as everything is ok he can stay with me.

Oh yeah.... did I mention that baby is a BOY! Even though I had been hoping for a girl in the beginning when they told me that he was a he I was thrilled. I'm still trying to decide on a name because I don't really have any that I just LOVE. It's so much easier to name pets.

I'm feeling pretty good overall even though my guts are starting to feel pretty smooshed and the heartburn is killer.

27 down and 13 to go

2009-12-01T14:08:00.002-05:00

27 weeks today and I can't believe how quickly time is flying!
I've finally had some relief from the nausea and throwing up- Woo HOO! I've been taking an acid reducer for the last 3 weeks and it has made all the difference. I even gained a few lbs for the first time at my dr appt. last week.

Baby prep is going a lot slower then I would like but I'm still so undecided on things like car seats, swings, bouncers and diapers. I want to use cloth but I have no idea how to start. I'll be sharing my room with the little one so I have to get my butt moving on clearing out some space. The crib will be here soon and I have some furniture to move around and cleaning to do. Fun stuff!

This and that and just starting somewhere

2009-11-05T18:56:00.004-05:00

Gosh, it's been awhile.

I've thought about posting more but would then get overwhelmed with how much catching up there was to do. I've been spending lots of time laying down and hoping that my lunch/dinner/snack was going to stay put.

* Just about 23 1/2 weeks and the nausea and throwing up has just started to get better in the last week or so. I'm finally having more good days than bad days.
The only upside is that because of all the weight I lost my pants still fit.

* I've been feeling lots of movement on the inside and to be honest it's kind of cool and more than a little freaky. I'm looking forward to being able to feel those kicks on the outside.

* If you know that I'm pregnant then you can tell that I'm showing. If you don't know than I don't think you can tell.

* I started the baby registry last week and good golly is it overwhelming! I still have to do some research on the bigger purchases like car seat, stroller, play yard, swing.

* My shower is turning in to a huge drama fest and honestly I don't even want one now. (the drama is worthy of it's own post that I'll be writing later).

Short today but longer tomorrow

2009-11-01T23:47:00.000-05:00

I love November because so many bloggers participate in NaBloPoMo and that means lots and lots of updates! I'm not sure if I can keep up with posting every day this month but I'll give it a go.

I'm going to keep it short tonight because I'm getting sleepy but I promise to have more to say tomorrow.

September already?

2009-09-04T13:06:00.002-04:00

I keep putting off posting anything because for the last few weeks all I had were complaints. The nausea has been miserable. This kid doesn't seem to like food, beverages or being hungry. I think I've lost 20 lbs (no worries - there was plenty of cushion to start with). I keep hoping that it will get better soon. Please get better soon.

The NT scan went well and my results came back in an acceptable range. My next big scan is scheduled for the beginning of Oct and I'm hoping that I'll find out if this little one is a boy or a girl. I'm hoping that it's a girl but of course I'll be just as thrilled if it's a boy.

Sorry lemonade it's over

2009-08-17T13:45:00.003-04:00

I've broken things off with lemonade. My new passion is orange-orange Vit.am.in Wat.er. The last 3 weeks I've pretty much been nauseous all day long. Not fun.
I've been feeling better the last few days so fingers crossed that I'm over the worst of it. I find that the nausea is much worse if I let myself get hungry so I've been trying to eat something every 2-3 hours. Yum, saltines at 3am

Big week of happenings around here because tomorrow makes 12 weeks and I have my first appt with the doctor. Friday is the big NT scan and I can't wait to see what this little one is up to in there.

Meet my new best friend...

2009-07-28T20:54:00.002-04:00

Lemonade! I'm loving lemonade. It might just be a coincidence (and I hate to say it out loud) but I haven't felt nauseous since I started drinking it yesterday. It's been nice to have a break from the constant icky feeling. Summer has finally found the Northeast and honestly I'm not really a fan. I was kind of liking the rain and cool temperatures.

I'm 9 weeks today and I'm surprised to find that I'm not really feeling as connected as I thought I would be. The family is very excited and talking about names, baby showers and fighting over who will be the first to hold the baby. I'm still feeling very much in limbo and can't think that far ahead. I'm hoping that I'll be feeling more confident once I can check out the heartbeat on a doppler in a few weeks.

8w 3d the week of the nap

2009-07-24T23:20:00.002-04:00

I've been meaning to update here but the call of the nap has been so strong lately.

I was complaining before that I wasn't feeling any different. Yeah, not so much anymore. I start to feel nauseous after lunch and can barely eat dinner because I'm afraid of seeing it again. I start feeling less crappy around 9 and I'm conked out and snoozing by 11:30. Today was a great day. I napped from lunch time until dinner time. I know that it could be much much worse so I'm not complaining.

I had my first pregnant lady dr appt the other day and holy saltine crackers was it a giant waste of time! I had to fill out the medical history forms and meet with the nurse. She gave me some pamphlets and told me that I should stay hydrated and avoid alcohol and smoking. That took over an hour. My first appt with the actual doctor is in a few weeks. I hope that one is a little more interesting.

I mentioned to my mom and sister that I plan on using cloth diapers and now they are making me a little nuts. Mom is all about wanting to make some and also trying to convince me that disposable will be so much easier. Sister is all about researching online so she can tell me that there really is no difference. Anyone know of any good cloth diapering resources so I can be the expert on my choice?

Exhale

2009-07-15T10:59:00.002-04:00

I was so nervous leading up to the scan yesterday. I was pretty much convinced that they wouldn't be able to find anything. I was wrong. I saw a tiny little baby with a perfect little flicker of a heartbeat. I felt my whole body relax the moment that I saw it. I feel so much lighter and hopeful. It's still early and bad things can still happen but I'm daring to hope and dream.

I graduated from the RE and my first prenatal appt is in a month.

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2009-07-12T20:24:00.002-04:00

Today was a lovely day. No rain! The rain finally took a break!
Woke up early and took the nephew and my sister to this giant outdoor flea market. I was about a mile from snack shack when I realized that I had to eat something NOW. RIGHT. NOW! Once I got there nothing smelled too appealing so I settled for a barely heated pizza tile. Where was the fried dough? Someone would make a killing if they set up a fried dough booth. I wandered and looked but nothing called out to me begging to be brought home. Nobody had better junk than the junk I have spilling out my closets at home. It was nice to be out in the sunshine and walking around.

Still having those lightbulb moments when I remember that I'm pregnant. It's not an every single second reality just yet. I've had a few close calls with nausea but not overwhelming. I hope it stays this mild and I'm glad that I'm starting to feel sick. How goofy is that? Ultrasound on Tuesday and I'm so freaking nervous!

6 weeks

2009-07-06T23:57:00.000-04:00

6 weeks tomorrow and I feel like I'm living in limbo. I don't really feel all that different. A little bit crampy every now and then and my boobs have only been sore a handful of days. I expect to see red just about every time I go to the bathroom and I'm constantly relieved that I haven't seen any. I've been thinking it was all a dream and that maybe I'm not really pregnant. My first ultrasound is next week and I'm hoping that I'll feel more confident about this sticking once I get a peek at the little one.

I have only told my mother, sisters and my cousin. I'm trying to decide when I want to start telling close friends and family. I would love to tell my dad in person because I think it will be highly amusing to see the shock on his face. He lives far away and I don't think I'll be flying down for a visit anytime soon so I'll have to settle for telling him over the phone. I can't decide if I want to tell him now or after next weeks scan.

On the mom front I have a bit of venting that I need to do. My mother is making me a little crazy with her excitement. She has quite the list of demands and if I'm annoyed now I just know that it can only get worse. She is insisting that she is going to all appointments and ultrasounds, wants to be in the delivery room, keeps referring to the baby as 'my baby' and doesn't like when I correct her and say 'No, it's mine', has declared that she will be the second person to hold the baby after me (I know she wants to be first and is planning on grabbing the kid before I get a chance), has been asking me every 5 minutes how I'm feeling and even had the nerve to blame my cranky attitude on hormones! Honestly, I know that I'm lucky that my mother is so supportive and excited but she's going a bit overboard. I had really wanted to go to my first ultrasound by myself and have that first look at the baby to be just me. I wanted to just take it all in and not have to listen to my mother's shrieks of joy. I wanted my moment to be about me. My mom is pretty loud and isn't one to sit in the background and not let it be about her.

I already let her know that she's not going to be in the delivery room because I'm having a csection and my sister won the prize spot because she's the only one I can trust to take decent photos. She's already proven to be up to the task because when she had her son via csection a few years ago the nurse held him up for her to see and she snapped his photo before even holding him. It's the best photo of my nephew from that day!

The answer isn't as easy as just telling her that I don't want her there or that she needs to back off. My mom is the queen of guilt trips and the pouting and drama would be more awful than just putting up with her overwhelming excitement. I have to pick my battles wisely. I am planning on telling her that she will not be coming to doctor appts and try to be as vague as possible about future ultrasounds.

Results are in

2009-06-26T15:37:00.002-04:00

279!

I'm so relieved! Ultrasound is in 2 weeks.

(nifty chart from http://babymed.com/tools/pregnancy/hcg)

Tomorrow is going to be a long day

2009-06-26T00:37:00.003-04:00

Beta #2 is tomorrow morning and I'm really worried. I wish I could go back to the good old days when I thought a positive hpt = baby. My first # of 69 seems lowish to me and I'm hoping so hard that the number tomorrow is high enough to ease some of this worry.

I'll know either way in 12ish hours.

Roller Coaster Day

2009-06-23T22:09:00.003-04:00

My beta was this morning and I was cramping up with all the crossing of everything over the last few days. Since Saturday I have peed on 4 hpts and I gotta say the digital was my absolute favorite. Seeing the word 'Pregnant' is really much more exciting than staring at lines and trying to determine how dark or light they are. I was so nervous about the beta results because I really didn't want a repeat of last time.

Once the blood was drawn I was determined to spend the day as a happy hopeful pregnant lady. I didn't want to waste a moment just in case they were the only moments that I would get. As a SMC I don't have a partner to surprise with my news in a cutesy way and there is no one else who is as invested in the outcome as me. No one that is except my mother. I wanted to tell her while it was happy news and not later when I might be a sobbing with sadness mess. I stopped by the hospital gift shop and purchased a proud grandma button and drove to my mother's house. I called ahead to let her know that I was on my way and that I wanted to go out for breakfast. I wanted to make sure that she was up and dressed because my plan was to take her photo at the moment she realized that her third grandbaby was on the way. Mom didn't exactly co-operate because as soon as I arrived she was in a rush to get out the door and I had to call her back from the driveway. I handed her the pin and at first she wasn't too impressed with my lame offering. I'm thrilled to say that watching her face register what I was telling her was the wonderfully perfect moment that I was hoping for.

She'll kill me if she ever finds out I posted these here but I just have to!

I love the one in the middle because it's the moment that my news sunk in. A few minutes later we were in the car and my mother had to pull over because she was crying. Crying because she was so happy. The day was spent talking about happy baby plans and every moment was beautiful. My mother knew without me having to tell her that I needed to focus on the dream and put aside the fears of another miscarriage and worries over beta numbers. The results call was going to come soon enough. She makes me crazy most of the time but when it matters most she gets it right.

My beta is 69 and I go for the next one Friday morning. I was hoping for at least 100 but 69 will have to do. Stick around little one because your Gram has big plans for you.

100th post

2009-06-22T14:31:00.004-04:00

I've been aware of the post count ticking up towards 100 for a few weeks and was trying to come up with something 100 worthy to post about. Last week I thought it would be great if 100 was all about announcing a pregnancy but that isn't what I want to say now. This first 100 has been about my journey to discover my true path and finding a community of friends along the way.

I started blogging about my SMC journey 3 years ago in June of 2006. I had just turned 35 and really thought that my journey to a baby would be a short one. When I wrote those first words "Journey Begins" I was trying to come to terms with not having the dream. I was struggling with the idea that my life hadn't followed the expected traditional path of meeting a great guy, falling in love, getting married and having lots of cute babies. I didn't update all the often in the beginning because even though I was taking baby steps towards becoming a SMC I was still holding out hope that Plan B wouldn't be my path to motherhood.
2007 was about leaving things to chance and secretly hoping that those times that I was less than careful would make the decision for me. It was also about coming to terms with my fertility and beginning to accept that being a SMC wasn't settling but that instead trying to turn a casual relationship in to something more would have been settling for something less than I deserved. 2008 is when I finally started to feel truly comfortable with my decision and the fact that it is simply how I was meant to create my family. It was also the year that I started making connections with other folks out in Blogland and I'm so grateful to all of my bloggy friends! All of you are such an unexpected gift.

I can't wait to see where I've landed after the next 100 posts!

Am I seeing things?

2009-06-20T18:30:00.003-04:00

11 dpiui and I've been moping around all day because I've been convinced that this cycle was a bust. I haven't felt one teeny tiny thing that could be mistaken for a symptom. My boobs are only sore because I keep poking them to see if they are sore. I was planning on maybe testing tomorrow, Monday or even skipping it all together and save the tests for next time. I don't know why but I caved as soon as I had the house to myself tonight and O.M.G!

I think I see a line...
Does anyone else see it?

Not the lines I was looking for

2009-06-17T13:52:00.002-04:00

8 days down. This wait is just as frustrating as all the others. I spend lots of time straining every cell in my brain listening to my body and trying to detect even a hint of a clue. Last night I was convinced that I was pregnant. Today? Today I'm leaning towards no. A few more days until it starts all over again.

While staring in the mirror last night trying to decide if my boobs had more pronounced veins than usual I also noticed that I have more laugh lines around my eyes. I think I also might be losing the gray hair battle. I have very dark hair so the white hair SCREAMS look at me! look at me! I've been hunting them down and plucking them out but lately my arm gets tired before I can get to them all. I love the color of my hair and I'm sad that it's almost time to start coloring it and worrying about roots every few weeks. I'm going to straight out faint when I find a white hair somewhere other than on my head! I so wish I had starting this family building years ago. I want my kid to remember my real hair color and not the box color.

I recognized your socks

2009-06-12T00:44:00.002-04:00

My IUIs are usually on weekends so it's not too often that I see anyone else in the waiting room. When I arrived on Tuesday there was another woman waiting and I knew right away that she was one of us. I recognized her by her socks. Funky purple stripes could only be one thing... Lucky Socks. She was called back first and got the room I've had for my other tries. I was happy about the change in scenery and hope that it turns out to be lucky. The nurse told me that Lucky Socks was also on IUI #4 and she hoped that 4 turned out to be the magic number. I had always thought it was 3 but I guess the song was wrong.

The nurse didn't give me the numbers but she said that my swimmers were only fair this time but I'm not going to worry about it because I only need one to find it's way. They were also only fair the cycle that I had the chemical.

Let's hope the early bird catches something other than a worm

2009-06-08T22:06:00.002-04:00

Busy, busy weekend around here! My sister flew up for the weekend with my little nephew because of the older nephew's birthday. I got my fill of little nephew hugs and kisses. I wish they lived closer!

CD12 and I got a surprise early smiley on the OPK. I think it's time to stop expecting the usual because it seems like every month something goofy is going on with my cycles. I almost didn't test today but the buckets full of CM prompted me to pee on a stick. Good thing or I would have missed the surge. The nurse at the clinic was a little annoyed with me because I called right before they closed and the finance folks will have to process my payment tomorrow. I got a bit of a lecture about their cut off times but luckily for me she's willing to do the IUI before the payment is officially posted. Fingers crossed that the 4th time is a charm!

...37

2009-05-28T00:37:00.003-04:00

Guess who showed up early? This morning kicked off with some brown spotting that had me thinking it was a good thing. Nope, not so much because by lunchtime it was red. Looks like it's CD1 of #37.

36

2009-05-27T00:29:00.005-04:00

I was feeling hopeful yesterday but today I'm convinced that this cycle wasn't the one.

Today I realized that this is my 36th cycle of charting and hoping for a baby. 36 cycles of waiting. I had first considered becoming a SMC in my early 30's but I still had lots of hope that I had plenty of time to do this the old fashion way. I told myself that if I hadn't found Mr. Right by the time I was 35 I would revisit the idea of becoming a SMC. Three years ago I turned 35 and it was time to face the fact that the casual relationship I was involved in was never going to go anywhere. I spent that summer temping, charting, thinking and reading what little information there was available online about becoming a SMC. Unfortunately, 36 cycles ago there weren't too many women sharing in online forums or blogging about this choice. If there were I certainly couldn't find them and I looked high and low. Those first 12 cycles I was still holding on to the dream and hoping like hell that becoming a SMC wasn't going to be a choice I would have to make. I would have been thrilled if one of those less than careful cycles had saved me from having to make that choice.

I had no idea during those first 12 cycles that I had a fertility busting fib.roid and looking back now I'm grateful to that fib.roid because it saved me from the disaster that could have resulted from one of those less than careful cycles. That fertility busting fib.roid is also responsible for the kick in the pants I needed to make the decision to become a SMC and to be comfortable that it is the right choice for me. Nothing like being faced with the possibility of never being able to have children to put your heart's true desire in crystal clear focus. 36 cycles later and other than wishing it wasn't taking so long I wish I had started this journey sooner.

Another ring around the tree

2009-05-26T00:30:00.007-04:00

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

The celebration of me started the same way it does every year - My Mom calls at my exact time of birth to wish me a happy birthday. When I was in school she would either call the school, have something delivered or stop by at that time. It used to annoy me since it's earlier than I like to be awake (especially during the college years) until I thought she had forgot one year and I realized how much I look forward to it. I called her in tears but she hadn't forgotten she had just decided to be nice that one time and let me sleep in. She won't do that again! The day continued when I met up with Mom and we made the drive to Maine for lunch, shopping and visiting my great aunt. We had a really nice day. That chocolate chip cookie dough pie I was looking forward to... OMG, YUM!

See for yourself:

Trust me it was every bit as delicious as it looks!
I had one piece at the diner and brought this one home with me.

The rest of the weekend was spent cleaning out my closets and putting some clothes I have never worn on e.b.ay.

The TWW is almost over and I have resisted testing so far (not so much resisted as didn't have any tests in the house and the dollar store was all out so I would have to pay 4X as much). I hate mentioning potential symptoms because if I get a BFN the obsessing just makes me feel like a chucklehead. Ok, who am I kidding! The whole reason I have a blog is so that I can obsess over these things!
Today I'm 9dpiui and I have felt a few things that make me feel a little bit hopeful. Starting last night I've felt a little nauseous a few times and there has also been some boob twinges and little darts of pain on and off today. I also got a bit weepy this afternoon over something very lame. Could be nothing could be something.

Baby, it's not cold outside

2009-05-21T23:44:00.004-04:00

90ish degrees today and I'm not really loving it. I still have to drag the summer clothes out of storage and hope that they still fit. I'm not too hopeful. I miss snow and sweaters and cozy blankets.

5 days checked off in this TWW and I'm already getting anxious to just KNOW either way. I want to move on from the trying and finally get to the other side of the pee stick. I'm so ready and it's so frustrating to be spinning my wheels.

My birthday is this weekend and I'm planning on going to Maine for the day. There is a diner there that has a chocolate chip cookie dough pie that is soooo good I'm willing to drive 2 hours for it. My Mom is coming along too so it should be a nice day. I feel kind of bad for not telling her about the miscarriage. She doesn't know that I've been trying and she was out of town when it happened. It seemed kind of mean to tell her once she got back and I really didn't want to talk about it anyway. I would rather her not find that I didn't put my TTC plans on hold until I have good news to tell her. She's going to be very upset with me for not telling her when/if she ever finds out. I hope baby plans don't come up this weekend.

IUI.3 Done

2009-05-16T19:42:00.003-04:00

I was updating my fer.tility fri.end chart and realized that today is only CD 14. I got my positive opk a day or two earlier than usual. IUI.3 is done and beta is scheduled for 5/29. The nurse said that my swimmers looked good and there was lots of fertile CM. Holy Cow do I have lots of CM! I wore the same shamrock socks as last time since they did manage to do their job. I just need to find lucky implantation socks since that's where things went wrong last time.

Knitting project for this TWW is a little pumpkin hat. I finally got the hang of purl so I'm rocking the stockinette stitch and will be taking decreasing for a spin. My local chain craft store is putting in a new yarn department so they had clearanced a bunch of product to make room. I couldn't' resist .99 cashmere blends, orange wool, baby blue mohair blend and some fuzzy pink skeins. I went a little crazy since the stuff is usually $7 each. I just can't resist a bargain! Now I just have to figure out what to do with the it all!

Round 3

2009-05-16T01:34:00.002-04:00

I used my last OPK today and got a positive. I hope I don't have to buy anymore of those things.
IUI.3 is tomorrow morning.

My birthday is later this month and I think it would be super fantastic if I got a BFP for my birthday.

Spark's blanket

2009-05-01T00:22:00.002-04:00

I gave up looking for a positive OPK last week and decided to just wait until next cycle.

I'm hoping that CD1 is just around the corner because I'm anxious to get back in the game.

I'm also a little bit glad for the extra not trying time because I'm hoping to finish the blanket I'm working on before my cycle starts. I started knitting a baby blanket during IUI #1 and lost a bunch of stitches a few inches in just as I got confirmation that I wasn't pregnant. I started the blanket over at the beginning of cycle #2 and it was while I was knitting it that I got my first hint that I was pregnant. I could actually feel the yarn brushing past my nipples through the sweatshirt that I was wearing as I knit each stitch. I would also lay my work in progress across my belly and ask the baby how she liked her blanket. This blanket belongs to my first spark of hope and someday her brother or sister will use it too. I have a few more rows to go before it's finished but here is a sneak peek

I'm buying OPK stock

2009-04-20T14:05:00.004-04:00

60 bucks worth of OPKs and I think the compare the line test is positive. The reason I'm not sure is that the control line ink is pretty light. The first digital said no and the second said error.

I'm off to the store to buy yet another test kit and will try again in a few hours.

I think I might be cranky

2009-04-20T00:11:00.002-04:00

I just can't decide what I want to talk about. I wanted to post something but I just can't decide what I want to talk about.

I thought I was doing ok dealing with the miscarriage but there have been a few tough moments. Last week I found myself choking back tears when I thought my younger cousin was pregnant again (nope, just put on some weight). I was also all annoyed last night when an old high school friend was all excited to announce to everyone at a little mini reunion that her and the husband were going to start trying. I just know she's going to be one of those people who gets pregnant on the first try.

This cycle is doing it's best to test my patience. I hate odd cycles. It's CD 16 and I'm still waiting for a positive OPK. Lots of CM going on and sort of crampish. I'm worried that my OPKs are duds or that I missed/going to miss ovulation. It's the cramping that concerns me the most because I usually feel them for a few hours the night before ovulation but I think they are more intense than what I have now. It's after midnight and I'm considering testing again. I think I've officially lost my mind!

34 hours

2009-04-04T23:34:00.004-04:00

I started bleeding today. The cramping is more intense than usual and a few of them have had me doubling over in pain. I'm sad but mostly ok. I knew that this was the most likely outcome. I still need to go for another beta on Monday to make sure that my hCG level has returned to 0.
I hated the untelling. I struggled to find the right words because once I said it out loud it would be true. Not this time was enough for one of them the other needed to hear miscarriage. Is that how I now have to answer the "have you ever been pregnant" question from doctors? Will filling in a new patient medical history form be the only weight that my spark will have? I'm thinking that I might want something else to give those 34 hours of hope some weight. Something small that I can see or touch. What that will be hasn't come to me yet but it will.

Spark

2009-04-03T12:12:00.003-04:00

I am for the moment pregnant. Unfortunately, that has to be quickly followed by the fact that the number was very low for 14dpo and the odds really aren't on my side. I know the likely outcome. I was napping when the nurse called to tell me the results and even though her words weren't very positive all my heart heard was hope. I've decided to embrace this little spark of hope because at this moment I'm pregnant. This spark of life exists. This is as close as I have ever gotten and it very well may be as close as I ever get. This little spark is my little spark.

Thank you for all the comments yesterday. They do help. Fat Chick- thank you for that link to the beta site. I spent some time reading their message boards and not all low betas end in disaster.

I went back and forth on whether or not I should tell anyone and in the end I decided that I did want someone else to know that my sparky existed. I wanted to be able to talk about it. I called my cousin first and she was so sweet. My sisters were next and that was comical. I live with one of them and the other is out of state. I had my sister come in my room as I called the other one on the phone so I could tell them at the same time. I explained my news and the sister on the phone said "I thought you weren't still doing that" "at least now you know you can get pregnant" the sister in front of me didn't believe me and kept saying I was a day late for jokes. I'm glad I called my cousin first. Once they got over their shock they managed to be more supportive.

So, um... results are in

2009-04-02T14:13:00.003-04:00

I guess I'm sort of but maybe not pregnant.
Beta came back as an 11 which is pretty low. The nurse thinks that it is either a chemical or very late implantation. Second beta is scheduled for Monday.

I'm not sure how I feel right now because I think I'm still shocked that it sort of but didn't work.

Just waiting for the fat lady to finish warming up and start singing

2009-04-02T01:19:00.002-04:00

BFN today and my beta is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I was hoping that I would see some blood today so I wouldn't have to waste my time getting blood drawn but no such luck. I'm going to be extra aggravated if I get up before the sun in order to be at the lab by 7am only to then get home and have AF arrive.

10 dpiui

2009-03-30T00:46:00.006-04:00

I'm not sure I'm feeling it this cycle but I think that's mostly because I don't think it will ever happen. Not in a I'm so sad way but more of it hasn't happened yet and that's all I know way. I did start testing on Friday and so far not even a hint of anything other than BFNs. I know it's too early but since I don't find the negatives to be depressing this early and I would much rather know as soon as possible I don't mind wasting a few dollar store tests.

I've had a few possible symptoms that have caught my attention. I usually let my nephew visit the pet store after we go grocery shopping so he can check out the cute little critters and see if they have any new hamster toys for our caged friend. Today I had to leave after a few minutes and get some fresh air because it smelled too pet-ish and it was making me nauseous. I also winced a bit when I took my bra off tonight because it hurt when the fabric brushed my nipples. It's most likely nothing but I wanted to note it just in case.

The baby blanket I had to restart a few weeks ago because I dropped a whole mess of stitches off the needle is coming along nicely and I'm liking it better than I thought I would when I first started. I'm still not in love with the celery green color but maybe it will grow on me.

If this cycle doesn't work I'll have to purchase some more of my MIC (man in a can) and I'm trying to figure out if I have enough cash or if I have to take a short break. I really wanted to get my six out of pocket tries out of the way as quickly as possible (insurance kicks in after 6 attempts) and after all the other delays I just really don't want to take another break. It will be tight but I'm really leaning towards cutting lots of corners in the budget and sperming up next month. If it works I'll still have a shot at delivering in 2009 and the tax break will be most welcome.

One week down

2009-03-26T11:51:00.003-04:00

So I'm one week in and I have at most one week to go. The first 7 days haven't been too bad on the 'making myself crazy scale' but I can feel some crazy ramping up for the next half of this TWW. I've been trying so hard to Just.Not. Think. About. It. but I do have some random moments of ... is that menstrual-ish cramping anything? Does my urine smell stronger? Am I feeling a bit sea sick? Can boobs cramp or am I imagining those twinges? Mostly I about think how much I really want it to work this time.

Another Wait Begins

2009-03-22T23:59:00.004-04:00

IUI.2 on Thursday went well. Same as last time - good motility and lots of CM. Unlike last time I did have some cramping about an hour later but it wasn't too bad. The first few days of a TWW is always the easiest because I'm not obsessing or imagining potential pregnancy symptoms. It's day 6 or 7 that I start to get a little crazy. BETA is scheduled for 4/2 if I make it that far.

I met some friends out for drinks Saturday night and drank ginger ale all night. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to be obviously not drinking and I'm impressed that no one asked why I wasn't swimming in Jack&Coke. It was rough because one of the girls was raving about a pineapple vodka and sprite drink and I really really wanted to try it. Today it was a balmy 45 degrees out so I took my nephew outside for a little bit of nature and a photo shoot. We were going to squeeze in some fishing but the pond was still mostly covered in ice. He was very good about saying cheese and posing with minimal grumpy so I took him out to dinner as a reward.

Shamrocks to Turkey

2009-03-18T23:59:00.001-04:00

CD14 and I got a positive OPK. IUI #2 is scheduled for 9am tomorrow. I'll be trying out a new pair of potential lucky socks since the pumpkins didn't do their job last time. If this cycle works then baby would arrive Nov/Dec I don't have Turkey socks so I might have to go with Xmas trees. Hmm, I do have some shamrock socks that might be better since there might be some luck of the Irish still hanging around from Tuesday.

Thanks for white lie suggestions. Tanya I love your non lie lie! If this is my month than I get lucky with the timing because my mother is in Florida until April and I would certainly wait until she got to tell her in person. Sorry Mom, if you were here you so would have been the first to know.

Oh, and Dora - Of course all of you will hear it first!

Who's on First

2009-03-17T22:58:00.004-04:00

It was a nice break to not be peeing on anything for two weeks. I was disappointed that I didn't get lucky with my first IUI but it wasn't a crushing blow. I will look at it as my practice shot. I'm currently on CD13 and holy moly is there lots of CM. I'm thinking that I should be getting a positive OPK in the next few days.

One thing I have been thinking about is how I will spread the news once I manage to get pregnant. Who should I tell first? I won't get to tell a husband in some cutesy way so I want the telling to count. I want to think this through before I'm actually in the excitement of the moment. It's an honor to be the first to know and I don't want to write in the baby book that I told random dude at the gas station first - or worse that I blurted it out to some casual friend that just happened to be at the drugstore when I was buying more pregnancy tests. Like everything else in life the question of who should be told first is further complicated by family drama.

There are a few people that I will tell early on because they are the ones that I would want around if anything were to happen. It's the order of the telling that I'm stumped on.

My Mother - It would mean a lot to her if I tell her first. My sisters did not tell her first and her feelings were hurt. Once I tell my mother she'll cry and squeal with delight immediately followed by "who did you tell first?" and then pout for the rest of her life if the answer isn't that it was her. Another thing that counts against my mother is that she's really bad at keeping a secret. She thinks she didn't tell anyone if she only told her sister, the neighbors and a few of her friends, etc. My mother will ask lots of questions about the donor and the process (her version of this information will be included in the newspaper ad that she will take out). She will also be pissed that I didn't ask her to perform the IUI. Ok, that was an exaggeration. She'll be pissed that she didn't get to assist during the IUI. Ok, she'll just be pissed that she didn't get to be in the room during the IUI. My mother knows that I'm thinking about having a child but she has no idea that I have started trying.

My sisters - I live with one of them and the other is in Florida. They are both aware that I am planning on doing this but neither one of them has asked me about it or checked in to see where I am in the process. They also have no idea that I have started trying. I had mentioned to them over the summer that I didn't think they were as supportive as our cousin. They talked to each other about how they were offended that I thought that but haven't really made an effort to reach out. If I bring it up they will listen but they don't offer active support.

My cousin - This is who I want to tell first. She has been so supportive. She checks in and asks me how it's going. She's not intrusive and is willing to listen to the details or back off if I give her a vague answer. She is the only one who knows that I have put the plan in to action.

I have to figure out what is more important. Telling who I want or letting my Mom have her moment. Maybe Mom knowing first will soften the blow when I tell her that she won't be in the room for the c-section. That will be my sister since she can manage to take photos without her thumb in them.

Get ready for round 2

2009-03-04T22:53:00.002-05:00

Ugh, this cycle was a bust.
My temp dropped this morning and AF has shown herself tonight.

The past 11 days have felt like 11 weeks. I hate that I have to do it all over again in a few weeks.

It's a fine line between crazy and thinking positive

2009-02-25T23:54:00.004-05:00

4dpiui

The TWW really is torture. I've made myself crazy during past TWWs and imagined that I really was experiencing pregnancy symptoms. This time around I'm trying not to obsess too much but it's tough. I spent too much time last night searching for the answer to how soon does your body know when it's knocked up. I couldn't find anything before implantation but I would think that there must be some kind of chemical or hormonal change that occurs when fertilization happens. How else would some women be feeling pregnancy symptoms from 1dpo?

I made it through CD27&28 with no sign of blood so everyday now is a bonus in this wacky cycle. It's a fine line between crazy and thinking positive. I'll feel foolish if I get my hopes up because of a few cramps, twinges, yawns or nausea causing odors only to be proven very wrong when that BFP is a no show.

I started to knit a baby blanket today but I can already tell that I'm not going to like it. It's only my third project (the first two being scarfs or is that scarves?) and my first attempt at following a basic pattern.

2 days down 12 to go

2009-02-23T22:35:00.005-05:00

My IUI was scheduled for 8am Saturday. I was up before the alarm and spent those extra minutes thinking about how these were my last moments of before. Before, using a donor was just an option. Before, creating a child on my own was just the plan. I was about to jump off the before ledge and land in the after. Hoping of course that this after would involve being a mother. I took an extra long shower and put on what I hope will be lucky pumpkin socks. I arrived at the clinic and had to wait about 30 minutes for the vial to warm up. When I finally got called back to exam room to undress I started to get really anxious so I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths while reminding myself why I was doing this (baby, baby, baby). The nurse showed me how small the catheter was and said that it should feel just like a pap smear. A few scootches down, an uncomfortable speculum and a pinch later it was done. Nurse sperminator said that Mic had good motility and I had lots of good looking fertile mucus. The whole thing only took a few minutes. I felt all tingly and spent much of the day trying to visualize those swimmers finding their way to my egg. I did feel mild cramps all day and the catheter must have loosened up the mucus because I saw lots of it for myself.

My period would normally be due tomorrow or Wednesday but because I ovulated so much later this cycle who knows when it will show up. Beta is scheduled for 3/6 if I make it that long.

I'm only 2 days in and I'm trying not to get too crazy with obsessing over every little twinge and pinch but it's tough. I hate the wait and second guessing what my body is doing. I was talking to my maybe baby earlier today and I surprised myself that 1) I was talking to myself and 2) by getting a little teared up when I referred to myself as mommy. I know, I know, it's goofy.

:)

2009-02-20T17:23:00.002-05:00

CD23 and finally a positive.
I gave up on the digitals earlier in the week and have been testing with just the line comparison kit. I was going to give up after today and just wait until next month. 11am - nothing. 2pm - a dark test line! I dug out the new box of digitals and confirmed it with a smiley face! IUI is scheduled for 8am tomorrow.

I'm glad to have a shot at it this month but I'm not too hopeful that it will work. I'm worried that my period will still show up around CD27/28. I decided to go for it anyway since at the very least it will count towards my 6 tries before insurance kicks in.

The 2ww kicks off tomorrow morning!

O

2009-02-14T23:46:00.003-05:00

That is what the stick keeps telling me. Still no surge.

The additional $600 was for complete monitoring during the entire cycle. I didn't bother asking them to break it down so that I could pick just the blood test for detecting the surge. I figured that it was so late in the cycle that I might as well save my money and just wait it out. I have one more digital OPK and a handful of the line comparison ones that I'll use up but I don't expect to get a positive.

I'm so disappointed that I have to wait until next month.

No smiley face today

2009-02-13T00:52:00.003-05:00

Day 15 and still nothing. I spoke to the nurse at the clinic and she said I had the option of blood tests and ultrasounds for an additional 600 bucks. I decided to keep peeing on my $60 worth of OPKs for a few more days. I just couldn't justify spending the money to switch to a monitored cycle so late in game when there is no guarantee that I will actually ovulate this month (if I haven't already). Doesn't it just figure that after all this time and all those delays I get a bum cycle.

Here eggie, eggie, eggie

2009-02-12T01:11:00.003-05:00

CD 14 and no sign of ovulating. No cm and no positive OPK.
I've been using two different OPK brands all week and not even a hint of a positive. I think I'm feeling O cramps tonight and I'm so worried that I missed my egg. Last month (you know the one I had to sit out because of that stupid rube.lla shot) I had a perfect cycle with lots of mucus and a hard to ignore +OPK. If I don't see a smiley face tomorrow I'll have to call the clinic and ask for a blood test. I wonder if that will be covered or out of pocket? I really hope I get a positive tomorrow.

I got an email from the woman that was so helpful at the bank letting me know that my new vials had shipped. She also told me that she got a taste of how difficult and unpleasant my doctor's office is to work with and wished me luck. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks that they could be nicer.

I got lucky

2009-02-07T12:39:00.002-05:00

I talked to the bank and they were very cool about the whole thing. I think the woman that I spoke to felt a little bad for me because she could tell I was fighting back a flood of tears. They said that if the seal on the tank wasn't broken that they would just take back the vials and then send me new ones. If the seal was broken they wouldn't be able to restock the vials so I might be out the money but she was willing to plead my case to her boss and see if she could get him to eat the cost and just swap the vials. She was so nice and understanding.

Good news from the clinic was that the seal hadn't been broken yet. Phew! I called the nice lady at the bank back and she already shipped out the new donor vials so that I would have them on Monday and made all the arrangements to have the other vials shipped back to them. They waived the restocking fee and didn't make me pay the price increase difference that just went in to effect this week for the vials. The only thing I have to pay for is the shipping charge for the new vials.

I didn't have enough time to wait until I knew my status before making a decision. If I'm also positive I might have been able to insist on using that donor but I got the feeling from talking to the nurse that it was going to be a tough battle. If I turn out to be negative I'm not sure I would have risked exposure so in the end it was better to just make the switch. I'm a little sad because I was kind of attached to my first choice and felt really good about the decision.

costly mistake

2009-02-06T11:15:00.003-05:00

I made a stupid, stupid rookie mistake when ordering my vials. My donor is cmv positive and I didn't know what that meant until my clinic just called and said that it was a virus.
I feel like such an idiot for just assuming that it wasn't something to worry about and didn't even bother to find out what it meant before purchasing. My clinic said that it had to be returned and I have to go in for blood work today. They also said that this cycle might have to be cancelled if I can't get everything straighted out quickly.

This means that I'm going to lose all that money because it clearly said he was cmv positive and I bought it anyway doesn't it? I bought 2 vials and had them shipped so I'm double screwed.

I can't believe this.

My debit card is sizzling

2009-02-06T00:21:00.003-05:00

Did anyone else get all excited tracking their sperm while it was being shipped? Mic arrived safe and sound at the clinic on Wednesday. I clapped to myself when I saw the delivery confirmation online. I've already paid the clinic for the IUI so now I'm just waiting to ovulate. I'm guessing that Friday the 13th will be IUI day. If this works baby will be arriving around Halloween so I'm going to look at F13 as a lucky day since it's kind of spooky - just like Halloween.

Has anyone asked to keep the empty vial after an IUI? I heard about http://www.cabrimed.org/ on the Donor Sibling Registry message board. It looks like they can use the vials to test for genetic markers and see if they have any matches in their database. I want to ask to keep the vial just in case I want to do that in the future. I betting that the clinic won't want me to have it.

Thanks for the distraction suggestions. I had no idea you could play solitaire online. I play a few hands on my iPod every night before I fall asleep. Now I can play without running down the iPod battery.

Someone on the SMC yahoo group posted this link to a NY Times article about SMC families that was pretty interesting. It was great to read about fellow SMCs helping each other out and vacationing together.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/01/magazine/01Moms-t.html?emc=eta1

Looking for more distractions

2009-01-31T20:45:00.002-05:00

I'm looking for some new places to hang out online. I'm stocking up on places to obsess over this month so I don't focus on too much on every twinge and yawn.

In addition to the blogs that I stalk I also check out these hot spots:
twoweekwait.com
SMC, ChoiceMom and DSR yahoo groups
babycenter
celebritybabyblog
and of course cake wrecks

Where do you hang out online when there are no baby heads to sniff?